Home for the Holidays

I'll be home for Christmas. :] It's definitely the way I'm feeling. It's been the greatest decision to come home for these few weeks to spend this time with my family. :] After not making it home for Thanksgiving and having to be alone Thanksgiving... it's amazing to come home :D As much as I am looking forward to going to back to Rexburg there really just isn't anywhere I'd rather be!!! I'm so happy! Choosing happiness is a tad bit easier when I'm around family. :D

Boys

I feel like every semester I begin with high hopes for something to happen with a boy. Then, I get up to school and something turns out terrible. Then, I go through the semester hating boys. Then, a few weeks before the end someone just happens to pop into my life. I don't even know if I understand WHY. The weirdest part is I always feel like it was someone that I've seen throughout the semester that is somehow NOW paying attention to me. Well, this semester is no different. But, this time I'm not getting my hopes up. Now, don't confuse that phrase with I won't be happy... BECAUSE I WILL BE HAPPY!!!! It's just I can't let myself be hurt again. I choose happiness. 

This Past Month

So, first of all it's been exactly a month today since I've last posted... So, I figured I should probably say at least something. But, I don't really know what to say. November was ridiculous. There's something. I felt like things just kept happening, terrible things. If it wasn't one thing going wrong it was another. But, These past 2 or 3 weeks I've really just been choosing happiness. It's kind of crazy because I felt like when things got to the worst they were I had the greatest day ever! :] It just proves how much attitude has so much to do with our lives. If we CHOOSE to feel a certain way about a situation it makes things simpler. I can't lie to thought I did great for a couple days and then last Sunday I was having a chat with my mom and i completely broke down. Then, that carried on to the conversation I had with my dad that same night. It was pretty awful. But, I really think that things are going to get so much better! There's no way they won't! I feel like when things are terrible it's kind of nice, because you KNOW that the only way things can go is up. It's a great feeling. I love being positive. It's so great. People want to be around you, you make friends faster and easier. You almost die of laughter every single day... CAN YOU GET MUCH BETTER THAN THAT?! I think not!!!! Well, I'm planning on posting at least once a week again... I know this one is short but it's the week before finals week and I have SOOOO much to do! I can't even believe that I have 12 FINALS! It's beyond ridiculous. The marathon of finals begins tomorrow at 10:15am... I am so looking forward to it (being over...) I really don't feel prepared but I'm working on it. Well, this is probably the worst post ever. But, I choose happiness :] It's the best way to go!!!

Yesterdays

Some yesterdays seem like YEARS ago that were just last week. Other yesterdays that were years ago feel like they were today. Days tend to run together. Some memories never fade. Some pain just never goes away. You can cover up pain with false happiness but deep down you can know your true feelings. Does it make sense? OF COURSE NOT. But, how do you control it?! YOU DON'T. It doesn't make sense. None of it does, but you can't help but think about it. Constantly. But, you can't talk to anyone about it because you are supposed to just "get over it". Emotions should just run away from you. When people are mean you are supposed to hate them. Well, I realize hate is a strong word, but you're supposed to be angry and not really like them a whole lot. Why can't I hate? Why do I hold on? It's been years and years and it almost seems like it will never go away. No matter how hard I try months and months of trying and a night like tonight it all just rushes back. I don't understand. This is all just wack. I didn't even know how much I didn't want to have this feeling ever again. LOVE. Love is powerful and true love, it will never go away. No matter how hard you try no matter how often it seems so far away. There's always going to be a moment you are caught off guard (mine was today). But, emotions can be controlled (as my roommate says, just get mad at them and get over it!).I don't know how to get rid of it, but I will try day after day to make it leave. I choose happiness and hopefully soon I'll choose to go to bed :]

Why I decided to choose happiness

I can't believe I'm actually posting this post... I've been sort of working on it on and off for awhile. Trying to decide which parts of my story were too personal and which parts were not. Deciding what to leave out and what to put in. When to be specific and when not to.. but here it is this is when I started to choose happiness and why, it has quite a bit of a back story.

I'm getting close to the year mark of starting this blog. It's marvelous to see the changes in me and the changes in my general life the past year. Starting college and leaving home to go to school 1000 miles away was a huge life decision. It was never really a question whether I would go or not, but at the time when I was supposed to leave I was dating a guy named Zac. [This is him and I]

