Listening to the Spirit

It is so hard to go through our lives making decisions if we have to make them alone. This time in life (meaning early 20's time frame) for me has been so difficult. I am one of the most indecisive people ever. If I had to choose between making a decision and jumping off a bridge. Sometimes I really would jump off the bridge. It is so hard for me to close off options or opportunities that present themselves in my life. Truly, I want to do them all. Right now I have a lot of different decisions that I have to make and each decision has multiple factors. I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going. I'm so afraid of everything that will happen, who it will effect, and especially how it will effect me and my future. But, over the past 24 ish hours I have really realized the importance of listening to the spirit. Making sure I am worthy enough to listen, setting aside time to listen, and providing more opportunities to listen. But, I have to learn patience first. I am doing these things but I am not getting much of anywhere with it. I need to learn patience almost more than I need to learn to make decisions. My fear is that Heavenly Father is going to trust me to make this decision on my own. I understand how important agency is, but I really would just love for Him to tell me exactly what I should do to go along the path that He wants me on. I am willing to take the leap of faith in that direction... If only I knew what that direction was. I know that I will find my answer I just need to search and listen more diligently. It's very hard not to listen to outside influences, but I need to focus on not listening to what others think about it. No one can receive revelation for me except for me. I am seeking and I cannot wait to find my answers in my life. I am so grateful for the Holy Ghost that I have been blessed with. The peace that it brings me is indescribable. Without the Holy Ghost I wouldn't know what was right and what was wrong and even though I am occasionally confused about that...I know that is my listening skills that I am here on earth to perfect. It will take time, but I know Heavenly Father is there listening to my every prayer and my every plea. I choose happiness. :)

Never Love Anyone Fully

This song sort of describes how I am. I haven't "loved anyone fully". Well, I have but that's exactly why I stopped. It's probably dangerous considering the fact that I want to get married! Having one foot on the ground is easy, makes sure I won't be hurt. But, at the same time that's what life is about. It's about GETTING HURT. Life is about hard times. But more importantly it is about getting back to the good after something hard. Standing up and having no worries in the world because you know that you learned something from those hard moments. Then, it always seems that the second you get back up something else has to happen. Someone told me just to take it one day at a time. He was so right. It's important to take everything one day at a time, be happy where you are, and understand that everything will work out in the end. All of this being said. I want to switch gears and take this post into a different direction. My grandma isn't doing well. She has had pnemonia for about a month now and her blood pressure has dropped. She is giving up. She is refusing hospice and she doesn't want to be admitted to the hospital. I couldn't be more upset that I have to work right now. I want to fly out right now. I brought up some ideas, but she is in Idaho and I don't think she will like my ideas. I love her so much. She has influenced me so much. She is a wonderful pianist. Some of these photos are from her 90th birthday in November that I got to spend with her because I was nearby. I am so grateful I was able to be there with her! I transferred her to the piano bench instead of her playing in her wheelchair she got to sit on the bench and she played a lot of pieces from memory. It was wonderful. I'll probably be posting a lot about her for awhile. But, I'm hoping I can see her one more time before she passes. We will see. I love her so much. I choose happiness.

