My Love Languages

I have been thinking A LOT the past few days about a lot of different things. Trying to figure out myself. I had a lot of things criticized about my personality and it wasn't constructive either. I've been so hurt emotionally and I'm just trying to bounce out of the slum I have sunk into. I reflected on past relationships, including the most recent and I came up with a few things I wanted to do. I was thinking back to my relationship with Josh and our little immature "you're amazing" "no you're amazing" fights and the "I love you" "I love you more" "Well I love you most". I truly meant it every time I said that he was more amazing or that I loved him more. I had true deep feelings for him and I do believe that if we did officially get engaged and married last year that I could have been happy with him. But, I also realize that I could be happier. Yes I loved him and I would have been willing to do so much for him and for our relationship. But, in the end I knew that I deserved better and he is happily married to my old roommate Aubrey and I can honestly say I am happy for him. Last fall I never thought  I would get to this point because of the way that the whole thing went down. But, I'm glad that they found each other and I hope their lives continue to be happy throughout eternity. Now, comparing Josh and I to Stephen and I... Stephen said I love you fairly early for me, at  a point where I hadn't even thought about whether or not I felt that deeply about him. Then, over the next few days or week (I don't remember) I realized that I did love him. But, I don't know how deep my love went. I know I never felt as deeply about him as I did with Josh. Things with Josh were perfect and I really didn't know what I had until I was with Stephen. Josh and I had one disagreement in the 7 months we were together. And our disagreement was about where we wanted to live when we were married. I refused to live in Idaho and he was basically stuck in his decision to stay. When I realized I couldn't sacrifice Nebraska for him, that's when I realized I couldn't marry him. But with Stephen we fought all the time. from the beginning of the relationship and the biggest one at the end. It was awful. We couldn't even go a week without getting upset with one another about something. Whether it be me keeping him up too late, me falling asleep with him around, me getting frustrated about not going on dates, and who knows what else. It was almost like we were just trying to force this relationship because it was convenient. I think back to January when I was talking to both Stephen and Andrew. I was conflicted for many reasons. I didn't really know Stephen and I wanted to get to know him and Andrew was in Utah, I knew him well and knew how much I wanted to be with him and how it keeps not working out. I hate having multiple guys on my plate because I feel like I end up either hurting one guy, choosing the wrong one, or screwing myself over by messing it up with both of them. I sometimes just wish that guys didn't want to date me, but then at the same time it makes it easier to decide what I really want in an eternal companion. And I know it isn't fair to compare past relationships with current ones but how else do you figure out what you want for sure? I almost think it's necessary. Well, I obviously thought a lot more about all of this stuff but I think that is about as deep as I'll go with that part of the post. But, anyway one of my other issues with Stephen and I is that I never felt like he cared about me. Okay, correction I will not say never. Because there were moments and days maybe sometimes a week that went by that I felt like he cared. But, it wasn't consistent and I couldn't really depend on it. I've always been insecure with my looks, my "talents", my life, and my family. So, I think that not having the reassurance often that he cared about me made it difficult for me to stay in the relationship. But, I decided tonight to take one of those love languages quizzes to see which one I was. Because really I don't know that it was my insecurities at all it might have just been that he didn't know how to show me he loved me the way that I really needed him too. Maybe all my past relationships figured that out. Well, the ones that didn't figure it out I broke up with early on I'm guessing. But, it's hard to really remember. Anyway I took a quiz and these are my scores:
Acts of Service: 9
Quality Time: 8
Words of Affirmation: 6
Receiving Gifts: 4
Physical Touch: 3

Acts of Service

Can helping with homework really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most wants to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter. When others serve you out of love (and not obligation), you feel truly valued and loved.

Quality Time

In Quality Time, nothing says “I love you” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes you feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed activities, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. Whether itʼs spending uninterrupted time talking with someone else or doing activities together, you deepen your connection with others through sharing time.

Words of Affirmation

Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. You thrive on hearing kind and encouraging words that build you up.

Receiving Gifts

Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures. Gifts are heartfelt symbols to you of someone else’s love and affection for you.

Physical Touch

A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, and thoughtful touches on the arm—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive. Appropriate and timely touches communicate warmth, safety, and love to you.

Important to Remember:

You may have scored certain ones of the love languages more highly than others, but do not dismiss those other languages as insignificant. Your friends and loved ones may express love in those ways, and it will be beneficial for you to understand this about them.

In the same way, it will benefit your friends and loved ones to know your love language and express his affection for you in ways that you interpret as love. Every time you or they speak one another’s language, you score emotional points with one another. Of course, this isn’t a game with a scorecard! The payoff of speaking each other’s love language is more of a feeling of “this person understands me and cares for me.” This translates into better communication, increased understanding, and, ultimately, improved relationship.

If you have not already done so, encourage your friends and loved ones to take The Love Languages Profile. Discuss your respective love languages, and use this insight to improve your relationships!

Anyway... that explains everything pretty well. Dear future boyfriend. Help me when I'm doing the dishes and spend time with me ;] I'll feel loved! 

But, this is the first part that I am starting to feel better about with my insecurities. I'm still so hurt by everything that was said to me this past weekend. When someone picks you apart and tears apart qualities that you saw in yourself that were good. It's so hard to recover. People around you can say so many different things, but your heart still burns with hurt and tears fill your eyes after that pit in your stomach starts. Then, you think well what if they aren't right?

I want to vent a bit about the piano. When I was picked apart one of the things that was brought up was hiding my piano "talent". This is one of the things that hurts the most to think about. I absolutely love to play the piano. Growing up I was never as good as the girls around me taking lessons. I listened to my father criticize me for not being good enough to continue lessons then the next day explain that he just signed me up to play in sacrament meeting. He would scold me constantly. He doesn't do any of that anymore and I am not trying to blame this insecurity on my father because as often as we disagree and don't get along I do love him and he does so much for me. But, I have never been able to sight read, just like I am a slow actual reader. It's something that just never came. It's so hard to get asked to play piano in sacrament meeting or even relief society because I am always afraid I will have something picked to play that I will completely butcher. This is why I keep my piano playing "in the closet" I play at home around the people that I know won't judge me and I don't risk the embarrassment of screwing up a beautiful piece in public but I can still play it and feel the wonderful peace that music brings me. As a matter of fact. I am just going to post this as is and play some piano right now. I choose happiness :)