We had been together for a little longer than 3 months around the time I needed to leave for school. I really wanted to stay in Nebraska so that I could be with him. We just seemed so happy. I guess I just realized I hadn't realized what true happiness was at the time. Well, basically we pulled an all nighter the night before I left and we said our goodbyes. I cried a lot that day and for many days after. Once I got to school we talked all the time and skyped, but it just wasn't the same. Our relationship was really based on us being together just about all the time. We sort of mastered the whole hanging out thing. Well, after a few weeks it seemed to hurt more and more being apart. I didn't want to do anything, I didn't want to go to class, do homework, go to church, or even go out and try to meet new friends. I loved this boy of course this was difficult. At the time I just didn't realize what was really going on. Well, not even a month after me being in Idaho Zac and I broke up. It was so difficult. I can't decide what was so difficult about it. It could have been the fact that as sad as it is, he was the longest boyfriend I'd ever had, it could have been we were so great together, or it could have been because I just never expected to fall in love. You see before Zac there was another boy. He stole my heart for 6 years. Not knowingly, but he stole those years from me. His name was Palmer. I don't know yet if I want to have his picture on here or not I will see. As you can see I've decided to put some up. 

The quote on the side is actually from a song he wrote about me. I'm going to post an audio of the other song he wrote for me. It's him singing it.

The song was called a Fairy Tale reality he actually had me choose the title before I even knew what I was choosing. He changed the name because we haven't had contact in over a year and a half to Gently.

But, basically practically when I met Palmer I started to like him. I was only in seventh or eighth grade, so I was exploring guys and things I suppose. So, I ended up hopping from guy to guy just about all the way through high school. Breaking guys hearts or getting hurt myself because of my own stupid mistakes. But, every time I would be with a guy I would get a few weeks in and realize all I really wanted was Palmer. I knew I would never have him so realizing what I wanted most of the time made things even worse. But, I still continued to cause heartbreak after heartbreak. It wasn't easy though, because as I would break someone's heart, mine would ache for them and it would also again desire (I totally sound like a creep I promise I wasn't!)  Palmer. I feel like the more guys I dated the more I wanted Palmer. It was like this disease that wouldn't go away. Finally, my senior year of high school came along and somehow Palmer and I become amazing friends while I was dating someone else (because I was always dating someone else when guys came into my life anyway). I realized that if I couldn't be with Palmer I could at least handle a friendship, especially since I was with this other guy. Our friendship soon got to be so close I broke up with my boyfriend and as I left his house I called Palmer telling him the news(because he was my best friend at the time, not because I broke up with my boyfriend for him because that's definitely not what happened!). He seemed too happy that I wasn't dating him anymore, but I completely ignored it since it had happened so many other times with him I couldn't just continue to get my hopes up and continuously get shut down. That just doesn't work. So, a couple months later I get a few texts from Palmer quite early in the morning on a day I was out of school. He just said that he had to tell me something he couldn't handle anymore. He basically confessed his feelings for me and was really hoping I felt the same way, but he couldn't just sit around pretending we were just friends when he viewed me as so much more.  If you can only imagine my emotion. I was beyond ecstatic. The things I had dreamt about for years were coming to pass! Palmer just told me he liked me. So, basically I told him the way I felt and things escalated from there. But, they also went down a few times. There were so many things that were ups and downs. It was never perfect, although I honestly believed it was no matter what was actually going on. But, we finally started dating without his parents knowing. But a little over a month of us being official my brother told him he needed to tell his parents or he wasn't helping him with something for me. So, basically that morning Palmer told me he wouldn't take no for an answer and that he loved me. I truly loved this boy and I trusted him with more than my life. So, of course I believed it. Well, less than 12 hours later we were through. I couldn't even describe the emotion that night brought to me. My dream man who I had been with was no more. He was not mine any longer. Drama continued from there and got worse and worse. Zac had been in my life since the beginning of that year and I really only viewed him as a friend. We had gone to prom together and had gotten a little bit closer as friends. About a month after Palmer and I broke up we began dating. This was the huge issue Palmer had. He did a lot of things I wish he hadn't. (but I guarantee he doesn't feel that way about them) I also did a few things I wish I could take back. But, I can't.

The whole reason for telling that back story is because Zac had sort of covered up all the pain of the situation that I hadn't really ever gotten a chance to feel better about it or get over it. It was this thing that was even better that came up at the greatest time for me. So, not only was I hurt that Zac and I broke up, more pain from Palmer and I's friendship withering away all wrapped into a huge emotional load that was on top of being away from home for the first time, starting college, and being in a completely new environment. It was a disaster zone! I was completely falling apart. One day I was just sitting around and writing. I got sick of writing, so I started typing because for me it's much less effort to type than it is to write. I was typing and I wasn't just typing my emotions it ended up being really more of a piece of writing. I love to write, it's sort of my secret passion. For some odd reason that same night I was realizing how therapeutic it really was to just write down how I felt. Also, I had just recently gone to a relaxation seminar so I was motivated to keep myself happy. So, things just kind of came together and I started the blog. At just about the same time I started the blog I decided I was choosing to be happy! Because being miserable is worthless and a waste of time. It really just somehow clicked. I need to be happy. I was also doing a lot of praying and fasting before this epiphany sort of came. I couldn't really easily figure out what was truly going on in my life, so I didn't. But, I was filled with the spirit and knew happiness was the way to go. I'm not going to say everything has been perfect and I've been great at making that decision, because I surely HAVE NOT! Making that decision was one of the hardest things I had to do. What makes it so difficult is that I have to decide it many times a day. Whenever I'm running late to class, I can't choose stress I need to choose happiness. Or, whenever I am mad at someone who did something that didn't make any sense to me I have to choose happiness over anger. It's not an easy task at all! But, that's why I work on it each day. I write on here when I'm successful at choosing happiness. It helps to know that I need to continue to choose happiness so I can write about it! :] But, this is the original story of why I choose happiness :] I was asked to tell this story which is why it's up in a few weeks I'll make it into a page :]
                     