Tears

I've been thinking about crying today. It is such a sign of really strong emotions. It could be good or bad emotions. I really feel like this week and last week should be switched because the break up was almost two weeks ago and it didn't really bother me until we had a follow up chat. So, it's just weird that it's not even the break up that I'm emotional about. ANYWAY Today I had a great day at work until a coworker decided to be ridiculous. But, then I came home , went on a run, talked to my mom for a bit, and I went to the temple. But of course my night started getting stressful when the interstate I needed to be on was closed for something (I'm assuming an accident) so I had to go the long way to get to the temple then I got lost downtown because I'm the worst with directions and I was too stressed to even think about getting my gps. I was freaking out so much that I was talking to myself and crying. I've been crying at the drop of a hat this week so it didn't surprise me. (I'm just an emotional wreck, I'm hoping the tears will all dry up again soon.) But, then I decided to pray that I could make it there, then right away I found the road I needed (which of course I had driven by at least 3 times but without the spirit I didn't recognize it was right). Then, I made it to the temple and everyone else was late because of whatever was going on as well. So, I immediately felt better and the spirit calmed me down. I'm so grateful for the spirit and the peace that the Holy Ghost brings. Anyway I had a lot of questions that I had in mind before the temple. All that I felt the whole time was that I needed to go home, not hang out afterward with friends, and ask for a blessing. So, I walked out of the temple and there was a HUGE beautiful rainbow! It just reminded me of that primary song about rainbows and baptism. It was so symbolic of what I had just done in the temple for other women. But, I made it home and no one really knows what's going on with me right now so they were kind of shocked that I would need a blessing since I'm not sick. But, then when my brother started speaking it was all the Lord. Absolutely everything that I needed to hear was in that blessing. I couldn't help but tear up once again. This time because I felt so comforted and at peace. I felt the Lord's arms around me as I listened to His words through my worthy priesthood holding brother. I am so grateful for my brother! He is so amazing and so in tune with the spirit. But, now that I feel so much better I'm hoping the tears will stop and that I can be patient for all of the things mentioned in the blessing to come to pass. With Heavenly Father on my side and so close to me it is easy to be happy. Really we just need to ask Him. He wants to help us through our trials and build us up. I choose happiness :) 

My Love Languages

I have been thinking A LOT the past few days about a lot of different things. Trying to figure out myself. I had a lot of things criticized about my personality and it wasn't constructive either. I've been so hurt emotionally and I'm just trying to bounce out of the slum I have sunk into. I reflected on past relationships, including the most recent and I came up with a few things I wanted to do. I was thinking back to my relationship with Josh and our little immature "you're amazing" "no you're amazing" fights and the "I love you" "I love you more" "Well I love you most". I truly meant it every time I said that he was more amazing or that I loved him more. I had true deep feelings for him and I do believe that if we did officially get engaged and married last year that I could have been happy with him. But, I also realize that I could be happier. Yes I loved him and I would have been willing to do so much for him and for our relationship. But, in the end I knew that I deserved better and he is happily married to my old roommate Aubrey and I can honestly say I am happy for him. Last fall I never thought  I would get to this point because of the way that the whole thing went down. But, I'm glad that they found each other and I hope their lives continue to be happy throughout eternity. Now, comparing Josh and I to Stephen and I... Stephen said I love you fairly early for me, at  a point where I hadn't even thought about whether or not I felt that deeply about him. Then, over the next few days or week (I don't remember) I realized that I did love him. But, I don't know how deep my love went. I know I never felt as deeply about him as I did with Josh. Things with Josh were perfect and I really didn't know what I had until I was with Stephen. Josh and I had one disagreement in the 7 months we were together. And our disagreement was about where we wanted to live when we were married. I refused to live in Idaho and he was basically stuck in his decision to stay. When I realized I couldn't sacrifice Nebraska for him, that's when I realized I couldn't marry him. But with Stephen we fought all the time. from the beginning of the relationship and the biggest one at the end. It was awful. We couldn't even go a week without getting upset with one another about something. Whether it be me keeping him up too late, me falling asleep with him around, me getting frustrated about not going on dates, and who knows what else. It was almost like we were just trying to force this relationship because it was convenient. I think back to January when I was talking to both Stephen and Andrew. I was conflicted for many reasons. I didn't really know Stephen and I wanted to get to know him and Andrew was in Utah, I knew him well and knew how much I wanted to be with him and how it keeps not working out. I hate having multiple guys on my plate because I feel like I end up either hurting one guy, choosing the wrong one, or screwing myself over by messing it up with both of them. I sometimes just wish that guys didn't want to date me, but then at the same time it makes it easier to decide what I really want in an eternal companion. And I know it isn't fair to compare past relationships with current ones but how else do you figure out what you want for sure? I almost think it's necessary. Well, I obviously thought a lot more about all of this stuff but I think that is about as deep as I'll go with that part of the post. But, anyway one of my other issues with Stephen and I is that I never felt like he cared about me. Okay, correction I will not say never. Because there were moments and days maybe sometimes a week that went by that I felt like he cared. But, it wasn't consistent and I couldn't really depend on it. I've always been insecure with my looks, my "talents", my life, and my family. So, I think that not having the reassurance often that he cared about me made it difficult for me to stay in the relationship. But, I decided tonight to take one of those love languages quizzes to see which one I was. Because really I don't know that it was my insecurities at all it might have just been that he didn't know how to show me he loved me the way that I really needed him too. Maybe all my past relationships figured that out. Well, the ones that didn't figure it out I broke up with early on I'm guessing. But, it's hard to really remember. Anyway I took a quiz and these are my scores:
Acts of Service: 9
Quality Time: 8
Words of Affirmation: 6
Receiving Gifts: 4
Physical Touch: 3

