Hurt

So, I'm just going to straight up share my story. I've been dating a guy for a little while now. But, I have known him for even longer. So, it wasn't really necessary to "take things slow in the beginning". There wasn't much talking, we just basically started going on dates. We had a great time when we went out. We have a lot of chemistry. His only problem. He's not a member. I guess the reality of him not being a member became apparent last week at my work party. He had a sip of rum. To the world it's just a sip of rum. To me, it was a reality check. We may not have kissed yet (multiple reasons for that), but we did have a connection and to the outside world we looked like we were together holding hands. I wasn't just going to let it pass from my mind and all week I couldn't let it slip. We had a great time last night and today we went shopping. Afterward we were driving back and I started talking out of the blue (I wasn't even thinking about it!) about how I hate dating and don't like how he isn't mormon. It's really interesting how the Lord works. I've been praying to understand how to get over my feelings for him or find a way to make it work the Lord's way. I think I figured out that really it was just something I needed to get through. He made me happy, we had a great time together, he had good values, but he didn't believe and understand the gospel. Holding the priesthood has always been at the top of my list for "the perfect husband". He would always talk about how the purpose of dating is worth the risk and that you never know if your prince or princess is right in front of you. He wasn't saying I was his princess and he didn't say it in that context, but he was right, the purpose of dating is to find someone to spend the rest of your life with, regardless of what the rest of the world believes. To him, right now this seems really unfair. He is upset with me because he knows that I knew I wasn't going to marry him from day one of meeting him. He doesn't understand why I even dated him in the first place. Faith doesn't just change attraction. When you have so much interaction with someone it's hard to resist the connection you have. I feel horrible for what place he is in right now. But, I know it was what was best for me. My testimony was strengthened through this experience. I realized how important eternal marriage is. I want those blessings stated in my patriarchal blessing. I want to be able to return to my Heavenly Father one day and say I did what you asked, I followed the path you paved for me. I want him to embrace me and say, I know it was hard but I'm glad you did it. I didn't know I needed to better understand the importance of eternal marriage to my personal life but I think I did. It was a rough thing for me to even date with how big of an introvert I have become, but I think the outcome is good. I'm grateful for this little piece of strange added to my life. I choose happiness. 

The Best

Days like today, they need to be documented. I'm just going to list all of the things that were amazing today instead of trying to make everything flow through sentences. 

I woke up on the right side of the bed

I was able to work and worked with amazing co-workers

Patients were overall good today 

Lunch was free and it was from Jason's Deli... AMAZING

I got out of work almost on time

I found out my car is going to be fixed before Christmas

I found out I'll be getting $500 BACK with however all the repairs worked on my car

When I got to class I found out I got a 95% on my first test in my Anat and Phys class

Class didn't have me nodding off today

Class got out an hour and 40 minutes early

I got to come home and relax 

I had time to blog

Today was truly spectacular and the rest of my week is going to be even better :) tomorrow a night with the boy before he goes to work and Saturday baking with the AND everyone comes home Saturday! All those BYU and BYUI people home for the holidays! Including my MARISSA!!! :D I can't wait to see her! I love having her around. :) I can't wait until they move here (I guess if they move here. I'm praying!) I have so many things to be grateful for! I'm so blessed! 

I choose happiness :]

Concussion

This is the second concussion of the year. I keep wondering if this is a wake up call. And as the day went on. I stayed at church, listened to wonderful lessons, felt a very strong spirit, and I even bore my testimony in sacrament meeting today. I want to publically bear my testimony in writing. I know there is a living Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. They are true beings whom we can communicate with through prayer. Through the blessing of the Holy Ghost I can feel the love of my Savior. Especially through the power of priesthood blessings. I have been given so many blessings in the past few years and many of them are for something with my head. I'm surrounded by worthy priesthood holders and I couldn't be more blessed. I made it through church today because of a blessing. I made it through 2012 because of many blessings. I'm grateful for the scriptures. They bring so many answers that I need personally. I know there is a living prophet on the earth today who is here to lead and and guide us. I know that families can be together forever. I know that I was placed with the family I have for so many reasons and I am so grateful for all of them. They are my rocks. I know we are on this earth for a reason. It's hard to be here and to be human. But, it is such a huge blessing. I am so grateful for this life and for the people that have been set in my path. The gospel is real. I'm so grateful for it. I choose happiness. 

3 Unforgettable days

Sometimes when you meet someone you can't forget it. Even if it was just a few days, it could be so much that you can still feel it awhile after. But, for me meetings like this seem to be more one sided. And the one side being mine. It's really heartbreaking when I meet someone and would make so many sacrifices for them. But the problem is they live in another state (specifically Provo). I have prayed so many times about moving to Provo, it's never right. It makes me really sad every time I have gotten a no. I want to be with more righteous people my age. My patriarchal blessing says I will marry a returned missionary, who is he?! Where is he?! He isn't here because I've already gotten to know all the returned missionaries here. Maybe he is still on his mission. But dang. Hurry up bro. You're killing me. I want to be with you right now. Everyone else is married, I'm ready to start that part of my life. Well, as ready as I'll ever be. (clearly this is the rant talking, obviously I could be more ready) I have already passed up a wonderful man I could have married and I won't be doing that again. (Salt gets thrown into the wound every time his wife tries to reconnect with me. Which is a courageous act, but I'm sorry, the moment you decided to date him was the moment you lost me, it's too difficult for me to see them together. Even a little bit to this day.) I have learned my lesson. But I know that he will have to be better than that guy I almost married which honestly will be quite difficult. I want to love and to be loved. I don't want to force anything, but I am ready for the gradual process to begin. I wish he was here now. I wish I could find him today. I want to have this feeling I have for someone I know deeply on an emotional level and have them feel the same way. Is that so difficult? YES. Of course it's difficult! If finding love was easy everyone would be married and would live happily every after! There would never be any divorces or unhappy marriages. Clearly all of these exist, so we (singles) just continue with our awesome lives (and that isn't sarcastic) waiting for someone to change our lives and if we're smart we are seeking someone to change our lives. But, right now. I have no one to seek, and I am content. I won't shoo away any prospects if they were to happen to come about, but I also am not willing to be set up or have anything weird similar to that take place. The last time I decided to do that... yeah... NOT a good decision. Big regrets. But, I have nothing to do except to forget and learn from my mistakes, then keep moving forward. Well, since this went from my confusing unclear feelings about someone I met a few months ago to me being single I actually find these two things connected. No, I'm not waiting for this guy to all of a sudden want to do distance (he has a girlfriend now for goodness sake!) It's just weird because I have feelings for him and I just can't get him out of my head. No one has been able to change that for me yet. I haven't met anyone that struck me as much as he did in just a short 3 days. I just need to calm my thoughts about it and move away from thinking about him. I need to put him out of my head instead of allowing myself to think about him. In the meantime I choose happiness. :) 

Marriage

This is so huge and true! Marriage is not for me.

http://sethadamsmith.com/2013/11/02/marriage-isnt-for-you/

I realize today I'm kind of using my blog as a way to share things similar to facebook.  But, lately I've just hated most everything about facebook and anything truly social. So, I feel like only sharing things on my blog without the "likes" and the comments on everything even though I still want comments on my blog. I've also realized that probably isn't going to happen. Anyway, one day when I get married, it won't be for me it will be about the other person. Someone that I care about more than anyone else. I haven't found that love yet and I can't wait until I find it. But, I also have a feeling I'll be waiting at least a year and a half. Of course this is a random number ;) I choose happiness. 

