In case everyone wasn't aware, I'm the black plague, stay away from me because all I will do to you is bring heartache, stress, and sadness. I WILL HURT YOU. Never physically, but emotionally I will tear you down. But finally the emotions I have unintentionally caused in others have come back to get me. Yes, I did live up to the hashtag #shewillgetwhatshedeserves or #whatgoesaroundcomesaround I can't remember, I hope that makes someone happy just for the sake of at least one person being happy.
So enough with all of this beating around the bush and all. I did something dumb. And I mean really dumb. This is what should have been said to me before I did it.... by someone....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bobp5OHVsWY (I can't get it to stay on the post so the link will have to do...)
Oh wait, it was... and I didn't listen, but now I believe. I did this instead which should normally be a good motto to live by.. except in this case.
Sadly, nothing went right...this time....
I decided to talk to Stephen. It went terribly and was unnecessary. He definitely wanted nothing to do with me and has his own opinions about how everything went down. (Sounds familiar doesn't it? I feel like I'm reliving the Palmer break up but as a mini... Comparing... Palmer was a part of my life for roughly 6 years I was in love with him for 3 of those years. Stephen was a part of my life for roughly 6 months and I was [am] in love with him for about 3 months. We broke up suddenly in both and both seemed mutual at first. But here is a difference. With Palmer I was immediately effected by the breakup and was an emotional wreck. With Stephen I was happy and can be for about a month and a half. Now suddenly I'm an emotional wreck. With Palmer he assumed I was cheating on him while we were together and that's why I dated Zac so soon after, with Stephen he assumed I was keeping my options open while we were together and that's why I went on dates right after. But with both of them they didn't care to hear my explanation or my side of the story.But I have to say with both of them it's interesting how they treated me to my face while we were together and after the break ups. With Palmer he treated me like a queen when we were together, once we broke up we were still in love with each other and we were still so close, just not the physical part of dating. then things sort of went downhill when he started assuming the worst. I dated Zac. Originally as a rebound that turned into so Much more and that was it. Now with Stephen a week after we broke up or so he sat me down and told me I needed therapy and proceeded to tell me how I screwed up our relationship. I apologized for how I acted the day of our big fight and I can't remember an apology from him at all. But with Palmer all the mean things about me were put into a terrible song about me that he wrote. The differences with the two this one almost hurts worse. I say, say what you want online and in your music but if you can watch me cry as you're breaking my heart through words. Good for you. I'm hurt. You did it. I'm glad you can see me suffer. Apparently that's what you want. Go ahead and check that off the list.)
This Bill Cosby quote sort of describes what I didn't do with Stephen... Because I did the exact opposite. I decided I was more afraid of it. But, I know that I needed to make a decision... maybe I made the right one, maybe I made the wrong one.
Anyway so when I talked to him I brought up how I was sorry about how things went down and how I still care about him and would love to be his friend and know what's going on in his life. I'm not sure that I would want to date him again if that were ever an option but I don't hate him, I've forgiven him for everything and I understand things a lot better than I did. I didn't put my all into our relationship, and it was all because I wouldn't let him in. Then as things were going really well the huge fight happened and I was done. But as much as I have focused on the negative there were many positives. I just didn't think about it. But none of this matters now it's been 8 weeks, in Stephen's words. I remember him repeating that over and over like he was trying to say it had been an eternity. When honestly I hadn't even kept track of how long we had been avoiding each other. But apparently he had. Perfect. He was also talking about how if I would have been more willing to work things out he probably would have fought the break up. But he spent weeks trying to forgive me and to move on. How hard it was....
But here is the icing on the cake, at the end of the conversation he decided to tell me how we should keep things the same way and not change anything. So he wasn't willing to be friends to make a long story short. Then he said that morning he made things official with a girl he was dating. That's great, really. So we could have avoided the whole conversation because no one wants to be friends with an ex when they are dating someone else (except me). Yes, I realize I think weird and don't make any sense. Let's just be strangers for awhile and then once I have my emotions under control and know where I am in my life we can be friends. Most of the time that is how it is. Unless something absolutely unexpected and hurtful happens. And sometimes it's a close friendship that is constant and sometimes it is just a friendship where we catch up every few months. Really, I just like the idea of being able to see the ex and genuinely want to know how they are doing. That's where I am with Stephen. I want to know how he is, I want to know how he is doing in his life. Nothing crazy detail. Although now I have realized that we could have a connection that way too, especially now that I am willing to have it.
