Life is good.

Life is good. Right now that's all that's important. :) A blog in greater detail will come within the next few days! I love life. I choose happiness. 

Potential

Today I have had a lot of time to think for multiple reasons. But, I've mostly been thinking about potential. My sister in law and I had a really great conversation last night and we were discussing the potential of a person in general. Everyone has such a wonderful potential. No one is perfect obviously. But, if you can look at someone and see their potential it can really help you to understand someone and feel love for them even when you don't even like the person. Sometimes when we feel a certain way about a certain person we just need to think about their potential. Think about the person that they could be in their own progression of life. I'm now thinking about my own potential. I don't really know what it is. I don't know what my Heavenly Father has in store for me. But, I do know that I have a lot of things that I have thought about and I have a lot of personal goals that I will not stray to achieve. My main goal is to have a personal relationship with my Heavenly Father that is unwavering. I want to get at this spiritual high and always keep that importance as number one in my life. I want to find a man that has those same values and has that same importance. We can marry and have those same values where we can strengthen each other in a marriage and always have the Lord first in our lives. I want to be able to look at my spouse and truly know that he loves the Savior and only wants to do what the Lord would have him do. I need someone who is spiritually strong and can help me with my spiritual weaknesses and I can help him with his spiritual weaknesses. I want to be as much of a benefit to him as he is to me. Now that I have sort of tangent-ed to my "perfect man" I might as well continue. I need someone that is constantly showing me how much he cares. I am so insecure and I know I am. I need that reassurance constantly. And words just don't really do it for me. I feel like someone can tell me over and over again that they love me, daily, hourly even. But, if I don't feel their love through their actions I feel a lot different and a lot less loved. It's those love language things. One of mine has to be quality time I think is what it is. Because if you sacrifice to spend time with me that's when I feel loved. The other thing that I need in a man is someone that I can trust and rely on always. Someone that when they aren't with me I'm not constantly thinking about what they are doing and worried about them. I need someone motivated  who knows what they want and do that. I need someone who knows how to work and provide for themselves.I think that's enough tangent for now... But, anyway potential is something that needs to be seen and thought about. That's definitely something that I am currently thinking about. But, throughout all of these random thoughts in this post. I am just so grateful for my wonderful family. Seriously. They are so great. Especially my brother in law. Today my brother in law has been there for me 200%. He was right there for me every single time. I love feeling close to him as well as the rest of my family. I am so grateful for all of the things that my family constantly does for me. They are there for me when life is good and they are even more there for me when life isn't good. I love it. Even though a lot of hurtful things have happened today. Their love has wrapped around me and helped me stay strong. The missionaries also came over this evening and shared a wonderful message. The Lord helped me so much as well. The message they shared was for me from the Lord. I am so grateful for them and the spirit that they bring into my household. I love them so much. I choose happiness. Because being upset just isn't worth my time. 

Money Money Money

Being in such a hard place financially for so long has been so annoying. I am now applying for schools all over the place and I have realized that I hate application fees. Seriously, you're going to charge me money to apply to your school even if I don't get in? Then, if I do get in you'll just take the rest of my money. Dang, why is college so expensive?! Sheesh. it's absolutely ridiculous. I hate it. But, you gotta do what you gotta do. As I have been applying for all sorts of jobs and looking at a bunch of different schools I have gotten really nervous and really excited for my future. I really don't know what it has in store for me and I guess that's really the most exciting part about it! I have NO idea what is going to happen next in my life. But, whatever it is I know it's what God wants for me and I will find myself doing exactly what He wants me to do. Because He is what is most important to me. I love Him with all my heart and I cannot wait for what lies ahead. His opinion is the only one that actually matters to me. I feel like lately a lot of people have been telling me their opinions about what they believe I should be doing with my life. Saying that they think I should be going to school right now. Well, sorry but you don't understand the whole story, if you would ask I would love to tell you all about it. But, you haven't cared to ask. That's okay though. Because...  I choose happiness :) 