SMILES

SMILES :) :) :) :) :) :) I love music, The Wizard of Oz, and this mashup! :) I choose happiness. 

Running

Smile Sundays! I love running and I'm so grateful for it! I've ran two half marathons in a month and one being unplanned. It wasn't easy, but it was absolutely rewarding :) running with people that also love to run also makes me happy. :) I'm so grateful that I am well and healthy enough to run. That I have strong legs and a tough mind that gets me through running. Running is 90% mental and the rest is physical. 

Running Thoughts

Well, I run a half marathon in a few days. So, I've been running a lot. Yesterday I had a long run and my ipod died only about halfway through the run. So, I had a lot of time to think. This morning as well. I was thinking about high school. I was thinking about all that I've been through since then and how I pictured myself as a 21 year old. The way my life is right now is not anywhere near where I thought it would be. I've been through  a lot of things since then and I am not anywhere near where I wanted to be or where I thought I would be. But, where I am is happy. My life is great in it's own ways. Sometimes I look back and wish that people that were a part of my life were still a part of my life. Then, I think again and think about how much happier I am without them. Sometimes I wish my closest friends were actually around, but then I think about if I were around them how I wouldn't be able to grow and I wouldn't make new connections. I think about where I could be if I lived in Provo. If I accepted that job back in June instead of turning it down. I would obviously be in a completely different place. It's so hard to think. It seems lately my mind doesn't stop. I have been trying so hard to stop thinking but it doesn't help.
A huge contributor in my thoughts, facebook. What a curse sometimes. People putting up the best parts of their lives and making their lives seem absolutely perfect. When, from experience, their lives aren't perfect. But, that's what facebook is all about putting a face on your life. And sometimes it is so hard to see people happy knowing they don't miss me as much as I miss having them in my life. But, I am happy too. I'll figure out where I am supposed to be and what I am supposed to be doing in the future eventually. For now I know I am exactly where I'm supposed to be and doing exactly what I need to be doing. :) I choose happiness.
Oh and.. this album... I got it and I LOVE ME SOME GOOD OL' JACK! :)

Mormon Messages

SMILE SUNDAYS! I know I missed last week. I also know I haven't really been blogging. I have been really busy lately. I don't really know what happened but all of a sudden I'm busy. But, here is a Mormon Message I watched today. I love President Uchtdorf. He has a special place in my heart. He is just absolutely amazing! This video is so profound. I kind of feel that way in my life. Kind of like the guy on the ship. I'm kind of just sitting and things that are good around me are free and waiting for me to partake in. I need to be better with it. I will be better with it. :) I choose happiness.

Who reads my blog?

I know you exist. There are people that read my blog on purpose and I want to know who you are and want to know your thoughts! :) Please start commenting and asking questions! I know the description of the blog says it's mostly for me, but apparently I have interested... someone...some people... Let me know! :D I choose happiness! 

Mt. Timpanogos Temple

Smile Sundays

MOUNT TIMPANOGOS TEMPLE. I don't know why, but this is my absolute favorite temple. I can't even think about it without smiling! Funny story about why it's my favorite though...So one day I was in the distribution center with some roommates just kind of looking around I think and I decided to look through temples. I stumbled upon a photo of this one and fell completely in love. I don't really know what drew me to it. But, lucky me at the end of that semester I got to go and see it on my drive back to Nebraska! It was amazing, even though it was a Sunday so the gates were closed and I couldn't get in I saw my favorite temple. Now, I've been inside three times. Maybe one day I'll get married in it. The only sacrifice is that it's in American Fork Utah. So, I would have to marry (I'm saying it...) a guy from Utah! Well, one day (not soon) I'll find out if I will. But, seriously, this place makes me so happy every time I get to go! When I went to Utah last weekend I was able to go. That's when this photo was taken as well. :] I love all the temples they are all so beautiful and unique. They are such a sacred place and bring me peace and bring me closer to my Heavenly Father. I cannot wait until one day I am able to go and make more covenants with my Heavenly Father inside one of these temples. I choose happiness. 

If you are not LDS and are reading this here is a website explaining what temples are and what they are used for: http://www.lds.org/church/temples?lang=eng

Mountains

So I thought this had posted from my phone on Sunday... apparently it hadn't. But, I will blame.... my blogger app :) Mountains make me very happy. Especially when the sun sets behind them like this. Last night it was absolutely beautiful. Smile Sunday! ;) I choose happiness. 

Duck Dynasty- Jase and Missy

I love Duck Dynasty!!! And they know what's up!! :) Seriously if more people were like this... I can only imagine how the world would be! It's great to have still examples like them around!


I choose happiness. 

Smile Sunday! :)

This sounds silly but I am obsessed with corn fields. They make me smile. They are one of the things I missed most about Nebraska whnI love when they just travel into the distance forever. It's amazing. I also love how sweet corn tastes. I'm a true Nebraskan for loving corn this much! Tonight I even went out on a photography adventure alone to go find some corn to take photos of! It was a blast. I can't wait to have my own camera so I can go on random hunts like I did tonight without having to prep at all, just grabbing my camera and going. I loved it! Such a good time (even though I was alone..) See... people can have fun alone, well at least I can. :) I choose happiness. 

Choose Happiness

This girl has got it all figured out! I just discovered this video and she goes to BYU-I (I think, I'm assuming because some of the footage was of the Spori building at least...)

This is her website. It's great! I'm going to use everything she has on there! :) it's great!! ;]
http://www.tryhappy.org/

I choose happiness. 

Marissa and Chris

SMILE SATURDAYS! :)
This is going to be a new thing I'm going to do. I'm going to post on Saturday (or Sundays) Things that make me smile. Often times it will only be one thing. But, sometimes I just need reminders to smile and I kinda figured this would be a great way to do that! :)

Marissa and Chris

I love these people so much! Their relationship is the best I have ever seen. They are amazing friends and I can only dream of having half of what they have one day in a marriage. I had an amazing day with them today and I'm so glad they are around for a short time. They are both amazing friends and I'm so grateful for them :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

                                                            I Choose Happiness! 