                 I CHOOSE HAPPINESS

The moment

The moment you realize that everything has really changed. The moment you realize you had been living in a different world for a long time. The things that you saw were not what was really going on. You were reading into a lot of things. You were hoping that things were different so you saw them that way. Then, you saw everything in the light it really was. Everything began to make more sense. Things that were there before that you were imagining are there no longer. For obvious reasons, you were imagining them. You see the way that people have changed. It didn't seem real until that moment. But, in that very moment it was all different. Every little thing you wanted to see become a reality wasn't getting to that point. Reality slipping away because of the life you had was always in your head. The life you were living wasn't really the life you were living. Things around you were things you saw in a different light. The worst part is you didn't even realize until that moment. At that moment things became reality. You realized you were thinking differently than everyone else. Things were twisted, things were wrong. At that moment you realized you were waiting around for nothing. But, the worst part is until that moment you didn't even realize that you were waiting at all. You were wasting your life blindly. Completely blind. But, now that the moment has past you can move on. Move on to bigger and better things. Things that will focus much much more on you than anything else. You will choose the right life all because of that moment. I choose happiness. It's really hard after certain moments, but I choose happiness today. Even though things aren't good. I will make them good. Happiness is a choice! Even though I have to force that decision today I am happy. 

Dreams

AH! I had a crazy dream last night! I haven't remembered a dream in awhile. But, it really just stuck out to me. It was kind of crazy... It made me start thinking a lot about dreams though. I'm trying to decide what the heck to think about it. But, before I talk about the dream I think there's a background story that needs to be heard haha. So, basically there is this guy who is a friend of one of my friends. I don't know his name or anything, but we've been at a few of the same places together and just around each other. But, basically this guy is a red head and the first time I tried talking to him he completely ignored me. Like literally he looked right at me as I was speaking and he made it seem like I was a wall and he turned his head to talk to whoever he was talking to before. It was kind of ridiculous. I seriously thought I was a wall. This was the beginning of last semester, but I was completely confused. Then, just last week I ran into this guy again because I was with the same mutual friend and he walked up. I didn't say very much to him and it wasn't very important, but the exact same thing happened. He looked me square in the face, paused, then continued what he was doing or talking about. It was kind of crazy. I've determined it's because he was a red head. Since that same day a random red head did a similar thing. So, about the dream. I have a really good friend who is on a mission in Argentina who faithfully writes me weekly and has been the whole 6 months he's been out. He's great. But, I was able to email him back and forth yesterday because we were both conveniently online at the same time. It was fantastic. Anyway so basically he was on my mind when I went to bed last night, just a little bit. So, I dreamt he was home from his mission. It wasn't a big deal or anything. But, he showed up to hang out with me (or so I thought). Then,  I started asking him how tall he was for some reason because I wasn't able to give him a hug quite yet, he hadn't let me. But, I was trying to get his attention.(Oh yeah, and by the way he is a red head.) But, he wouldn't listen to a single thing I was trying to say to him. I was getting really frustrated... then I woke up. I know so anticlimactic huh? Oh, well that's how my life has been lately anyway. My life has been quite boring. Filled with lots of anticlimactic moments and boring days. I've been doing a lot of boring studying and working on homework. I've been doing a little better in classes though :] so that's always a plus! But, life is still good. When people ask me how I am. I will say, I AM HAPPY! :] because I am happy! :D I choose happiness! Oh and by the way I'm in love with this song! It has nothing to do with dreams, but I love it!

