True feelings of the heart and thoughts of the mind

This is going to be one of those posts where I am putting my heart and soul into it because that's what I need to do at this point. I need to dig a little deeper and figure out what is actually going on in my head. My boyfriend Stephen and I have had issues to work out since... hmmm.... dare I say the beginning? Okay, maybe not the beginning but the beginning month or so. When we first started dating we weren't really going on dates. We just jumped into this doing nothing couple. We never really did anything besides lay around and watch LOST. Which by the way is an amazing show! I highly recommend it! So, he ended up breaking up with me just a short month after we were official. We were broken up for 4ish days. But, those 4 days were pretty defining for the way the rest of our relationship was going to go. After that we were so committed. Once we were back together there was definitely something deeper there. It was really a good relationship, we found out what was really important and we went from there. Then, I made a mistake. When we all went to Utah I decided to see Andrew (if I were to have blogged in January I would have talked about the conflicting feelings I had between Stephen and Andrew... here's the short version... Andrew in a sense gave me an ultimatum and said okay neither of us are getting over one another so we kind of either need to be all in or all out. He lives in Provo and obviously I live in Nebraska. So, how could we possibly work. But, he really expected me to move to Utah and he would come visit so we could figure out if we really wanted each other. But, this happened all around the complicated time with Stephen. We weren't official but we might as well have been. In the end I didn't have good feelings about ditching Stephen for Andrew and I told Andrew not to come visit. A few weeks after that Stephen and I were officially together. So, I knew where I was and what I wanted. Then, when Stephen broke up with me, I sort of turned to Andrew and knew I was going to Utah and made plans with him for when I was coming.) But, anyway... Andrew and I spent a lot of time together out of the first part of my Utah trip. And I had told Stephen Andrew and I's background in the past just not while we were in Utah. So, I asked for permission and told him exactly what him and I did. And NO I did not cheat on Stephen with Andrew. I would never cheat on someone I am committed to, ever. But, I felt so guilty just spending time with him because while I was with him all I wanted to do was spend more time with him. Once I realized that was how I felt I didn't see him after that. It was for the best. I needed to focus on Stephen and Stephen only.  But, even with that I felt uneasy. I was immediately nit picking at Stephen no matter what he what he did I was picking at it. Then, once I realized what I was doing that I snapped myself out of that. I've realized whenever you get into that stage there is no coming back unless you jump out immediately. The people we are surrounded by are HUMAN just like me and if I am nitpicking that's just saying, hey you aren't perfect and even though it's impossible for you to be perfect you need to be perfect! That is just asking to be nit picked at. I cannot even try to be nit picky about myself because that list would go on for EVER and EVER. I really can't imagine how long it would really be. It would be disastrous! Anyway I snapped out of that really quick and things were really great with Stephen and I with the exception of me being crazy. That would describe different days. But last night I was especially crazy. So crazy that we didn't text goodnight and we haven't said anything to one another today. I don't know what he's thinking obviously. But, I know I have been thinking a lot. But, of course my mind has already gone to the worst possible circumstance. The fact that this could be the end. My craziness I can only imagine has gotten to be too much for him. That we will stop trying to make it work and we are just to the point of giving up. Quoting Stephen, "I didn't give us a fair chance and I want to. I didn't run at the first difference between us and I don't know when enough is enough. I'm scared that I might be right even if we were to try with a conscious effort to find our similarities and common ground." The end little chunk is what I'm afraid is more than likely going through his head right now. I keep thinking if I was on the other end of my craziness how I would react. I probably would be done and fed up. But, it's always hard to put yourself in someone else's shoes.
I have talked about my craziness enough from the last few posts, so I want to kind of break it all down and decide why I am going so crazy. I'm thinking of all my issues in general right now and the first thing that comes to mind is nursing school. Watching everyone around me go to school, so close to graduating with a four year degree... Freaking out that I haven't recieved my diploma from BYU-Idaho and they haven't gotten back to me in weeks about anything. I'm so concerned that now I am out of school and feel like I don't have any direction with my life. I know what I want to do, but I am so afraid to do it. I don't want to be rejected from my dreams. I have no self confidence in this department. The direction with Stephen too is not sure, I mean I don't know how it would be sure, but I'm just in the dark about everything it seems. Work is difficult and I am sick of getting treated like a rag doll. They don't really give me any reason to want to stay. They know I know what I'm talking about and they take advantage of that. They take advantage of the fact that I need money so they constantly ask me to work late. It's so frustrating. More work also just equals more stress and less time to do the things I really need to keep up on. Things like cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, spending time with Stephen, and seeing my family and friends. It's just I believe that people should not work more than 40 hours a week. But, who only works 40 hours a week? Really America is quite a bit different. We all work away our lives, we have to keep busy, so we do keep busy. I feel like I may be stretched too thin. When I'm not working I spend the majority of my time with Stephen. Which isn't a bad thing, but it seems like even things like personal scripture study are pushed aside because I go see Stephen instead. None of this is his fault of course. But, I think as long as he still wants me this needs to change. I need to see my family more than I do. I need an occasional girls night without him. I need personal time to just be at home to do laundry and all that fun stuff. I am gaining weight very regularly. I don't know what it is, well I do. I love food and when I should be exercising I have been relaxing. I need to change that aspect but I don't have the right desires. I have goals that I haven't reached. This is a more broad point. Things like my relationship with my Heavenly Father are not where I want them to be. Including scripture study and prayer, it isn't where it should or where I want it to be. From a different perspective I have wanted to run in a half marathon this summer and progress just hasn't happened there. I seem to get these good plans set, then it all goes out the window because I need to catch up on things at home or feel like I haven't spent enough time with Stephen.
Speaking of Stephen (shoot, when am I not speaking of Stephen..) I really want to just talk to him right now. I need someone to talk all of this out with and he would be the perfect person. But, I don't really fully understand what happened last night other than the fact that I had previously expressed it was too late to start something and he still wanted to do something, so we did. Then, when I naturally started falling asleep he asked why we did something starting so late and I just kind of picked up and left. We didn't really even say goodbye. That's never good. It wasn't really unsettling until now. I don't know what to do. Hopefully something will be figured out. I dug out a bunch of issues I have and if I kept going I would never stop writing so I'm going to call it good and move on with my day. But, I'm trying to choose happiness. :) 