I Want Crazy

I'm kind of feeling like this.

No drama

I have realized (well I've known for awhile too) how dramatic I am. As well as how judge mental I am. I need to fix all of it. Today I've decided I'm changing in many ways and the only way to do it is to move foreword. Yes, I have been hurt by people that I have to see. Yes I have hurt people that I have to see. But instead of constantly complaining about it I need to just STOP IT! I am changing right now and I'm not turning back. Seriously, I am removing all things negative from my life and anyone or anything dramatic. I'm just saying if you are going to be dramatic, I'm going to listen to you if you really need me but I will not fuel your fire. I'm done talking bad about people intentionally and trying to find their flaws. I I hate that people do that to me and I don't understand why I do it to others so I'm done.

 No one is perfect NO ONE. I am not better than the next person because of how many hours I work or because of my family or what I'm doing in my life. I'm not better than anyone. We are all on our own paths and our own progression we are all trying our best to return to our father in heaven and I cannot judge.

I need to bring others to the gospel so that everyone in the world can understand how important the gospel is and understand that there is a God who can do anything and He loves them. They are a child of God and that means something huge and important. Everyone on this earth is our spiritual brothers and sisters. We need to watch out for each other and show our love to one another. 

I'm not saying I'm going to serve a mission, but I am going to try to spread the happiness that I have experienced to others that aren't as blessed. Everyone deserves to choose happiness. It's the best. :) 

I'm really just lucky because my life is so great that it's really easy to choose happiness right now. It's harder NOT to choose that! Not everyone can say that! I would have to dig to find current problems. But, I am definitely one blessed girl! Now, there may be some struggles ahead, but that's why I am preparing for those by understanding how to be happy now. Preparing for the hard stuff now is what's going to help when there actually is hard stuff. I have to choose now that I'm not going to let it effect me. 

I choose happiness. 

The Black Plague

In case everyone wasn't aware, I'm the black plague, stay away from me because all I will do to you is bring heartache, stress, and sadness. I WILL HURT YOU. Never physically, but emotionally I will tear you down. But finally the emotions I have unintentionally caused in others have come back to get me. Yes, I did live up to the hashtag #shewillgetwhatshedeserves or #whatgoesaroundcomesaround I can't remember, I hope that makes someone happy just for the sake of at least one person being happy.
So enough with all of this beating around the bush and all. I did something dumb. And I mean really dumb. This is what should have been said to me before I did it.... by someone....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bobp5OHVsWY (I can't get it to stay on the post so the link will have to do...)

Oh wait, it was... and I didn't listen, but now I believe. I did this instead which should normally be a good motto to live by.. except in this case.

Sadly, nothing went right...this time....

I decided to talk to Stephen. It went terribly and was unnecessary. He definitely wanted nothing to do with me and has his own opinions about how everything went down. (Sounds familiar doesn't it? I feel like I'm reliving the Palmer break up but as a mini... Comparing... Palmer was a part of my life for roughly 6 years I was in love with him for 3 of those years. Stephen was a part of my life for roughly 6 months and I was [am] in love with him for about 3 months. We broke up suddenly in both and both seemed mutual at first. But here is a difference. With Palmer I was immediately effected by the breakup and was an emotional wreck. With Stephen I was happy and can be for about a month and a half. Now suddenly I'm an emotional wreck. With Palmer he assumed I was cheating on him while we were together and that's why I dated Zac so soon after, with Stephen he assumed I was keeping my options open while we were together and that's why I went on dates right after. But with both of them they didn't care to hear my explanation or my side of the story.But I have to say with both of them it's interesting how they treated me to my face while we were together and after the break ups. With Palmer he treated me like a queen when we were together, once we broke up we were still in love with each other and we were still so close, just not the physical part of dating. then things sort of went downhill when he started assuming the worst. I dated Zac. Originally as a rebound that turned into so Much more and that was it. Now with  Stephen a week after we broke up or so he sat me down and told me I needed therapy and proceeded to tell me how I screwed up our relationship. I apologized for how I acted the day of our big fight and I can't remember an apology from him at all. But with Palmer all the mean things about me were put into a terrible song about me that he wrote. The differences with the two this one almost hurts worse. I say, say what you want online and in your music but if you can watch me cry as you're breaking my heart through words. Good for you. I'm hurt. You did it. I'm glad you can see me suffer. Apparently that's what you want. Go ahead and check that off the list.)

This Bill Cosby quote sort of describes what I didn't do with Stephen... Because I did the exact opposite. I decided I was more afraid of it. But, I know that I needed to make a decision... maybe I made the right one, maybe I made the wrong one.

Anyway so when I talked to him I brought up how I was sorry about how things went down and  how I still care about him and would love to be his friend and know what's going on in his life. I'm not sure that I would want to date him again if that were ever an option but I don't hate him, I've forgiven him for everything and I understand things a lot better than I did. I didn't put my all into our relationship, and it was all because I wouldn't let him in. Then as things were going really well the huge fight happened and I was done. But as much as I have focused on the negative there were many positives. I just didn't think about it. But none of this matters now it's been 8 weeks, in Stephen's words. I remember him repeating that over and over like he was trying to say it had been an eternity. When honestly I hadn't even kept track of how long we had been avoiding each other. But apparently he had. Perfect. He was also talking about how if I would have been more willing to work things out he probably would have fought the break up. But he spent weeks trying to forgive me and to move on. How hard it was....

But here is the icing on the cake, at the end of the conversation he decided to tell me how we should keep things the same way and not change anything. So he wasn't willing to be friends to make a long story short. Then he said that morning he made things official with a girl he was dating. That's great, really. So we could have avoided the whole conversation because no one wants to be friends with an ex when they are dating someone else (except me). Yes, I realize I think weird and don't make any sense. Let's just be strangers for awhile and then once I have my emotions under control and know where I am in my life we can be friends. Most of the time that is how it is. Unless something absolutely unexpected and hurtful happens. And sometimes it's a close friendship that is constant and sometimes it is just a friendship where we catch up every few months. Really, I just like the idea of being able to see the ex and genuinely want to know how they are doing. That's where I am with Stephen. I want to know how he is, I want to know how he is doing in his life. Nothing crazy detail. Although now I have realized that we could have a connection that way too, especially now that I am willing to have it.

I am blocked on facebook (I know this sounds trivial, but it's not about the facebook really, it's just like okay... just de-friend me, what do you think I'm going to do on your facebook tell you I love you on your wall? I just don't fully understand the point of blocking someone on facebook. It's almost like de-friending is more hurtful because people have to see you on facebook and know you aren't friends.) I also brought that up in our conversation and that was something he sort of blew up about. But, I know he don't think he fully understood (of course this is assumption).