The Lazy Man Iron Man

I am SO excited! Yesterday I started what's called the Lazy Man Iron man! It's pretty much amazing! :D what it's all about is doing the iron man race over the course of a month (hence the lazy man part). So, until November 23rd I'm trying to run 26 miles, bike 112 miles, and swim 2.7 miles. A few of my roommates are doing it as well so we're all each others' support! :] It's so exciting! I've already started knocking a few miles off the biking and running these past few days! Also in addition to the lazy man we're all going on diets. Not anything way intense we're just all trying to eat healthier! I've felt a lot better! It's just a bummer I've been sick for a few days because I haven't had as much energy, but it's kind of crazy how exercise and eating right can really help a cold! It's kind of amazing what our bodies can do for themselves. I'm so happy when I'm being healthy and exercising! It's the greatest! This is kind of random to post, yet hilarious. This is my brother and I in 2009 doing a synchronized swimming routine (although we weren't very synchronized). I can't NOT choose to be happy when I'm helping my body! So, I CHOOSE HAPPINESS!!! :D

Masquerade

 This is going to be a random post, mostly because it's been WAY too long since I've blogged.. I've sort of been working on my incredibly long story on why I started this blog, but it's such a long story that it's too ridiculous. But, these are pictures from the masquerade ball that I went to last weekend. I loved it! I got to go with one of my best friends Mark!!! :D He made it amazing! He made an amazing dinner and we went to the dance. We had a blast! We made the most out of the night even though we spent way too long in line for a picture that didn't even turn out well. Psh. the lighting was awful! I was very unimpressed.

Well, I surely choose to be happy, lots that has to do with this guy next to me :D HE'S PRETTY AMAZING! 

College life is crazy, college is stressful. 

Choosing to be Happy isn't always that simple

The past few days I've really really really wanted to blog. But, I haven't really been choosing to be happy. I can't write on my blog about choosing happiness if that's not actually what i'm doing! That makes NO sense!!  Well, I started this blog post last week. At that time I was still obviously trying to choose happiness. It was very difficult. CHANGE that's why I couldn't choose it. CHANGE IS stinking HARD! So, basically last week was really difficult for me. I had someone in my life I was (thought I was) close to. I thought things were completely different than they were for months. I feel like a complete idiot. But, it is completely my fault. There is nothing I can blame on this person. I was the problem, everything I did was wrong. I'm sure I'm too much. Also I'm sure being around a person like me I'm sure is very difficult. I can't seem to choose a personality. I can't decide who I am anymore. Things about me bug even me myself. I try to be someone who I think I am and it just never works out. That's kind of what I've been determining this past week. WHO AM I? I've come up with multiple answers. 
1. I am a child of God. We all have a Heavenly Father who created us and I am his child as well as are you.
2. I am a woman, a woman with divine internal qualities (that I haven't really tapped into yet, sorry... I told you I was working on it) 
3. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (Meaning I am a mormon, yes... soon I will do my mormon.org profile) 
4. I am a daughter, my parents are the greatest and have done so much for me as I grew up in their home. They taught me so many important things and  they have been there for me my whole life. Recently in these past few months of my life they have done so many things for me it's really just insane. I love them so much. 
5. I am a sister. I have 2 brothers and a sister. They are all older than me and protect me so well. I'm lucky to be the youngest and have all of their life experiences to learn from as well as my own. They are the greatest siblings in the entire world and I wouldn't know what to do if I wasn't honored enough to call them my siblings. 
6. I am an aunt. Since I was 8 years old over these years I've been adding to my tallies of nephews and nieces. Today I was made an aunt one more time :] I have a new nephew Logan Wilson Pryor. He looks amazing. Even though I'm not there to see him right now I know he is loved and all is well. I love all my nephews (4) and neices (3). They bring me so much joy. 
7. I am a CNA. That's my current occupation I suppose. People think I'm absolutely insane, but that's because they don't understand. (Not that I understand, but still) Being a CNA gives me a sense of satisfaction. Helping those who can't help themselves fills me with an indescribable joy. I love the people I take care of. I am blessed to be a part of their lives. 
8. I am a pianist. Well, I actually wouldn't say I'm a "pianist", but I do play the piano. I love it. It's one of the biggest stress relievers. I love how free I feel when I play. I feel like I am the person I am supposed to be at that point, if only I could feel that way all the time.
9. I am a runner. I love running, it's almost as satisfying as playing the piano. But, it's really not quite that satisfying. I love running in races and that feeling of satisfaction after finishing a race after all the hard work.

The rest is I guess what I really need to figure out. Lots of prayer, fasting, pondering, and trips to the temple are to come. Sometimes life can be super hard to figure out. Trying to decide how to react to certain situations, it's so easy just to not say anything specifically to say, complain to others about how "awful" life is, and just let everything good slip out of your life. I started that way, but as hard as it is to be happy it is SO worth it! I've already reaped the affects of that attitude. It's so wonderful just being happy!  I do love life though. I've still had a grand time with catching up with friends I've slightly neglected (I'm sorry, I'm terrible) and meeting lots of new people. I really don't think I've met more people in a single week. I am finally choosing to be happy again and I'm so glad I can finally blog about how happy I am again. :] CHOOSE HAPPINESS. There's really no other logical way to go through life!