True feelings of the heart and thoughts of the mind

This is going to be one of those posts where I am putting my heart and soul into it because that's what I need to do at this point. I need to dig a little deeper and figure out what is actually going on in my head. My boyfriend Stephen and I have had issues to work out since... hmmm.... dare I say the beginning? Okay, maybe not the beginning but the beginning month or so. When we first started dating we weren't really going on dates. We just jumped into this doing nothing couple. We never really did anything besides lay around and watch LOST. Which by the way is an amazing show! I highly recommend it! So, he ended up breaking up with me just a short month after we were official. We were broken up for 4ish days. But, those 4 days were pretty defining for the way the rest of our relationship was going to go. After that we were so committed. Once we were back together there was definitely something deeper there. It was really a good relationship, we found out what was really important and we went from there. Then, I made a mistake. When we all went to Utah I decided to see Andrew (if I were to have blogged in January I would have talked about the conflicting feelings I had between Stephen and Andrew... here's the short version... Andrew in a sense gave me an ultimatum and said okay neither of us are getting over one another so we kind of either need to be all in or all out. He lives in Provo and obviously I live in Nebraska. So, how could we possibly work. But, he really expected me to move to Utah and he would come visit so we could figure out if we really wanted each other. But, this happened all around the complicated time with Stephen. We weren't official but we might as well have been. In the end I didn't have good feelings about ditching Stephen for Andrew and I told Andrew not to come visit. A few weeks after that Stephen and I were officially together. So, I knew where I was and what I wanted. Then, when Stephen broke up with me, I sort of turned to Andrew and knew I was going to Utah and made plans with him for when I was coming.) But, anyway... Andrew and I spent a lot of time together out of the first part of my Utah trip. And I had told Stephen Andrew and I's background in the past just not while we were in Utah. So, I asked for permission and told him exactly what him and I did. And NO I did not cheat on Stephen with Andrew. I would never cheat on someone I am committed to, ever. But, I felt so guilty just spending time with him because while I was with him all I wanted to do was spend more time with him. Once I realized that was how I felt I didn't see him after that. It was for the best. I needed to focus on Stephen and Stephen only.  But, even with that I felt uneasy. I was immediately nit picking at Stephen no matter what he what he did I was picking at it. Then, once I realized what I was doing that I snapped myself out of that. I've realized whenever you get into that stage there is no coming back unless you jump out immediately. The people we are surrounded by are HUMAN just like me and if I am nitpicking that's just saying, hey you aren't perfect and even though it's impossible for you to be perfect you need to be perfect! That is just asking to be nit picked at. I cannot even try to be nit picky about myself because that list would go on for EVER and EVER. I really can't imagine how long it would really be. It would be disastrous! Anyway I snapped out of that really quick and things were really great with Stephen and I with the exception of me being crazy. That would describe different days. But last night I was especially crazy. So crazy that we didn't text goodnight and we haven't said anything to one another today. I don't know what he's thinking obviously. But, I know I have been thinking a lot. But, of course my mind has already gone to the worst possible circumstance. The fact that this could be the end. My craziness I can only imagine has gotten to be too much for him. That we will stop trying to make it work and we are just to the point of giving up. Quoting Stephen, "I didn't give us a fair chance and I want to. I didn't run at the first difference between us and I don't know when enough is enough. I'm scared that I might be right even if we were to try with a conscious effort to find our similarities and common ground." The end little chunk is what I'm afraid is more than likely going through his head right now. I keep thinking if I was on the other end of my craziness how I would react. I probably would be done and fed up. But, it's always hard to put yourself in someone else's shoes.
I have talked about my craziness enough from the last few posts, so I want to kind of break it all down and decide why I am going so crazy. I'm thinking of all my issues in general right now and the first thing that comes to mind is nursing school. Watching everyone around me go to school, so close to graduating with a four year degree... Freaking out that I haven't recieved my diploma from BYU-Idaho and they haven't gotten back to me in weeks about anything. I'm so concerned that now I am out of school and feel like I don't have any direction with my life. I know what I want to do, but I am so afraid to do it. I don't want to be rejected from my dreams. I have no self confidence in this department. The direction with Stephen too is not sure, I mean I don't know how it would be sure, but I'm just in the dark about everything it seems. Work is difficult and I am sick of getting treated like a rag doll. They don't really give me any reason to want to stay. They know I know what I'm talking about and they take advantage of that. They take advantage of the fact that I need money so they constantly ask me to work late. It's so frustrating. More work also just equals more stress and less time to do the things I really need to keep up on. Things like cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, spending time with Stephen, and seeing my family and friends. It's just I believe that people should not work more than 40 hours a week. But, who only works 40 hours a week? Really America is quite a bit different. We all work away our lives, we have to keep busy, so we do keep busy. I feel like I may be stretched too thin. When I'm not working I spend the majority of my time with Stephen. Which isn't a bad thing, but it seems like even things like personal scripture study are pushed aside because I go see Stephen instead. None of this is his fault of course. But, I think as long as he still wants me this needs to change. I need to see my family more than I do. I need an occasional girls night without him. I need personal time to just be at home to do laundry and all that fun stuff. I am gaining weight very regularly. I don't know what it is, well I do. I love food and when I should be exercising I have been relaxing. I need to change that aspect but I don't have the right desires. I have goals that I haven't reached. This is a more broad point. Things like my relationship with my Heavenly Father are not where I want them to be. Including scripture study and prayer, it isn't where it should or where I want it to be. From a different perspective I have wanted to run in a half marathon this summer and progress just hasn't happened there. I seem to get these good plans set, then it all goes out the window because I need to catch up on things at home or feel like I haven't spent enough time with Stephen.
Speaking of Stephen (shoot, when am I not speaking of Stephen..) I really want to just talk to him right now. I need someone to talk all of this out with and he would be the perfect person. But, I don't really fully understand what happened last night other than the fact that I had previously expressed it was too late to start something and he still wanted to do something, so we did. Then, when I naturally started falling asleep he asked why we did something starting so late and I just kind of picked up and left. We didn't really even say goodbye. That's never good. It wasn't really unsettling until now. I don't know what to do. Hopefully something will be figured out. I dug out a bunch of issues I have and if I kept going I would never stop writing so I'm going to call it good and move on with my day. But, I'm trying to choose happiness. :) 