I guess I should also talk about a few other boys that were in my life.. that no longer are. First ones first, Andrew and I haven't talked in about a month now (wow! That's so long!) I don't really know why we don't talk, but last minute when I was going to go to Kansas City to see him I didn't end up going and we officially decided to just be friends. It wasn't right for me to move to Utah (I still sometimes wish it was to get away from all of this Nebraska drama) so most likely we wouldn't work out anyway because we wouldn't be in the same state possibly ever.

Then, there is Jacob. I went to visit him when he got home (which was a short time after Stephen and I broke up I don't remember how long) and I think we got ahead of ourselves, he talked a lot about marriage, I wasn't near ready to talk about even dating. We never kissed, but we were going on dates and talking a lot the two times he visited after I went to visit him. Then, I had a moment where something strange happened. It reminded me of Stephen and I sort of freaked out, realizing there was a large possibility he was a rebound. I have since slowed it all down and we are just friends. The word marriage and dating isn't allowed to be stated.
Anyway... Stephen and I will officially never be friends. Well, that is unless he comes to me and wants to be friends, I would say yes. But, I know that will never happen. So, I will continue to make the other friendships in my life better. I will look to the future and put my trust in my Heavenly Father and know that what is happening is what is supposed to happen and I am on the right path.

Right now, I'm not dating. Not looking to date I am only establishing friendships. Not that boys are flocking or anything. (because really why would they be? I'm a tease and a heart breaker. Everyone has already said it. I'll just admit it for myself.)

So, life is great even when people hate me :] I really do love my life. I have an AMAZING job. I live with wonderful caring parents. I have a nearby brother, sister, and brother in law that are constantly there for me! :] as well as an awesome niece close by! I love them all so much! And I do have some great friends! I may not have them close by but they are around the country! :) And the few that are close by are good too! I choose happiness!

The One and Only (almost)

I don't really have friends so it seems. But, this lovely lady has always stood close by.

I LOVE HER SO MUCH!

I CHOOSE HAPPINESS

Realizations

So, lately I have had a lot of decisions to make. I figured out where the Lord wanted me and I have made the hard decision to stay in Omaha and continue with the amazing job that I have with The Nebraska Medical Center. Before I continue I was to tangent off about how great my job is. I have worked in a nursing home for 3 years and the transition to a hospital has been amazing! I absolutely love the atmosphere with everyone running around going different places. Just in the short week I have seen so many different cases and experienced so much. I love seeing and learning from so many intelligent doctors. Seeing so many people that actually care about patients all the time. It is truly magical. Seeing patient's faces when they are so relieved their surgery went well and they are safe. Plus the company itself is rock solid! It's just absolutely amazing. I LOVE MY JOB! :D Anyway, with all of these decisions I have really been noticing who is around and who isn't. It's interesting that none of my "friends" have even been calling me up from Omaha. It seems like before I made the decision to stay everyone was talking to me, trying to convince me to stay, wanting to hang out all the time, exc. But, now that I am staying I feel like I have nothing. I feel so torn. My brother is moving out, which is fabulous for him. He wants me to move out with him but I want to save a lot more money before I start throwing out money for rent that isn't necessary. Basically what I have realized is that I don't have any true friends in Omaha, they are all superficial. All of my real friends are around the country and sadly not around all the time. Thank goodness for skype. It's seriously amazing. Another thing I was realizing was that I think literally everyone I am close to is getting married in 2013. It's so exciting! :) But, it's also sad because I know once they are all married our friendships will not be the same and may not even exist. We will see I suppose. Basically right now I'm just feeling pathetic because I'm feeling so alone after this week's events. But, I know what I'm supposed to do and I'm not going to let anyone change my mind. Even if that leaves me completely alone for some time. I will survive and I am HAPPY. I think the best way to make friends is to be a friend. So, I'm going to start fresh and start being a friend to everyone :) I choose happiness.

Yup. Just ME. MYSELF. AND I. 

Who knew this is how it could all begin...

This is so adorable. I just had to share it finally. I've been obsessed with it forever. :) I choose happiness.

Listening to the Spirit

It is so hard to go through our lives making decisions if we have to make them alone. This time in life (meaning early 20's time frame) for me has been so difficult. I am one of the most indecisive people ever. If I had to choose between making a decision and jumping off a bridge. Sometimes I really would jump off the bridge. It is so hard for me to close off options or opportunities that present themselves in my life. Truly, I want to do them all. Right now I have a lot of different decisions that I have to make and each decision has multiple factors. I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going. I'm so afraid of everything that will happen, who it will effect, and especially how it will effect me and my future. But, over the past 24 ish hours I have really realized the importance of listening to the spirit. Making sure I am worthy enough to listen, setting aside time to listen, and providing more opportunities to listen. But, I have to learn patience first. I am doing these things but I am not getting much of anywhere with it. I need to learn patience almost more than I need to learn to make decisions. My fear is that Heavenly Father is going to trust me to make this decision on my own. I understand how important agency is, but I really would just love for Him to tell me exactly what I should do to go along the path that He wants me on. I am willing to take the leap of faith in that direction... If only I knew what that direction was. I know that I will find my answer I just need to search and listen more diligently. It's very hard not to listen to outside influences, but I need to focus on not listening to what others think about it. No one can receive revelation for me except for me. I am seeking and I cannot wait to find my answers in my life. I am so grateful for the Holy Ghost that I have been blessed with. The peace that it brings me is indescribable. Without the Holy Ghost I wouldn't know what was right and what was wrong and even though I am occasionally confused about that...I know that is my listening skills that I am here on earth to perfect. It will take time, but I know Heavenly Father is there listening to my every prayer and my every plea. I choose happiness. :)

Never Love Anyone Fully

This song sort of describes how I am. I haven't "loved anyone fully". Well, I have but that's exactly why I stopped. It's probably dangerous considering the fact that I want to get married! Having one foot on the ground is easy, makes sure I won't be hurt. But, at the same time that's what life is about. It's about GETTING HURT. Life is about hard times. But more importantly it is about getting back to the good after something hard. Standing up and having no worries in the world because you know that you learned something from those hard moments. Then, it always seems that the second you get back up something else has to happen. Someone told me just to take it one day at a time. He was so right. It's important to take everything one day at a time, be happy where you are, and understand that everything will work out in the end. All of this being said. I want to switch gears and take this post into a different direction. My grandma isn't doing well. She has had pnemonia for about a month now and her blood pressure has dropped. She is giving up. She is refusing hospice and she doesn't want to be admitted to the hospital. I couldn't be more upset that I have to work right now. I want to fly out right now. I brought up some ideas, but she is in Idaho and I don't think she will like my ideas. I love her so much. She has influenced me so much. She is a wonderful pianist. Some of these photos are from her 90th birthday in November that I got to spend with her because I was nearby. I am so grateful I was able to be there with her! I transferred her to the piano bench instead of her playing in her wheelchair she got to sit on the bench and she played a lot of pieces from memory. It was wonderful. I'll probably be posting a lot about her for awhile. But, I'm hoping I can see her one more time before she passes. We will see. I love her so much. I choose happiness.