Crazy Crazy

Well, I should stop starting out my blogs with I haven't written in awhile. Because that should just be understood by now that most likely I won't be saying much very often.  But, I am going to say something now. This is titled crazy crazy because I AM CRAZY CRAZY. Absolutely nuts. I don't remember what Stephen told me exactly but it was something along the lines of I need to cool down when we were out at dinner tonight. I was all sorts of fired up. But, it all started with me trying to organize a group hang out. I have realized time after time I cannot organize anything with a group of people. Especially when it's at Buffalo Wild Wings. My brother's surprise birthday party in December was supposed to be at Buffalo Wild Wings... so much for that. it was a disaster and tonight trying to get a group of friends together was a disaster as well. So, I was stressing all about that because I accidentally fell asleep for an hour (story of my life... I can't stay up for anything anymore. I don't know what happened to me but I must be turning into an old woman. The old women at work are really changing me to become like them.). But, eventually we did go to Buffalo Wild Wings (just Stephen and I after I failed with the group gathering completely) and it was pretty great except for me being completely NUTS. But, I do have one thing to blame this moodiness on and that would be PMS. Yupp, I'm using it and I'm writing about it on a public blog. I'm going to try to explain it so men who don't understand women's mood changes can get a little bit of insiders on it. Not that I am specifically reaching out to anyone. More than anything this is just a vent session with my thoughts, trying to understand why things are the way they are and why I am where I am right now.
So, when I am going crazy it's like someone just left the kitchen sink on with the plug and there is no way to go shut the water off. All you can do is wait for it to overflow. Then, the only way to stop it is to shut the water in the whole house off which is really complicated for some reason. But, basically I get set in one place and I can't stand what's going on. It really doesn't matter what the situation is, big or little if it is even remotely disturbing to my happiness, that's it. I can't do it. The sink is stopped and overflowing I'm done for. I am actually so nervous for whenever I am pregnant because I am going to be one of those absolutely insane pregnant ladies that is just super grumpy and needy. I am not really looking forward to being THAT at all. Now, children I'm excited for.
But, that's kind of exactly what happened today. I'm so crazy. But, I've only been home for about a half an hour and I already have it all under control. I'm not even a little bit upset. I'm also happy. But, it didn't matter all night I was trying to just be happy, but for some strange reason I just couldn't do it. Now, don't get me wrong. I was happy all night. I just had a few other issues. I was just letting my craziness overpower me. Can I get a YIKES. A new goal is just to be able to get this craziness under control. I'm really thinking I will get there. Any emotion can be controlled. Now, I just need to be more actively choosing happiness and life will be much simpler. I need to fight through these ridiculous stages of PMS emotion and just be happy! I think that I need to be a little better in other aspects of my life first. :) Now for onto CHOOSING HAPPINESS :) :)