Acts of Service

Can helping with homework really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most wants to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter. When others serve you out of love (and not obligation), you feel truly valued and loved.

Quality Time

In Quality Time, nothing says “I love you” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes you feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed activities, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. Whether itʼs spending uninterrupted time talking with someone else or doing activities together, you deepen your connection with others through sharing time.

Words of Affirmation

Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. You thrive on hearing kind and encouraging words that build you up.

Receiving Gifts

Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures. Gifts are heartfelt symbols to you of someone else’s love and affection for you.

Physical Touch

A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, and thoughtful touches on the arm—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive. Appropriate and timely touches communicate warmth, safety, and love to you.

Important to Remember:

You may have scored certain ones of the love languages more highly than others, but do not dismiss those other languages as insignificant. Your friends and loved ones may express love in those ways, and it will be beneficial for you to understand this about them.

In the same way, it will benefit your friends and loved ones to know your love language and express his affection for you in ways that you interpret as love. Every time you or they speak one another’s language, you score emotional points with one another. Of course, this isn’t a game with a scorecard! The payoff of speaking each other’s love language is more of a feeling of “this person understands me and cares for me.” This translates into better communication, increased understanding, and, ultimately, improved relationship.

If you have not already done so, encourage your friends and loved ones to take The Love Languages Profile. Discuss your respective love languages, and use this insight to improve your relationships!

Anyway... that explains everything pretty well. Dear future boyfriend. Help me when I'm doing the dishes and spend time with me ;] I'll feel loved! 

But, this is the first part that I am starting to feel better about with my insecurities. I'm still so hurt by everything that was said to me this past weekend. When someone picks you apart and tears apart qualities that you saw in yourself that were good. It's so hard to recover. People around you can say so many different things, but your heart still burns with hurt and tears fill your eyes after that pit in your stomach starts. Then, you think well what if they aren't right?

I want to vent a bit about the piano. When I was picked apart one of the things that was brought up was hiding my piano "talent". This is one of the things that hurts the most to think about. I absolutely love to play the piano. Growing up I was never as good as the girls around me taking lessons. I listened to my father criticize me for not being good enough to continue lessons then the next day explain that he just signed me up to play in sacrament meeting. He would scold me constantly. He doesn't do any of that anymore and I am not trying to blame this insecurity on my father because as often as we disagree and don't get along I do love him and he does so much for me. But, I have never been able to sight read, just like I am a slow actual reader. It's something that just never came. It's so hard to get asked to play piano in sacrament meeting or even relief society because I am always afraid I will have something picked to play that I will completely butcher. This is why I keep my piano playing "in the closet" I play at home around the people that I know won't judge me and I don't risk the embarrassment of screwing up a beautiful piece in public but I can still play it and feel the wonderful peace that music brings me. As a matter of fact. I am just going to post this as is and play some piano right now. I choose happiness :) 

Memories

I just wanted to post this video. I have been scrapbooking almost all evening and I have had so much time to reflect on the past two years of my life because primarily I was scrapbooking from awhile back.I even ditched some people I was going to hang out with. (no regrets) But, I came across this video as well because I was thinking about it. Good times with my amazing FHE group last winter semester :) I am so happy! I love it!!!!