Tears

I've been thinking about crying today. It is such a sign of really strong emotions. It could be good or bad emotions. I really feel like this week and last week should be switched because the break up was almost two weeks ago and it didn't really bother me until we had a follow up chat. So, it's just weird that it's not even the break up that I'm emotional about. ANYWAY Today I had a great day at work until a coworker decided to be ridiculous. But, then I came home , went on a run, talked to my mom for a bit, and I went to the temple. But of course my night started getting stressful when the interstate I needed to be on was closed for something (I'm assuming an accident) so I had to go the long way to get to the temple then I got lost downtown because I'm the worst with directions and I was too stressed to even think about getting my gps. I was freaking out so much that I was talking to myself and crying. I've been crying at the drop of a hat this week so it didn't surprise me. (I'm just an emotional wreck, I'm hoping the tears will all dry up again soon.) But, then I decided to pray that I could make it there, then right away I found the road I needed (which of course I had driven by at least 3 times but without the spirit I didn't recognize it was right). Then, I made it to the temple and everyone else was late because of whatever was going on as well. So, I immediately felt better and the spirit calmed me down. I'm so grateful for the spirit and the peace that the Holy Ghost brings. Anyway I had a lot of questions that I had in mind before the temple. All that I felt the whole time was that I needed to go home, not hang out afterward with friends, and ask for a blessing. So, I walked out of the temple and there was a HUGE beautiful rainbow! It just reminded me of that primary song about rainbows and baptism. It was so symbolic of what I had just done in the temple for other women. But, I made it home and no one really knows what's going on with me right now so they were kind of shocked that I would need a blessing since I'm not sick. But, then when my brother started speaking it was all the Lord. Absolutely everything that I needed to hear was in that blessing. I couldn't help but tear up once again. This time because I felt so comforted and at peace. I felt the Lord's arms around me as I listened to His words through my worthy priesthood holding brother. I am so grateful for my brother! He is so amazing and so in tune with the spirit. But, now that I feel so much better I'm hoping the tears will stop and that I can be patient for all of the things mentioned in the blessing to come to pass. With Heavenly Father on my side and so close to me it is easy to be happy. Really we just need to ask Him. He wants to help us through our trials and build us up. I choose happiness :) 

My Love Languages

I have been thinking A LOT the past few days about a lot of different things. Trying to figure out myself. I had a lot of things criticized about my personality and it wasn't constructive either. I've been so hurt emotionally and I'm just trying to bounce out of the slum I have sunk into. I reflected on past relationships, including the most recent and I came up with a few things I wanted to do. I was thinking back to my relationship with Josh and our little immature "you're amazing" "no you're amazing" fights and the "I love you" "I love you more" "Well I love you most". I truly meant it every time I said that he was more amazing or that I loved him more. I had true deep feelings for him and I do believe that if we did officially get engaged and married last year that I could have been happy with him. But, I also realize that I could be happier. Yes I loved him and I would have been willing to do so much for him and for our relationship. But, in the end I knew that I deserved better and he is happily married to my old roommate Aubrey and I can honestly say I am happy for him. Last fall I never thought  I would get to this point because of the way that the whole thing went down. But, I'm glad that they found each other and I hope their lives continue to be happy throughout eternity. Now, comparing Josh and I to Stephen and I... Stephen said I love you fairly early for me, at  a point where I hadn't even thought about whether or not I felt that deeply about him. Then, over the next few days or week (I don't remember) I realized that I did love him. But, I don't know how deep my love went. I know I never felt as deeply about him as I did with Josh. Things with Josh were perfect and I really didn't know what I had until I was with Stephen. Josh and I had one disagreement in the 7 months we were together. And our disagreement was about where we wanted to live when we were married. I refused to live in Idaho and he was basically stuck in his decision to stay. When I realized I couldn't sacrifice Nebraska for him, that's when I realized I couldn't marry him. But with Stephen we fought all the time. from the beginning of the relationship and the biggest one at the end. It was awful. We couldn't even go a week without getting upset with one another about something. Whether it be me keeping him up too late, me falling asleep with him around, me getting frustrated about not going on dates, and who knows what else. It was almost like we were just trying to force this relationship because it was convenient. I think back to January when I was talking to both Stephen and Andrew. I was conflicted for many reasons. I didn't really know Stephen and I wanted to get to know him and Andrew was in Utah, I knew him well and knew how much I wanted to be with him and how it keeps not working out. I hate having multiple guys on my plate because I feel like I end up either hurting one guy, choosing the wrong one, or screwing myself over by messing it up with both of them. I sometimes just wish that guys didn't want to date me, but then at the same time it makes it easier to decide what I really want in an eternal companion. And I know it isn't fair to compare past relationships with current ones but how else do you figure out what you want for sure? I almost think it's necessary. Well, I obviously thought a lot more about all of this stuff but I think that is about as deep as I'll go with that part of the post. But, anyway one of my other issues with Stephen and I is that I never felt like he cared about me. Okay, correction I will not say never. Because there were moments and days maybe sometimes a week that went by that I felt like he cared. But, it wasn't consistent and I couldn't really depend on it. I've always been insecure with my looks, my "talents", my life, and my family. So, I think that not having the reassurance often that he cared about me made it difficult for me to stay in the relationship. But, I decided tonight to take one of those love languages quizzes to see which one I was. Because really I don't know that it was my insecurities at all it might have just been that he didn't know how to show me he loved me the way that I really needed him too. Maybe all my past relationships figured that out. Well, the ones that didn't figure it out I broke up with early on I'm guessing. But, it's hard to really remember. Anyway I took a quiz and these are my scores:
Acts of Service: 9
Quality Time: 8
Words of Affirmation: 6
Receiving Gifts: 4
Physical Touch: 3

Acts of Service

Can helping with homework really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most wants to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter. When others serve you out of love (and not obligation), you feel truly valued and loved.

Quality Time

In Quality Time, nothing says “I love you” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes you feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed activities, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. Whether itʼs spending uninterrupted time talking with someone else or doing activities together, you deepen your connection with others through sharing time.

Words of Affirmation

Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. You thrive on hearing kind and encouraging words that build you up.

Receiving Gifts

Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures. Gifts are heartfelt symbols to you of someone else’s love and affection for you.

Physical Touch

A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, and thoughtful touches on the arm—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive. Appropriate and timely touches communicate warmth, safety, and love to you.