Things I love about Rexburg

WE HAVE A TACO BUS!!!!!!!!!!! :D 

YOU CAN RENT TANDEM BIKES FROM BYU-IDAHO!

If you do your hair it doesn't flat out or frizz out by the end of the day because it's so dry! :D 

THERE ARE GREAT PLACES TO TAKE ROOMMATE PICTURES!!! 

THERE ARE ICE CAVES :D 

YOU CAN LEGALLY RIDE IN THE BACK OF TRUCKS!

YOU CAN CLIMB A VOLCANO! ("R" MOUNTAIN)

THERE'S A CAROUSAL IN PORTER PARK! OPEN DURING THE SUMMER!

PEOPLE HAVE POTATO PARTIES! AND LIKE ME YOU CAN GO TO A POTATO PARTY THEN GO TO THE HART AND DO ZUMBA! (yes, that's what I did the day this picture was taken!)

THE PEOPLE AROUND HERE ARE KIND OF AMAZING! :]

AWESOME ROOMMATES! WE COULD SLEEP IN THE LIVING ROOM AND STAY THERE ALL DAY WATCHING 8 MOVIES!

THE SAND DUNES! ENOUGH SAID!

THE CREW. GOOD COMPANY :D 

 I CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY!!! I'M DEFINITELY LOVING REXBURG RIGHT NOW!!! :D

Achieving Goals

Making Goals with each other helps with achieving your goals. 

I decided to start running again during the 7 week break in Nebraska and I really want to lose some of this extra weight I've gained since leaving Nebraska. So, I asked my niece if she would enjoy running a kids mile on the same day as I ran a 5k. Of course she thought it was a great idea! So, she and I would run together a bit, but I did a lot of training on my own as well. We were a great support team! We had a blast training together!

The day of the race we both did it! Brianna (my niece) ran the whole way without walking and I achieved my 3 goals: don't walk, beat people, and get under 36 min. It was a great day especially with how our morning was going and the beginning of both of our races that was a bit rough.

I just love this one, I really achieved my goal. On record I got 31:51, but that's not a huge difference. All I cared about was the under 36 min part! I even felt like I had a little bit more in me! It was marvelous!! ;D Achieving your goals is the most amazing thing ever! I loved everything about it!! :] I hope my goals keep coming out like this one, next step with running goals. Be able to run the temple to temple relay! That's going to be September 24th! I'm pretty stoked!



IT'S SO EASY TO BE HAPPY WHEN YOU'RE EXERCISING WELL AND ACHIEVING YOUR GOALS! I CHOOSE HAPPINESS!

Tribute To The Past

 E.F.Y.

Especially For Youth

 This was the greatest week of my life, still to this day I think. I just had so many amazing experiences there! It was so amazing. I learned so much about myself and my true testimony. My life has been changed for the better because of this week. I met some amazing people that week as well who still help me today! :D

 My brother came and I was beyond glad he came! We had a blast driving down together and spending time with each other throughout the week!

Derek was in my group and somehow we just clicked right away! :] That summer I went to worlds of fun with him and last year I went down to where he's from which also happened to be where EFY was (Columbia, MO) for a weekend before he left for his mission in Germany. I like to say we were pretty good friends, but obviously I can't speak for him. He really means a lot to me even though I haven't heard from him in quite some time. It's okay, he's focusing on his mission which is exactly what he needs to be doing. But, I'm sure I've done something wrong along the way with my letters while he's been out. His birthday was last Monday, so I've been thinking about him quite a bit. It's kind of nuts to think he's almost been gone for a year and now he's 20! But, I'm sure he's doing well. He's in the Lord's hands and I'm sure he's being taken care of. Wow, I just rambled way too much but he's great. 

I had the best group EVER. And yes, I'm sure every group says that about there group, but my group really was the best. 

But, truthfully I had the greatest guys in my group. Mostly Derek and Nick though :] I never kept in contact with Nick (I'm not even positive if that's how his name is spelled... it's been two years...) though, such a shame, but I've survived. 