Crazy Crazy

Well, I should stop starting out my blogs with I haven't written in awhile. Because that should just be understood by now that most likely I won't be saying much very often.  But, I am going to say something now. This is titled crazy crazy because I AM CRAZY CRAZY. Absolutely nuts. I don't remember what Stephen told me exactly but it was something along the lines of I need to cool down when we were out at dinner tonight. I was all sorts of fired up. But, it all started with me trying to organize a group hang out. I have realized time after time I cannot organize anything with a group of people. Especially when it's at Buffalo Wild Wings. My brother's surprise birthday party in December was supposed to be at Buffalo Wild Wings... so much for that. it was a disaster and tonight trying to get a group of friends together was a disaster as well. So, I was stressing all about that because I accidentally fell asleep for an hour (story of my life... I can't stay up for anything anymore. I don't know what happened to me but I must be turning into an old woman. The old women at work are really changing me to become like them.). But, eventually we did go to Buffalo Wild Wings (just Stephen and I after I failed with the group gathering completely) and it was pretty great except for me being completely NUTS. But, I do have one thing to blame this moodiness on and that would be PMS. Yupp, I'm using it and I'm writing about it on a public blog. I'm going to try to explain it so men who don't understand women's mood changes can get a little bit of insiders on it. Not that I am specifically reaching out to anyone. More than anything this is just a vent session with my thoughts, trying to understand why things are the way they are and why I am where I am right now.
So, when I am going crazy it's like someone just left the kitchen sink on with the plug and there is no way to go shut the water off. All you can do is wait for it to overflow. Then, the only way to stop it is to shut the water in the whole house off which is really complicated for some reason. But, basically I get set in one place and I can't stand what's going on. It really doesn't matter what the situation is, big or little if it is even remotely disturbing to my happiness, that's it. I can't do it. The sink is stopped and overflowing I'm done for. I am actually so nervous for whenever I am pregnant because I am going to be one of those absolutely insane pregnant ladies that is just super grumpy and needy. I am not really looking forward to being THAT at all. Now, children I'm excited for.
But, that's kind of exactly what happened today. I'm so crazy. But, I've only been home for about a half an hour and I already have it all under control. I'm not even a little bit upset. I'm also happy. But, it didn't matter all night I was trying to just be happy, but for some strange reason I just couldn't do it. Now, don't get me wrong. I was happy all night. I just had a few other issues. I was just letting my craziness overpower me. Can I get a YIKES. A new goal is just to be able to get this craziness under control. I'm really thinking I will get there. Any emotion can be controlled. Now, I just need to be more actively choosing happiness and life will be much simpler. I need to fight through these ridiculous stages of PMS emotion and just be happy! I think that I need to be a little better in other aspects of my life first. :) Now for onto CHOOSING HAPPINESS :) :)