Important to Remember:

You may have scored certain ones of the love languages more highly than others, but do not dismiss those other languages as insignificant. Your friends and loved ones may express love in those ways, and it will be beneficial for you to understand this about them.

In the same way, it will benefit your friends and loved ones to know your love language and express his affection for you in ways that you interpret as love. Every time you or they speak one another’s language, you score emotional points with one another. Of course, this isn’t a game with a scorecard! The payoff of speaking each other’s love language is more of a feeling of “this person understands me and cares for me.” This translates into better communication, increased understanding, and, ultimately, improved relationship.

If you have not already done so, encourage your friends and loved ones to take The Love Languages Profile. Discuss your respective love languages, and use this insight to improve your relationships!

Anyway... that explains everything pretty well. Dear future boyfriend. Help me when I'm doing the dishes and spend time with me ;] I'll feel loved! 

But, this is the first part that I am starting to feel better about with my insecurities. I'm still so hurt by everything that was said to me this past weekend. When someone picks you apart and tears apart qualities that you saw in yourself that were good. It's so hard to recover. People around you can say so many different things, but your heart still burns with hurt and tears fill your eyes after that pit in your stomach starts. Then, you think well what if they aren't right?

I want to vent a bit about the piano. When I was picked apart one of the things that was brought up was hiding my piano "talent". This is one of the things that hurts the most to think about. I absolutely love to play the piano. Growing up I was never as good as the girls around me taking lessons. I listened to my father criticize me for not being good enough to continue lessons then the next day explain that he just signed me up to play in sacrament meeting. He would scold me constantly. He doesn't do any of that anymore and I am not trying to blame this insecurity on my father because as often as we disagree and don't get along I do love him and he does so much for me. But, I have never been able to sight read, just like I am a slow actual reader. It's something that just never came. It's so hard to get asked to play piano in sacrament meeting or even relief society because I am always afraid I will have something picked to play that I will completely butcher. This is why I keep my piano playing "in the closet" I play at home around the people that I know won't judge me and I don't risk the embarrassment of screwing up a beautiful piece in public but I can still play it and feel the wonderful peace that music brings me. As a matter of fact. I am just going to post this as is and play some piano right now. I choose happiness :) 

Memories

I just wanted to post this video. I have been scrapbooking almost all evening and I have had so much time to reflect on the past two years of my life because primarily I was scrapbooking from awhile back.I even ditched some people I was going to hang out with. (no regrets) But, I came across this video as well because I was thinking about it. Good times with my amazing FHE group last winter semester :) I am so happy! I love it!!!!

The Trejo's

I'm so obsessed with this couple. An amazing friend of mine told me about these videos today and I've been watching them for WAY too long. But, I still love them! I want to be that happy :) 

Life is good.

Life is good. Right now that's all that's important. :) A blog in greater detail will come within the next few days! I love life. I choose happiness. 

Potential

Today I have had a lot of time to think for multiple reasons. But, I've mostly been thinking about potential. My sister in law and I had a really great conversation last night and we were discussing the potential of a person in general. Everyone has such a wonderful potential. No one is perfect obviously. But, if you can look at someone and see their potential it can really help you to understand someone and feel love for them even when you don't even like the person. Sometimes when we feel a certain way about a certain person we just need to think about their potential. Think about the person that they could be in their own progression of life. I'm now thinking about my own potential. I don't really know what it is. I don't know what my Heavenly Father has in store for me. But, I do know that I have a lot of things that I have thought about and I have a lot of personal goals that I will not stray to achieve. My main goal is to have a personal relationship with my Heavenly Father that is unwavering. I want to get at this spiritual high and always keep that importance as number one in my life. I want to find a man that has those same values and has that same importance. We can marry and have those same values where we can strengthen each other in a marriage and always have the Lord first in our lives. I want to be able to look at my spouse and truly know that he loves the Savior and only wants to do what the Lord would have him do. I need someone who is spiritually strong and can help me with my spiritual weaknesses and I can help him with his spiritual weaknesses. I want to be as much of a benefit to him as he is to me. Now that I have sort of tangent-ed to my "perfect man" I might as well continue. I need someone that is constantly showing me how much he cares. I am so insecure and I know I am. I need that reassurance constantly. And words just don't really do it for me. I feel like someone can tell me over and over again that they love me, daily, hourly even. But, if I don't feel their love through their actions I feel a lot different and a lot less loved. It's those love language things. One of mine has to be quality time I think is what it is. Because if you sacrifice to spend time with me that's when I feel loved. The other thing that I need in a man is someone that I can trust and rely on always. Someone that when they aren't with me I'm not constantly thinking about what they are doing and worried about them. I need someone motivated  who knows what they want and do that. I need someone who knows how to work and provide for themselves.I think that's enough tangent for now... But, anyway potential is something that needs to be seen and thought about. That's definitely something that I am currently thinking about. But, throughout all of these random thoughts in this post. I am just so grateful for my wonderful family. Seriously. They are so great. Especially my brother in law. Today my brother in law has been there for me 200%. He was right there for me every single time. I love feeling close to him as well as the rest of my family. I am so grateful for all of the things that my family constantly does for me. They are there for me when life is good and they are even more there for me when life isn't good. I love it. Even though a lot of hurtful things have happened today. Their love has wrapped around me and helped me stay strong. The missionaries also came over this evening and shared a wonderful message. The Lord helped me so much as well. The message they shared was for me from the Lord. I am so grateful for them and the spirit that they bring into my household. I love them so much. I choose happiness. Because being upset just isn't worth my time. 

Money Money Money

Being in such a hard place financially for so long has been so annoying. I am now applying for schools all over the place and I have realized that I hate application fees. Seriously, you're going to charge me money to apply to your school even if I don't get in? Then, if I do get in you'll just take the rest of my money. Dang, why is college so expensive?! Sheesh. it's absolutely ridiculous. I hate it. But, you gotta do what you gotta do. As I have been applying for all sorts of jobs and looking at a bunch of different schools I have gotten really nervous and really excited for my future. I really don't know what it has in store for me and I guess that's really the most exciting part about it! I have NO idea what is going to happen next in my life. But, whatever it is I know it's what God wants for me and I will find myself doing exactly what He wants me to do. Because He is what is most important to me. I love Him with all my heart and I cannot wait for what lies ahead. His opinion is the only one that actually matters to me. I feel like lately a lot of people have been telling me their opinions about what they believe I should be doing with my life. Saying that they think I should be going to school right now. Well, sorry but you don't understand the whole story, if you would ask I would love to tell you all about it. But, you haven't cared to ask. That's okay though. Because...  I choose happiness :) 