Jacob (the red head) I met either Wednesday or Thursday during the week. So, I didn't really get a whole lot of time to get to know him. But, just this year mostly somehow we reconnected and started talking quite a bit. He's on his mission right now and we keep in touch great. His letters are really uplifting. I love reading them. He's only been out for less than six months, but I've seen a marvelous change in him! I MISS EFY 

Everything happens for a reason

I choose to be happy :]

Missionary Letters

                                        

Oh boy, missionary letters. I could go on for HOURS about this I guarantee. Writing missionaries is a recent hobby of mine. All the missionaries I write are very faithful writers and send great spiritually uplifting letters. I can only hope mine are the same, or at least close to the same. I know a lot of my life isn't necessarily spiritual like theirs (it's not supposed to be even close to theirs anyway) is so it's a lot more difficult to do that for them. But, getting letters sure does just brighten my day! :D I love every second! But, this week I got the longest letter I've EVER GOTTEN, EVER!!! haha. It was quite intense. It was 14 pages long, front and back. There was quite a bit to read! haha. But, it really made me think about what I was doing writing these missionaries. I definitely think that I'm giving them the wrong ideas. But, I'm going to have to fix that soon enough. We'll see what happens. I want to give the right idea and make sure we're on the same page. It's been running through my head like crazy this week since I got it! NUTS! But, it's good I need something else to run through my head besides IDAHO. I've been thinking about Idaho way too much!! I need to focus on where I am and what I'm doing here in Nebraska. That's just been a little difficult. But, that's alright. I'm working on it. [jumping the gun, sheesh. what the heck am I going to do with myself!] Well, just because I've been thinking too much doesn't mean I'm not incredibly happy. Because I sure am extremely happy! Because I choose happiness of course!!

Just too cute!

This might be one of the cutest videos! :]




Tom and Joyce are my favorite! A ladle full of love everyday... so AWESOME!! :D This kind of stuff just makes me smile. :] I love it. I love Elder Scott, what he did for his wife was absolutely adorable. Guys like that are worth it, worth anything. Things like this really help me choose to be happy!! :]

Motivation

I know I've already posted today, but I had some time to think while I was on a bike ride with my brother today. I was absolutely dying while I was riding. I'm beyond out of shape right now and yet I want to do all these things that are athletic. I'm ridiculous to think that I can do things when I haven't been exercising regularly or even at all. So, while I was struggling to make the 4 or 5 mile bike ride and keep up with my brother I started to think. What would help me to go faster, do better. Maybe the option of getting rid of my little extra weight on me? Getting home and going to my bed and just being able to rest? Catching up to my brother who kept having to stop and wait for me? Getting ready to actually achieve my goals? Nope. I couldn't do it, I couldn't get deep enough in my brain to find any motivation. I kept thinking I can't do this. I just can't. It was horrible. Because obviously I could do it! I did, I'm here I made it through. But, what could I have done to have done it all a little better? Or to have been okay with it while I was out in the heat? I needed better MOTIVATION. I couldn't wait for it to be over, but that's usual. I think so many people can agree doing something that's difficult for your body to do it's really hard to overpower your mind over your body. It's such a huge deal. As my old track and cross country coach used to drill into our heads, "don't be a mental midget." A mental midget is what I definitely was today. I couldn't find a way for my mind to over power my body. I couldn't find a good way to be motivated. But, I'm going to. Tomorrow I'm going to redeem myself I hope. I'm going to dig and find my motivation, I'm not sure what is yet but I'm determined to find it! I kind of know what my goals are. So, I need to find a way to achieve those goals. But, of course before I can get motivated, I need to be happy. So, I choose it! I choose happiness.

Mixed emotions

Being home is such a shock in a way. I don't know what to do with myself. But, at the same time I love it. But, there's so much I miss about Idaho. I don't know what to do really. I don't want to move in because I feel like I'll be leaving so soon that it doesn't even matter. I want to know what's going ot happen in the near future. I would love to know what this fall will really mean for me, but I have absolutely no idea! I miss my younger years where decisions I made didn't really affect the rest of my life. But, that's okay because at the same time when I miss it I'm really excited for the big decisions. Sometimes I just wish I knew what to decide. Nursing, special education, recreation, what the heck am I going to major in? I guess sooner or later I'll figure that one out. These 7ish weeks (well 6ish now) will be great for decision making. I have much more time to myself.  A lot of time to think, lots of quiet time I don't know what to do with. But, for now I'm choosing to be happy. Because honestly I don't have anything not to be happy about really. Now, I'm heading out for a bike ride with my brother :D It'll be great to get out into the humidity and sweat ridiculous amounts and get some exercise. I love being happy :]

Chick-Fil-A Obsession

So, my Chick-Fil-A obsession has reached their website! They accepted my story!!! :D SOOO COOL!!! Here's the Link I already have 240 views!! :] CHICK-FIL-A love <3 I choose to be happy!!