I am blocked on facebook (I know this sounds trivial, but it's not about the facebook really, it's just like okay... just de-friend me, what do you think I'm going to do on your facebook tell you I love you on your wall? I just don't fully understand the point of blocking someone on facebook. It's almost like de-friending is more hurtful because people have to see you on facebook and know you aren't friends.) I also brought that up in our conversation and that was something he sort of blew up about. But, I know he don't think he fully understood (of course this is assumption).
I guess I should also talk about a few other boys that were in my life.. that no longer are. First ones first, Andrew and I haven't talked in about a month now (wow! That's so long!) I don't really know why we don't talk, but last minute when I was going to go to Kansas City to see him I didn't end up going and we officially decided to just be friends. It wasn't right for me to move to Utah (I still sometimes wish it was to get away from all of this Nebraska drama) so most likely we wouldn't work out anyway because we wouldn't be in the same state possibly ever.
Then, there is Jacob. I went to visit him when he got home (which was a short time after Stephen and I broke up I don't remember how long) and I think we got ahead of ourselves, he talked a lot about marriage, I wasn't near ready to talk about even dating. We never kissed, but we were going on dates and talking a lot the two times he visited after I went to visit him. Then, I had a moment where something strange happened. It reminded me of Stephen and I sort of freaked out, realizing there was a large possibility he was a rebound. I have since slowed it all down and we are just friends. The word marriage and dating isn't allowed to be stated.
Anyway... Stephen and I will officially never be friends. Well, that is unless he comes to me and wants to be friends, I would say yes. But, I know that will never happen. So, I will continue to make the other friendships in my life better. I will look to the future and put my trust in my Heavenly Father and know that what is happening is what is supposed to happen and I am on the right path.
Right now, I'm not dating. Not looking to date I am only establishing friendships. Not that boys are flocking or anything. (because really why would they be? I'm a tease and a heart breaker. Everyone has already said it. I'll just admit it for myself.)
So, life is great even when people hate me :] I really do love my life. I have an AMAZING job. I live with wonderful caring parents. I have a nearby brother, sister, and brother in law that are constantly there for me! :] as well as an awesome niece close by! I love them all so much! And I do have some great friends! I may not have them close by but they are around the country! :) And the few that are close by are good too! I choose happiness!
So enough with all of this beating around the bush and all. I did something dumb. And I mean really dumb. This is what should have been said to me before I did it.... by someone....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bobp5OHVsWY (I can't get it to stay on the post so the link will have to do...)
Oh wait, it was... and I didn't listen, but now I believe. I did this instead which should normally be a good motto to live by.. except in this case.
I decided to talk to Stephen. It went terribly and was unnecessary. He definitely wanted nothing to do with me and has his own opinions about how everything went down. (Sounds familiar doesn't it? I feel like I'm reliving the Palmer break up but as a mini... Comparing... Palmer was a part of my life for roughly 6 years I was in love with him for 3 of those years. Stephen was a part of my life for roughly 6 months and I was [am] in love with him for about 3 months. We broke up suddenly in both and both seemed mutual at first. But here is a difference. With Palmer I was immediately effected by the breakup and was an emotional wreck. With Stephen I was happy and can be for about a month and a half. Now suddenly I'm an emotional wreck. With Palmer he assumed I was cheating on him while we were together and that's why I dated Zac so soon after, with Stephen he assumed I was keeping my options open while we were together and that's why I went on dates right after. But with both of them they didn't care to hear my explanation or my side of the story.But I have to say with both of them it's interesting how they treated me to my face while we were together and after the break ups. With Palmer he treated me like a queen when we were together, once we broke up we were still in love with each other and we were still so close, just not the physical part of dating. then things sort of went downhill when he started assuming the worst. I dated Zac. Originally as a rebound that turned into so Much more and that was it. Now with Stephen a week after we broke up or so he sat me down and told me I needed therapy and proceeded to tell me how I screwed up our relationship. I apologized for how I acted the day of our big fight and I can't remember an apology from him at all. But with Palmer all the mean things about me were put into a terrible song about me that he wrote. The differences with the two this one almost hurts worse. I say, say what you want online and in your music but if you can watch me cry as you're breaking my heart through words. Good for you. I'm hurt. You did it. I'm glad you can see me suffer. Apparently that's what you want. Go ahead and check that off the list.)