True feelings of the heart and thoughts of the mind

This is going to be one of those posts where I am putting my heart and soul into it because that's what I need to do at this point. I need to dig a little deeper and figure out what is actually going on in my head. My boyfriend Stephen and I have had issues to work out since... hmmm.... dare I say the beginning? Okay, maybe not the beginning but the beginning month or so. When we first started dating we weren't really going on dates. We just jumped into this doing nothing couple. We never really did anything besides lay around and watch LOST. Which by the way is an amazing show! I highly recommend it! So, he ended up breaking up with me just a short month after we were official. We were broken up for 4ish days. But, those 4 days were pretty defining for the way the rest of our relationship was going to go. After that we were so committed. Once we were back together there was definitely something deeper there. It was really a good relationship, we found out what was really important and we went from there. Then, I made a mistake. When we all went to Utah I decided to see Andrew (if I were to have blogged in January I would have talked about the conflicting feelings I had between Stephen and Andrew... here's the short version... Andrew in a sense gave me an ultimatum and said okay neither of us are getting over one another so we kind of either need to be all in or all out. He lives in Provo and obviously I live in Nebraska. So, how could we possibly work. But, he really expected me to move to Utah and he would come visit so we could figure out if we really wanted each other. But, this happened all around the complicated time with Stephen. We weren't official but we might as well have been. In the end I didn't have good feelings about ditching Stephen for Andrew and I told Andrew not to come visit. A few weeks after that Stephen and I were officially together. So, I knew where I was and what I wanted. Then, when Stephen broke up with me, I sort of turned to Andrew and knew I was going to Utah and made plans with him for when I was coming.) But, anyway... Andrew and I spent a lot of time together out of the first part of my Utah trip. And I had told Stephen Andrew and I's background in the past just not while we were in Utah. So, I asked for permission and told him exactly what him and I did. And NO I did not cheat on Stephen with Andrew. I would never cheat on someone I am committed to, ever. But, I felt so guilty just spending time with him because while I was with him all I wanted to do was spend more time with him. Once I realized that was how I felt I didn't see him after that. It was for the best. I needed to focus on Stephen and Stephen only.  But, even with that I felt uneasy. I was immediately nit picking at Stephen no matter what he what he did I was picking at it. Then, once I realized what I was doing that I snapped myself out of that. I've realized whenever you get into that stage there is no coming back unless you jump out immediately. The people we are surrounded by are HUMAN just like me and if I am nitpicking that's just saying, hey you aren't perfect and even though it's impossible for you to be perfect you need to be perfect! That is just asking to be nit picked at. I cannot even try to be nit picky about myself because that list would go on for EVER and EVER. I really can't imagine how long it would really be. It would be disastrous! Anyway I snapped out of that really quick and things were really great with Stephen and I with the exception of me being crazy. That would describe different days. But last night I was especially crazy. So crazy that we didn't text goodnight and we haven't said anything to one another today. I don't know what he's thinking obviously. But, I know I have been thinking a lot. But, of course my mind has already gone to the worst possible circumstance. The fact that this could be the end. My craziness I can only imagine has gotten to be too much for him. That we will stop trying to make it work and we are just to the point of giving up. Quoting Stephen, "I didn't give us a fair chance and I want to. I didn't run at the first difference between us and I don't know when enough is enough. I'm scared that I might be right even if we were to try with a conscious effort to find our similarities and common ground." The end little chunk is what I'm afraid is more than likely going through his head right now. I keep thinking if I was on the other end of my craziness how I would react. I probably would be done and fed up. But, it's always hard to put yourself in someone else's shoes.
I have talked about my craziness enough from the last few posts, so I want to kind of break it all down and decide why I am going so crazy. I'm thinking of all my issues in general right now and the first thing that comes to mind is nursing school. Watching everyone around me go to school, so close to graduating with a four year degree... Freaking out that I haven't recieved my diploma from BYU-Idaho and they haven't gotten back to me in weeks about anything. I'm so concerned that now I am out of school and feel like I don't have any direction with my life. I know what I want to do, but I am so afraid to do it. I don't want to be rejected from my dreams. I have no self confidence in this department. The direction with Stephen too is not sure, I mean I don't know how it would be sure, but I'm just in the dark about everything it seems. Work is difficult and I am sick of getting treated like a rag doll. They don't really give me any reason to want to stay. They know I know what I'm talking about and they take advantage of that. They take advantage of the fact that I need money so they constantly ask me to work late. It's so frustrating. More work also just equals more stress and less time to do the things I really need to keep up on. Things like cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, spending time with Stephen, and seeing my family and friends. It's just I believe that people should not work more than 40 hours a week. But, who only works 40 hours a week? Really America is quite a bit different. We all work away our lives, we have to keep busy, so we do keep busy. I feel like I may be stretched too thin. When I'm not working I spend the majority of my time with Stephen. Which isn't a bad thing, but it seems like even things like personal scripture study are pushed aside because I go see Stephen instead. None of this is his fault of course. But, I think as long as he still wants me this needs to change. I need to see my family more than I do. I need an occasional girls night without him. I need personal time to just be at home to do laundry and all that fun stuff. I am gaining weight very regularly. I don't know what it is, well I do. I love food and when I should be exercising I have been relaxing. I need to change that aspect but I don't have the right desires. I have goals that I haven't reached. This is a more broad point. Things like my relationship with my Heavenly Father are not where I want them to be. Including scripture study and prayer, it isn't where it should or where I want it to be. From a different perspective I have wanted to run in a half marathon this summer and progress just hasn't happened there. I seem to get these good plans set, then it all goes out the window because I need to catch up on things at home or feel like I haven't spent enough time with Stephen.
Speaking of Stephen (shoot, when am I not speaking of Stephen..) I really want to just talk to him right now. I need someone to talk all of this out with and he would be the perfect person. But, I don't really fully understand what happened last night other than the fact that I had previously expressed it was too late to start something and he still wanted to do something, so we did. Then, when I naturally started falling asleep he asked why we did something starting so late and I just kind of picked up and left. We didn't really even say goodbye. That's never good. It wasn't really unsettling until now. I don't know what to do. Hopefully something will be figured out. I dug out a bunch of issues I have and if I kept going I would never stop writing so I'm going to call it good and move on with my day. But, I'm trying to choose happiness. :) 