Jumping the Gun

This phrase has always been different to me. I just looked it up and this is what I came up with... to do something too soon, especially without thinking carefully about it. If someone running in a race jumps the gun, they start running before the gun has been fired to start the race.  I'm always jumping the gun. I think SO far into the future that I don't think about the HERE and the NOW. I think being a member of the LDS church I feel like we're supposed to look to our futures. Think about our future families, what we're going to do, how we're going to do that. I think I always look to the future. I'll look at something, like for instance, I'll be in a store and I'll see something as simple as a frame and I'll just think... I want that in my house someday. Or, I'll see something like pots and pans.... I'll picture cooking in the kitchen for my husband. And this really makes it sound like all I'm thinking about is marriage. But, no that's not the only thing I'm doing. Yes, I live in Rexburg Idaho and yes, this campus is filled with couples. Yes, they are married couples a lot of the time. Yes, there are professors that have asked about the dates that occurred over the weekend or how people's boyfriends/girlfriends are doing. 
So, can you really blame me for having marriage in the somewhat front of my head?? [maybe you can.. it's probably just me, who knows how many others feel that way around here.] Anyway, I have many other things I jump the gun on. Something as simple as freaking myself out for a weekend, or a big event. I just psych myself out so easily. I don't think it's a bad thing as LDS members to be so future oriented, I actually think that's wonderful, just lately I think I've been taking it too far. I've been living with the attitude of, "everything will work out in the end" when to be honest I don't know that it will. Especially with my classes currently, I haven't been putting fourth my full effort. It's no good! I've been so focused on.. what if this, or this happens. When will I do something more? I just need to focus on today and maybe tomorrow. Today I study for finals, tomorrow I do the same, I try my hardest to try to recover from all the screw ups I made. 


Right now I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to do when I go to Nebraska. I have absolutely NO IDEA. I want to know what's going to happen in the next few months! SEE JUMPING THE GUN! Even right here, while I'm rambling on my blog. What a crazy person I am! But, it's okay I'm not freaking out as much as I'm making it seem. Because I am definitely choosing to be happy :D  

Summer summer summer

I miss my SUMMER!!!! I don't even really think I remember what it was really like to be just hanging out in the summer. I miss my summer job at papillion recreation (this picture is from last summer at the job). I miss the kids! I've sort of been thinking that I really just want to work with kids in some way. More than a lot lately. I love kids! It's just really always been a fact of life and I want to go to school for something with children. I used to want to be a pediatrition, then a pediatric nurse. Then, now as I'm actually in school preparing to be a nurse, I'm just unsure if I can even hack it. I think I really want to do something in recreation. I love being outside! It's one of my favorite things! I think I just need to switch majors to that, I'm really serious. I think that would make me so happy. Doing something where kids are in my life daily. I mean when I know I'm not getting married any time soon, I won't be able to have my own kids for awhile, so I would love to do something with other people's children. I just need to figure out my life in some way. It's just too bad that I had to wait until almost my second year of school to decide that I want to do something else completely different. I won't even really be able to do anything about it until sooner... But as for right now I'm most definitely choosing to be happy :]

So remember when I said I was going to change?

Yeah... about that whole changing dealio... it hasn't really happened nor will it ever happen. But, I am going to be doing a whole lot more blogging. I think my goal is once a week. Making a goal and writing it down make it easier to achieve! So... SOON!!! :D But.. I am going to be using lots more pictures!! :D Here's a recent one edited.. so.. OF COURSE I'm happy! I'm blogging again! :D today I choose to be happy!

[oh.. and just because I'm uploading and all doesn't change that I'm still primarily using this blog for myself... as you can see... I don't have any followers... there's a reason for that ;)]

IT NEVER ENDS

STRESS STRESS STRESS It's very upsetting to try your hardest and do absolutely horrible at something. I've felt that way all semester about school. I feel like the more I try, the worse I do. I know how much sense that makes.. absolutely ZERO But, to top off my horrible grades and complicated life. I got a letter from one of my best friends who is on a mission yesterday. He said a lot of things that made me think. ='( I cried a bit. But, that's okay it's life. I'm taking it as an opportunity to improve my life. He told me that he thinks I'm having too much fun. Can you even have too much fun? I really didn't even think that was possible! BLECK. I'll just hope for improvements in myself. Devotional yesterday at BYU-IDAHO definitely helped a lot to get me to think about what I needed to change. Even though this was before I knew about the letter. PRAYER PRAYER PRAYER. It's the answer to everything in my life.

I CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY!!!!! :D           :D             :D            

Confusion

BOYS BOYS BOYS. It's always about boys isn't it?! UGH! They are crazy crazy crazy... Speaking of crazy, I may be pretty borderline crazy with what I did to David Archuleta. Well, not him exactly.. just what I did that has to do with him. Here's the link to my crazy adventure with THE CREW. I love the crew the crew consists of my best friends! Marissa, Kristina, and Shaela! I love us together SOOOO much!! Our story about David.
Anyway.. after a wonderful distraction... Why do guys always have to be so darn confusing?! Is it beneficial to be confusing for themselves? Do they get more out of it because they don't have to commit and they can also get away without committing, they can know that girls will wait around. Sometimes even like little puppies.Well, I guess in this case I'm probably only speaking for myself. [Not that this boy is holding me on a string or anything... he doesn't know I like him, he just thinks we're friends... not his fault.]
All I know is I have a boy I've had a mini crush on for weeks. When I find a day when I think he's interested, the day after that he's a rock. Yes, a darn rock! Ridiculously hard to read! I want to just get to know him a little better than I already do, even though we hang out so much already. I just don't know how he doesn't see that I like him. Bleh. This is plenty of the story for now I believe..

But, it's okay because even in my stress.. I choose to be happy and I absolutely love being happy!! :]

I'm going to change

So.. I've decided to slightly alter the way I'm blogging. I still choose to be happy, but now it's going to be a lot about what I'm grateful for. What the good things are. Less focus on the negative. I end up choosing to be happy anyway.. so I really just need to focus on the positive. So, today.. 
1. I got two wow! photography comments on surveys people took online that had photo sessions with me! :D they loved me SOOOO MUCH!


2. I have two great paying jobs and all my managers and supervisors at both of them really like me and appreciate me. 


3. I have a loving family helping me through any and all of my struggles especially these past few months that have been really rough. They've really sadly been the only ones there for me.


I choose to be happy :D

Dieting

Dieting is the most RIDICULOUS thing in the entire world! It's totally not worth the work! I've been trying to lose weight forever.. Well, actually I've only actually been putting forth an effort for about a month. Meaning... I joined a gym, started buying healthy food, I have a food log... the whole shebang. Obviously, I'm not seeing results yet, it's only been a little while. But, honestly I'm not sure how long I can do this. I know it would be a good thing if I could keep it up for the rest of my life. I'm sure I'd be a heck of a lot healthier... but I just don't think I can do it! It's kind of frustrating, but I'm most definitely working on it and I'm being very active. VERY ACTIVE. Trust me. And being active is keeping me happy. Today I choose happiness.

Random Poetry

This is a nerve racking experience, not that anyone actually READS my blog, but I have a few things I've written on my phone. I know that sounds pathetic, but it's like one of those things you were in a moment, and I wrote it right then and there. They don't make sense and are kind of ridiculous.

I try not to think,

But all I do is blink,

To try to hide the tears,

That make me want to shrink,

I try to be all cheers,

But the feelings I have for you,

Make me want to say I love you.

But, not any day soon.

It's just a possibility 

I wish I was your priority,

The sooner I realize I'm not, 

I'll be out of this spot.

Leaving you is the hardest thing I have ever done. 

I came back to see the Nebraska sun. 

I saw you there, you were in shock,

We went for a spin around the block,

For a second I felt like you still cared, 

But you never would have shared. 

I miss you.

I want to be with you. 

I love you.
You're the person, 

That I believe could be with me,

So I don't begin to worsen,

Please come back and be mine.

I miss the butterflies,

I miss the cries,

Even the lies,

That brought us to our goodbyes.

Yeah, I'm single.

But all I can think about is how much I still love you.

It really makes me tingle,

All I want to hear from you is "I still love you too."

I hate that I had to go,

I really have nothing to show,

For all the happiness you brought to me,

Just memories that will always be.

YEAH see, cheesy stuff. I need a whole lot of WORK. But writing these are what help me choose to be happy ;D

Missing the Past

This past year I've changed so much it's absolutely ridiculous. I can't even remember the way things used to be. I guess I mean my life has changed, not so much me. Meaning, at this time last year is a complete 180. I don't even SPEAK to half of the people I was friends with a year ago, I don't think that's normal. I've actually come to the conclusion that there's something wrong with me. I mean I'll overcome it whatever it is but I need to figure it out. At this time last year I was going to school and working part time, only like 16 hours a week. Now, I'm working 2 jobs working on average 60 hours a week, barely having any time for myself and hanging out with people 5-8 years older than me. It's definitely NOT how I pictured my "winter break" from school at BYU-Idaho... oh by BYU-Idaho. What a peculiar place. But, anyway I've been thinking about that lately, and I'm mostly trying to decide if I would have rather had last year be the way it was or change it, and I know that I would change A LOT about 2010 if I could. But, obviously now, it is much too late and I need to suck it up and move on. 2011 has been a start I cut my hair and gave it to locks of love. Possibly symbolizing a new me. I'm working on the new me, she doesn't really understand where she's going or what she's doing she is just taking it one day at a time for now. But, I CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY. And I'm pretty sure if I didn't choose it, I wouldn't be happy.