I can't believe I'm actually posting this post... I've been sort of working on it on and off for awhile. Trying to decide which parts of my story were too personal and which parts were not. Deciding what to leave out and what to put in. When to be specific and when not to.. but here it is this is when I started to choose happiness and why, it has quite a bit of a back story.
I'm getting close to the year mark of starting this blog. It's marvelous to see the changes in me and the changes in my general life the past year. Starting college and leaving home to go to school 1000 miles away was a huge life decision. It was never really a question whether I would go or not, but at the time when I was supposed to leave I was dating a guy named Zac. [This is him and I]
The quote on the side is actually from a song he wrote about me. I'm going to post an audio of the other song he wrote for me. It's him singing it.
The song was called a Fairy Tale reality he actually had me choose the title before I even knew what I was choosing. He changed the name because we haven't had contact in over a year and a half to Gently.
But, basically practically when I met Palmer I started to like him. I was only in seventh or eighth grade, so I was exploring guys and things I suppose. So, I ended up hopping from guy to guy just about all the way through high school. Breaking guys hearts or getting hurt myself because of my own stupid mistakes. But, every time I would be with a guy I would get a few weeks in and realize all I really wanted was Palmer. I knew I would never have him so realizing what I wanted most of the time made things even worse. But, I still continued to cause heartbreak after heartbreak. It wasn't easy though, because as I would break someone's heart, mine would ache for them and it would also again desire (I totally sound like a creep I promise I wasn't!) Palmer. I feel like the more guys I dated the more I wanted Palmer. It was like this disease that wouldn't go away. Finally, my senior year of high school came along and somehow Palmer and I become amazing friends while I was dating someone else (because I was always dating someone else when guys came into my life anyway). I realized that if I couldn't be with Palmer I could at least handle a friendship, especially since I was with this other guy. Our friendship soon got to be so close I broke up with my boyfriend and as I left his house I called Palmer telling him the news(because he was my best friend at the time, not because I broke up with my boyfriend for him because that's definitely not what happened!). He seemed too happy that I wasn't dating him anymore, but I completely ignored it since it had happened so many other times with him I couldn't just continue to get my hopes up and continuously get shut down. That just doesn't work. So, a couple months later I get a few texts from Palmer quite early in the morning on a day I was out of school. He just said that he had to tell me something he couldn't handle anymore. He basically confessed his feelings for me and was really hoping I felt the same way, but he couldn't just sit around pretending we were just friends when he viewed me as so much more. If you can only imagine my emotion. I was beyond ecstatic. The things I had dreamt about for years were coming to pass! Palmer just told me he liked me. So, basically I told him the way I felt and things escalated from there. But, they also went down a few times. There were so many things that were ups and downs. It was never perfect, although I honestly believed it was no matter what was actually going on. But, we finally started dating without his parents knowing. But a little over a month of us being official my brother told him he needed to tell his parents or he wasn't helping him with something for me. So, basically that morning Palmer told me he wouldn't take no for an answer and that he loved me. I truly loved this boy and I trusted him with more than my life. So, of course I believed it. Well, less than 12 hours later we were through. I couldn't even describe the emotion that night brought to me. My dream man who I had been with was no more. He was not mine any longer. Drama continued from there and got worse and worse. Zac had been in my life since the beginning of that year and I really only viewed him as a friend. We had gone to prom together and had gotten a little bit closer as friends. About a month after Palmer and I broke up we began dating. This was the huge issue Palmer had. He did a lot of things I wish he hadn't. (but I guarantee he doesn't feel that way about them) I also did a few things I wish I could take back. But, I can't.
The whole reason for telling that back story is because Zac had sort of covered up all the pain of the situation that I hadn't really ever gotten a chance to feel better about it or get over it. It was this thing that was even better that came up at the greatest time for me. So, not only was I hurt that Zac and I broke up, more pain from Palmer and I's friendship withering away all wrapped into a huge emotional load that was on top of being away from home for the first time, starting college, and being in a completely new environment. It was a disaster zone! I was completely falling apart. One day I was just sitting around and writing. I got sick of writing, so I started typing because for me it's much less effort to type than it is to write. I was typing and I wasn't just typing my emotions it ended up being really more of a piece of writing. I love to write, it's sort of my secret passion. For some odd reason that same night I was realizing how therapeutic it really was to just write down how I felt. Also, I had just recently gone to a relaxation seminar so I was motivated to keep myself happy. So, things just kind of came together and I started the blog. At just about the same time I started the blog I decided I was choosing to be happy! Because being miserable is worthless and a waste of time. It really just somehow clicked. I need to be happy. I was also doing a lot of praying and fasting before this epiphany sort of came. I couldn't really easily figure out what was truly going on in my life, so I didn't. But, I was filled with the spirit and knew happiness was the way to go. I'm not going to say everything has been perfect and I've been great at making that decision, because I surely HAVE NOT! Making that decision was one of the hardest things I had to do. What makes it so difficult is that I have to decide it many times a day. Whenever I'm running late to class, I can't choose stress I need to choose happiness. Or, whenever I am mad at someone who did something that didn't make any sense to me I have to choose happiness over anger. It's not an easy task at all! But, that's why I work on it each day. I write on here when I'm successful at choosing happiness. It helps to know that I need to continue to choose happiness so I can write about it! :] But, this is the original story of why I choose happiness :] I was asked to tell this story which is why it's up in a few weeks I'll make it into a page :]
I CHOOSE HAPPINESS
I'm getting close to the year mark of starting this blog. It's marvelous to see the changes in me and the changes in my general life the past year. Starting college and leaving home to go to school 1000 miles away was a huge life decision. It was never really a question whether I would go or not, but at the time when I was supposed to leave I was dating a guy named Zac. [This is him and I]
The song was called a Fairy Tale reality he actually had me choose the title before I even knew what I was choosing. He changed the name because we haven't had contact in over a year and a half to Gently.