This Bill Cosby quote sort of describes what I didn't do with Stephen... Because I did the exact opposite. I decided I was more afraid of it. But, I know that I needed to make a decision... maybe I made the right one, maybe I made the wrong one.
Anyway so when I talked to him I brought up how I was sorry about how things went down and how I still care about him and would love to be his friend and know what's going on in his life. I'm not sure that I would want to date him again if that were ever an option but I don't hate him, I've forgiven him for everything and I understand things a lot better than I did. I didn't put my all into our relationship, and it was all because I wouldn't let him in. Then as things were going really well the huge fight happened and I was done. But as much as I have focused on the negative there were many positives. I just didn't think about it. But none of this matters now it's been 8 weeks, in Stephen's words. I remember him repeating that over and over like he was trying to say it had been an eternity. When honestly I hadn't even kept track of how long we had been avoiding each other. But apparently he had. Perfect. He was also talking about how if I would have been more willing to work things out he probably would have fought the break up. But he spent weeks trying to forgive me and to move on. How hard it was....
But here is the icing on the cake, at the end of the conversation he decided to tell me how we should keep things the same way and not change anything. So he wasn't willing to be friends to make a long story short. Then he said that morning he made things official with a girl he was dating. That's great, really. So we could have avoided the whole conversation because no one wants to be friends with an ex when they are dating someone else (except me). Yes, I realize I think weird and don't make any sense. Let's just be strangers for awhile and then once I have my emotions under control and know where I am in my life we can be friends. Most of the time that is how it is. Unless something absolutely unexpected and hurtful happens. And sometimes it's a close friendship that is constant and sometimes it is just a friendship where we catch up every few months. Really, I just like the idea of being able to see the ex and genuinely want to know how they are doing. That's where I am with Stephen. I want to know how he is, I want to know how he is doing in his life. Nothing crazy detail. Although now I have realized that we could have a connection that way too, especially now that I am willing to have it.
I am blocked on facebook (I know this sounds trivial, but it's not about the facebook really, it's just like okay... just de-friend me, what do you think I'm going to do on your facebook tell you I love you on your wall? I just don't fully understand the point of blocking someone on facebook. It's almost like de-friending is more hurtful because people have to see you on facebook and know you aren't friends.) I also brought that up in our conversation and that was something he sort of blew up about. But, I know he don't think he fully understood (of course this is assumption).
I guess I should also talk about a few other boys that were in my life.. that no longer are. First ones first, Andrew and I haven't talked in about a month now (wow! That's so long!) I don't really know why we don't talk, but last minute when I was going to go to Kansas City to see him I didn't end up going and we officially decided to just be friends. It wasn't right for me to move to Utah (I still sometimes wish it was to get away from all of this Nebraska drama) so most likely we wouldn't work out anyway because we wouldn't be in the same state possibly ever.
Then, there is Jacob. I went to visit him when he got home (which was a short time after Stephen and I broke up I don't remember how long) and I think we got ahead of ourselves, he talked a lot about marriage, I wasn't near ready to talk about even dating. We never kissed, but we were going on dates and talking a lot the two times he visited after I went to visit him. Then, I had a moment where something strange happened. It reminded me of Stephen and I sort of freaked out, realizing there was a large possibility he was a rebound. I have since slowed it all down and we are just friends. The word marriage and dating isn't allowed to be stated.
Anyway... Stephen and I will officially never be friends. Well, that is unless he comes to me and wants to be friends, I would say yes. But, I know that will never happen. So, I will continue to make the other friendships in my life better. I will look to the future and put my trust in my Heavenly Father and know that what is happening is what is supposed to happen and I am on the right path.
Right now, I'm not dating. Not looking to date I am only establishing friendships. Not that boys are flocking or anything. (because really why would they be? I'm a tease and a heart breaker. Everyone has already said it. I'll just admit it for myself.)
So, life is great even when people hate me :] I really do love my life. I have an AMAZING job. I live with wonderful caring parents. I have a nearby brother, sister, and brother in law that are constantly there for me! :] as well as an awesome niece close by! I love them all so much! And I do have some great friends! I may not have them close by but they are around the country! :) And the few that are close by are good too! I choose happiness!
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