This is going to be one of those posts where I am putting my heart and soul into it because that's what I need to do at this point. I need to dig a little deeper and figure out what is actually going on in my head. My boyfriend Stephen and I have had issues to work out since... hmmm.... dare I say the beginning? Okay, maybe not the beginning but the beginning month or so. When we first started dating we weren't really going on dates. We just jumped into this doing nothing couple. We never really did anything besides lay around and watch LOST. Which by the way is an amazing show! I highly recommend it! So, he ended up breaking up with me just a short month after we were official. We were broken up for 4ish days. But, those 4 days were pretty defining for the way the rest of our relationship was going to go. After that we were so committed. Once we were back together there was definitely something deeper there. It was really a good relationship, we found out what was really important and we went from there. Then, I made a mistake. When we all went to Utah I decided to see Andrew (if I were to have blogged in January I would have talked about the conflicting feelings I had between Stephen and Andrew... here's the short version... Andrew in a sense gave me an ultimatum and said okay neither of us are getting over one another so we kind of either need to be all in or all out. He lives in Provo and obviously I live in Nebraska. So, how could we possibly work. But, he really expected me to move to Utah and he would come visit so we could figure out if we really wanted each other. But, this happened all around the complicated time with Stephen. We weren't official but we might as well have been. In the end I didn't have good feelings about ditching Stephen for Andrew and I told Andrew not to come visit. A few weeks after that Stephen and I were officially together. So, I knew where I was and what I wanted. Then, when Stephen broke up with me, I sort of turned to Andrew and knew I was going to Utah and made plans with him for when I was coming.) But, anyway... Andrew and I spent a lot of time together out of the first part of my Utah trip. And I had told Stephen Andrew and I's background in the past just not while we were in Utah. So, I asked for permission and told him exactly what him and I did. And NO I did not cheat on Stephen with Andrew. I would never cheat on someone I am committed to, ever. But, I felt so guilty just spending time with him because while I was with him all I wanted to do was spend more time with him. Once I realized that was how I felt I didn't see him after that. It was for the best. I needed to focus on Stephen and Stephen only. But, even with that I felt uneasy. I was immediately nit picking at Stephen no matter what he what he did I was picking at it. Then, once I realized what I was doing that I snapped myself out of that. I've realized whenever you get into that stage there is no coming back unless you jump out immediately. The people we are surrounded by are HUMAN just like me and if I am nitpicking that's just saying, hey you aren't perfect and even though it's impossible for you to be perfect you need to be perfect! That is just asking to be nit picked at. I cannot even try to be nit picky about myself because that list would go on for EVER and EVER. I really can't imagine how long it would really be. It would be disastrous! Anyway I snapped out of that really quick and things were really great with Stephen and I with the exception of me being crazy. That would describe different days. But last night I was especially crazy. So crazy that we didn't text goodnight and we haven't said anything to one another today. I don't know what he's thinking obviously. But, I know I have been thinking a lot. But, of course my mind has already gone to the worst possible circumstance. The fact that this could be the end. My craziness I can only imagine has gotten to be too much for him. That we will stop trying to make it work and we are just to the point of giving up. Quoting Stephen, "I didn't give us a fair chance and I want to. I didn't run at the first difference between us and I don't know when enough is enough. I'm scared that I might be right even if we were to try with a conscious effort to find our similarities and common ground." The end little chunk is what I'm afraid is more than likely going through his head right now. I keep thinking if I was on the other end of my craziness how I would react. I probably would be done and fed up. But, it's always hard to put yourself in someone else's shoes.