But, basically practically when I met Palmer I started to like him. I was only in seventh or eighth grade, so I was exploring guys and things I suppose. So, I ended up hopping from guy to guy just about all the way through high school. Breaking guys hearts or getting hurt myself because of my own stupid mistakes. But, every time I would be with a guy I would get a few weeks in and realize all I really wanted was Palmer. I knew I would never have him so realizing what I wanted most of the time made things even worse. But, I still continued to cause heartbreak after heartbreak. It wasn't easy though, because as I would break someone's heart, mine would ache for them and it would also again desire (I totally sound like a creep I promise I wasn't!) Palmer. I feel like the more guys I dated the more I wanted Palmer. It was like this disease that wouldn't go away. Finally, my senior year of high school came along and somehow Palmer and I become amazing friends while I was dating someone else (because I was always dating someone else when guys came into my life anyway). I realized that if I couldn't be with Palmer I could at least handle a friendship, especially since I was with this other guy. Our friendship soon got to be so close I broke up with my boyfriend and as I left his house I called Palmer telling him the news(because he was my best friend at the time, not because I broke up with my boyfriend for him because that's definitely not what happened!). He seemed too happy that I wasn't dating him anymore, but I completely ignored it since it had happened so many other times with him I couldn't just continue to get my hopes up and continuously get shut down. That just doesn't work. So, a couple months later I get a few texts from Palmer quite early in the morning on a day I was out of school. He just said that he had to tell me something he couldn't handle anymore. He basically confessed his feelings for me and was really hoping I felt the same way, but he couldn't just sit around pretending we were just friends when he viewed me as so much more. If you can only imagine my emotion. I was beyond ecstatic. The things I had dreamt about for years were coming to pass! Palmer just told me he liked me. So, basically I told him the way I felt and things escalated from there. But, they also went down a few times. There were so many things that were ups and downs. It was never perfect, although I honestly believed it was no matter what was actually going on. But, we finally started dating without his parents knowing. But a little over a month of us being official my brother told him he needed to tell his parents or he wasn't helping him with something for me. So, basically that morning Palmer told me he wouldn't take no for an answer and that he loved me. I truly loved this boy and I trusted him with more than my life. So, of course I believed it. Well, less than 12 hours later we were through. I couldn't even describe the emotion that night brought to me. My dream man who I had been with was no more. He was not mine any longer. Drama continued from there and got worse and worse. Zac had been in my life since the beginning of that year and I really only viewed him as a friend. We had gone to prom together and had gotten a little bit closer as friends. About a month after Palmer and I broke up we began dating. This was the huge issue Palmer had. He did a lot of things I wish he hadn't. (but I guarantee he doesn't feel that way about them) I also did a few things I wish I could take back. But, I can't.
The whole reason for telling that back story is because Zac had sort of covered up all the pain of the situation that I hadn't really ever gotten a chance to feel better about it or get over it. It was this thing that was even better that came up at the greatest time for me. So, not only was I hurt that Zac and I broke up, more pain from Palmer and I's friendship withering away all wrapped into a huge emotional load that was on top of being away from home for the first time, starting college, and being in a completely new environment. It was a disaster zone! I was completely falling apart. One day I was just sitting around and writing. I got sick of writing, so I started typing because for me it's much less effort to type than it is to write. I was typing and I wasn't just typing my emotions it ended up being really more of a piece of writing. I love to write, it's sort of my secret passion. For some odd reason that same night I was realizing how therapeutic it really was to just write down how I felt. Also, I had just recently gone to a relaxation seminar so I was motivated to keep myself happy. So, things just kind of came together and I started the blog. At just about the same time I started the blog I decided I was choosing to be happy! Because being miserable is worthless and a waste of time. It really just somehow clicked. I need to be happy. I was also doing a lot of praying and fasting before this epiphany sort of came. I couldn't really easily figure out what was truly going on in my life, so I didn't. But, I was filled with the spirit and knew happiness was the way to go. I'm not going to say everything has been perfect and I've been great at making that decision, because I surely HAVE NOT! Making that decision was one of the hardest things I had to do. What makes it so difficult is that I have to decide it many times a day. Whenever I'm running late to class, I can't choose stress I need to choose happiness. Or, whenever I am mad at someone who did something that didn't make any sense to me I have to choose happiness over anger. It's not an easy task at all! But, that's why I work on it each day. I write on here when I'm successful at choosing happiness. It helps to know that I need to continue to choose happiness so I can write about it! :] But, this is the original story of why I choose happiness :] I was asked to tell this story which is why it's up in a few weeks I'll make it into a page :]
I CHOOSE HAPPINESS
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