Crazy Crazy

Well, I should stop starting out my blogs with I haven't written in awhile. Because that should just be understood by now that most likely I won't be saying much very often.  But, I am going to say something now. This is titled crazy crazy because I AM CRAZY CRAZY. Absolutely nuts. I don't remember what Stephen told me exactly but it was something along the lines of I need to cool down when we were out at dinner tonight. I was all sorts of fired up. But, it all started with me trying to organize a group hang out. I have realized time after time I cannot organize anything with a group of people. Especially when it's at Buffalo Wild Wings. My brother's surprise birthday party in December was supposed to be at Buffalo Wild Wings... so much for that. it was a disaster and tonight trying to get a group of friends together was a disaster as well. So, I was stressing all about that because I accidentally fell asleep for an hour (story of my life... I can't stay up for anything anymore. I don't know what happened to me but I must be turning into an old woman. The old women at work are really changing me to become like them.). But, eventually we did go to Buffalo Wild Wings (just Stephen and I after I failed with the group gathering completely) and it was pretty great except for me being completely NUTS. But, I do have one thing to blame this moodiness on and that would be PMS. Yupp, I'm using it and I'm writing about it on a public blog. I'm going to try to explain it so men who don't understand women's mood changes can get a little bit of insiders on it. Not that I am specifically reaching out to anyone. More than anything this is just a vent session with my thoughts, trying to understand why things are the way they are and why I am where I am right now.
So, when I am going crazy it's like someone just left the kitchen sink on with the plug and there is no way to go shut the water off. All you can do is wait for it to overflow. Then, the only way to stop it is to shut the water in the whole house off which is really complicated for some reason. But, basically I get set in one place and I can't stand what's going on. It really doesn't matter what the situation is, big or little if it is even remotely disturbing to my happiness, that's it. I can't do it. The sink is stopped and overflowing I'm done for. I am actually so nervous for whenever I am pregnant because I am going to be one of those absolutely insane pregnant ladies that is just super grumpy and needy. I am not really looking forward to being THAT at all. Now, children I'm excited for.
But, that's kind of exactly what happened today. I'm so crazy. But, I've only been home for about a half an hour and I already have it all under control. I'm not even a little bit upset. I'm also happy. But, it didn't matter all night I was trying to just be happy, but for some strange reason I just couldn't do it. Now, don't get me wrong. I was happy all night. I just had a few other issues. I was just letting my craziness overpower me. Can I get a YIKES. A new goal is just to be able to get this craziness under control. I'm really thinking I will get there. Any emotion can be controlled. Now, I just need to be more actively choosing happiness and life will be much simpler. I need to fight through these ridiculous stages of PMS emotion and just be happy! I think that I need to be a little better in other aspects of my life first. :) Now for onto CHOOSING HAPPINESS :) :)

Starting a New Chapter

Sometimes in our lives we close our own chapters of our lives. But sometimes it seems like chapters are ended by someone else and we have lost control of the story. Sometimes we are in a way forced to start a new chapter. Those people around us, often make decisions that in the end actually effect us. Take relationships for example (of course that would be the first example... can you tell I just went through a break up?) If someone is in a relationship and they decide they don't want to be in it, then they don't want to be in it. There isn't anything you can do or say about it. When you resist you just look pathetic. When you agree you are just contributing to the issue. If it is something that you didn't originally want and you fight for it then it's going to just be an issue for awhile... You will play the situation in your head over and over again like a movie. But, it doesn't seem to ever make any more sense than the first time it went through your head, right? So, what you have to do is fight for what you want even if it makes you look pathetic. Because you won't really regret doing what you felt like you had to to fight for what you wanted. But, this is how I feel this time. I fought for awhile. But, then about an hour after I realized that if it wasn't him, it would have eventually been me. He was driving me absolutely NUTS. (and no, not in a good way) I couldn't get myself to get over it. Just last week we had two tiffs. I've always for the most part been chill in my relationships, but not this one I guess. Maybe it had something to do with our quick beginning. Or our interesting first month of going on "dates". I don't really know what it was. But, there was something. Now right now I'm hurting I haven't been broken up with for quite some time. I've been hurt by guys I never dated and I've been hurt by guys I've dated that I eventually broke up with. But officially broken up with? Yeah, been quite some time. But, the biggest part that I don't understand about this relationship? He told me he loved me at the same time he told me he started thinking about breaking up with me. We had multiple discussions about our feelings for each other and how we felt like we were in a really good place and how we were going somewhere. Turns out that's not actually what was going on at all. I guess communicating still sometimes doesn't even make everything clear. People can still hide their true feelings and the other person in the relationship can still be confused and have no idea they were even confused until it is too late. But, once they understand the whole story, it will seem like everything previous was a lie. When really often times it would have been a lie. But, who knows what to say about situations such as these. Just that you (I) need to keep your (my) chin up and continue forward, accept what this new chapter has to offer. But, since the past two weeks I've kind of been having weird thoughts in general mine sort of seems to just want to rip out the last chapter and go back to reread an old one. Re-reading old chapters can be dangerous but it can also be helpful and encouraging. Sometimes we can learn from our more recent mistakes and fix older chapters, mend them and bring them into the new chapter. Sometimes this can be dangerous sometimes it is what's best and sometimes it is just done out of anger. It really all depends on what type of chapter you are going back into. But enough about these chapters. I'm figuring out where I'm going next and I already know, I've known exactly where I want to go next for a few weeks I have just been too much of a wimp to admit it to myself. Now I can (without shame) admit a lot of things. I'm excited and ready for this new chapter (I may or may not be speaking for just right now... we'll see). But, I think that I'm just going to go to bed and get a wonderful sleep. Get ready to take on the day tomorrow and enjoy life. Because LIFE is amazing, I love life. And I choose happiness! I CHOOSE HAPPINESS. Seriously. 

Dramatic Me

I've had a drama issue since well... forever. I don't know why things just tend to bother me but they do. I haven't had such an issue for awhile. Lately it seems like I've just been listening to everyone else's drama, whatever that is which is normally nothing. When is drama really much anyway, honestly? But, I had a moment of weakness last night and I cant take any of it back. I just had some interesting thoughts but I couldn't figure out what was going on and my dramatic sign got to the best of me. Those moments where you just wish that you could take it back, pretend that nothing bothered you, that was me last night. I don't like being in those places where I have a lot of things that could bring my dramatic side out. I haven't really been able to figure out how to get over being so dramatic, I've just tried to be better at maintaining it. And last night was not one of my strong points. But, now I'm just lagging from everything that I reacted to. I'm trying to be chill. So, I'm going to work on that while I go to work.
What I want to say is drama isn't worth anyone's time, especially my own. But, I have this obnoxious quality just stuck inside of me even though I've grown and tried to get over it. I'm still working on that and writing about it helps. What happened yesterday isn't important at all. All that I need to do is get over it and move forward. I need to choose happiness and I think by rambling about it on my blog. I have gotten over it and chose happiness. Life isn't worth holding grudges or being angry with someone. It isn't worth sitting around and waiting for someone to call or make a move. We need to say how we feel, suffer the consequences for saying how we feel, smile, be happy, and stay calm. I think I'm to that point. Everything will be more than okay from here on out. :) I choose happiness!