I have talked about my craziness enough from the last few posts, so I want to kind of break it all down and decide why I am going so crazy. I'm thinking of all my issues in general right now and the first thing that comes to mind is nursing school. Watching everyone around me go to school, so close to graduating with a four year degree... Freaking out that I haven't recieved my diploma from BYU-Idaho and they haven't gotten back to me in weeks about anything. I'm so concerned that now I am out of school and feel like I don't have any direction with my life. I know what I want to do, but I am so afraid to do it. I don't want to be rejected from my dreams. I have no self confidence in this department. The direction with Stephen too is not sure, I mean I don't know how it would be sure, but I'm just in the dark about everything it seems. Work is difficult and I am sick of getting treated like a rag doll. They don't really give me any reason to want to stay. They know I know what I'm talking about and they take advantage of that. They take advantage of the fact that I need money so they constantly ask me to work late. It's so frustrating. More work also just equals more stress and less time to do the things I really need to keep up on. Things like cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, spending time with Stephen, and seeing my family and friends. It's just I believe that people should not work more than 40 hours a week. But, who only works 40 hours a week? Really America is quite a bit different. We all work away our lives, we have to keep busy, so we do keep busy. I feel like I may be stretched too thin. When I'm not working I spend the majority of my time with Stephen. Which isn't a bad thing, but it seems like even things like personal scripture study are pushed aside because I go see Stephen instead. None of this is his fault of course. But, I think as long as he still wants me this needs to change. I need to see my family more than I do. I need an occasional girls night without him. I need personal time to just be at home to do laundry and all that fun stuff. I am gaining weight very regularly. I don't know what it is, well I do. I love food and when I should be exercising I have been relaxing. I need to change that aspect but I don't have the right desires. I have goals that I haven't reached. This is a more broad point. Things like my relationship with my Heavenly Father are not where I want them to be. Including scripture study and prayer, it isn't where it should or where I want it to be. From a different perspective I have wanted to run in a half marathon this summer and progress just hasn't happened there. I seem to get these good plans set, then it all goes out the window because I need to catch up on things at home or feel like I haven't spent enough time with Stephen.
Speaking of Stephen (shoot, when am I not speaking of Stephen..) I really want to just talk to him right now. I need someone to talk all of this out with and he would be the perfect person. But, I don't really fully understand what happened last night other than the fact that I had previously expressed it was too late to start something and he still wanted to do something, so we did. Then, when I naturally started falling asleep he asked why we did something starting so late and I just kind of picked up and left. We didn't really even say goodbye. That's never good. It wasn't really unsettling until now. I don't know what to do. Hopefully something will be figured out. I dug out a bunch of issues I have and if I kept going I would never stop writing so I'm going to call it good and move on with my day. But, I'm trying to choose happiness. :)
I have talked about my craziness enough from the last few posts, so I want to kind of break it all down and decide why I am going so crazy. I'm thinking of all my issues in general right now and the first thing that comes to mind is nursing school. Watching everyone around me go to school, so close to graduating with a four year degree... Freaking out that I haven't recieved my diploma from BYU-Idaho and they haven't gotten back to me in weeks about anything. I'm so concerned that now I am out of school and feel like I don't have any direction with my life. I know what I want to do, but I am so afraid to do it. I don't want to be rejected from my dreams. I have no self confidence in this department. The direction with Stephen too is not sure, I mean I don't know how it would be sure, but I'm just in the dark about everything it seems. Work is difficult and I am sick of getting treated like a rag doll. They don't really give me any reason to want to stay. They know I know what I'm talking about and they take advantage of that. They take advantage of the fact that I need money so they constantly ask me to work late. It's so frustrating. More work also just equals more stress and less time to do the things I really need to keep up on. Things like cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, spending time with Stephen, and seeing my family and friends. It's just I believe that people should not work more than 40 hours a week. But, who only works 40 hours a week? Really America is quite a bit different. We all work away our lives, we have to keep busy, so we do keep busy. I feel like I may be stretched too thin. When I'm not working I spend the majority of my time with Stephen. Which isn't a bad thing, but it seems like even things like personal scripture study are pushed aside because I go see Stephen instead. None of this is his fault of course. But, I think as long as he still wants me this needs to change. I need to see my family more than I do. I need an occasional girls night without him. I need personal time to just be at home to do laundry and all that fun stuff. I am gaining weight very regularly. I don't know what it is, well I do. I love food and when I should be exercising I have been relaxing. I need to change that aspect but I don't have the right desires. I have goals that I haven't reached. This is a more broad point. Things like my relationship with my Heavenly Father are not where I want them to be. Including scripture study and prayer, it isn't where it should or where I want it to be. From a different perspective I have wanted to run in a half marathon this summer and progress just hasn't happened there. I seem to get these good plans set, then it all goes out the window because I need to catch up on things at home or feel like I haven't spent enough time with Stephen.
Speaking of Stephen (shoot, when am I not speaking of Stephen..) I really want to just talk to him right now. I need someone to talk all of this out with and he would be the perfect person. But, I don't really fully understand what happened last night other than the fact that I had previously expressed it was too late to start something and he still wanted to do something, so we did. Then, when I naturally started falling asleep he asked why we did something starting so late and I just kind of picked up and left. We didn't really even say goodbye. That's never good. It wasn't really unsettling until now. I don't know what to do. Hopefully something will be figured out. I dug out a bunch of issues I have and if I kept going I would never stop writing so I'm going to call it good and move on with my day. But, I'm trying to choose happiness. :)
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