Starting a New Chapter

Sometimes in our lives we close our own chapters of our lives. But sometimes it seems like chapters are ended by someone else and we have lost control of the story. Sometimes we are in a way forced to start a new chapter. Those people around us, often make decisions that in the end actually effect us. Take relationships for example (of course that would be the first example... can you tell I just went through a break up?) If someone is in a relationship and they decide they don't want to be in it, then they don't want to be in it. There isn't anything you can do or say about it. When you resist you just look pathetic. When you agree you are just contributing to the issue. If it is something that you didn't originally want and you fight for it then it's going to just be an issue for awhile... You will play the situation in your head over and over again like a movie. But, it doesn't seem to ever make any more sense than the first time it went through your head, right? So, what you have to do is fight for what you want even if it makes you look pathetic. Because you won't really regret doing what you felt like you had to to fight for what you wanted. But, this is how I feel this time. I fought for awhile. But, then about an hour after I realized that if it wasn't him, it would have eventually been me. He was driving me absolutely NUTS. (and no, not in a good way) I couldn't get myself to get over it. Just last week we had two tiffs. I've always for the most part been chill in my relationships, but not this one I guess. Maybe it had something to do with our quick beginning. Or our interesting first month of going on "dates". I don't really know what it was. But, there was something. Now right now I'm hurting I haven't been broken up with for quite some time. I've been hurt by guys I never dated and I've been hurt by guys I've dated that I eventually broke up with. But officially broken up with? Yeah, been quite some time. But, the biggest part that I don't understand about this relationship? He told me he loved me at the same time he told me he started thinking about breaking up with me. We had multiple discussions about our feelings for each other and how we felt like we were in a really good place and how we were going somewhere. Turns out that's not actually what was going on at all. I guess communicating still sometimes doesn't even make everything clear. People can still hide their true feelings and the other person in the relationship can still be confused and have no idea they were even confused until it is too late. But, once they understand the whole story, it will seem like everything previous was a lie. When really often times it would have been a lie. But, who knows what to say about situations such as these. Just that you (I) need to keep your (my) chin up and continue forward, accept what this new chapter has to offer. But, since the past two weeks I've kind of been having weird thoughts in general mine sort of seems to just want to rip out the last chapter and go back to reread an old one. Re-reading old chapters can be dangerous but it can also be helpful and encouraging. Sometimes we can learn from our more recent mistakes and fix older chapters, mend them and bring them into the new chapter. Sometimes this can be dangerous sometimes it is what's best and sometimes it is just done out of anger. It really all depends on what type of chapter you are going back into. But enough about these chapters. I'm figuring out where I'm going next and I already know, I've known exactly where I want to go next for a few weeks I have just been too much of a wimp to admit it to myself. Now I can (without shame) admit a lot of things. I'm excited and ready for this new chapter (I may or may not be speaking for just right now... we'll see). But, I think that I'm just going to go to bed and get a wonderful sleep. Get ready to take on the day tomorrow and enjoy life. Because LIFE is amazing, I love life. And I choose happiness! I CHOOSE HAPPINESS. Seriously. 

Dramatic Me

I've had a drama issue since well... forever. I don't know why things just tend to bother me but they do. I haven't had such an issue for awhile. Lately it seems like I've just been listening to everyone else's drama, whatever that is which is normally nothing. When is drama really much anyway, honestly? But, I had a moment of weakness last night and I cant take any of it back. I just had some interesting thoughts but I couldn't figure out what was going on and my dramatic sign got to the best of me. Those moments where you just wish that you could take it back, pretend that nothing bothered you, that was me last night. I don't like being in those places where I have a lot of things that could bring my dramatic side out. I haven't really been able to figure out how to get over being so dramatic, I've just tried to be better at maintaining it. And last night was not one of my strong points. But, now I'm just lagging from everything that I reacted to. I'm trying to be chill. So, I'm going to work on that while I go to work.
What I want to say is drama isn't worth anyone's time, especially my own. But, I have this obnoxious quality just stuck inside of me even though I've grown and tried to get over it. I'm still working on that and writing about it helps. What happened yesterday isn't important at all. All that I need to do is get over it and move forward. I need to choose happiness and I think by rambling about it on my blog. I have gotten over it and chose happiness. Life isn't worth holding grudges or being angry with someone. It isn't worth sitting around and waiting for someone to call or make a move. We need to say how we feel, suffer the consequences for saying how we feel, smile, be happy, and stay calm. I think I'm to that point. Everything will be more than okay from here on out. :) I choose happiness! 

Instagram

I just found out that instagram can now be used online. I don't think you could do it before, even though I could definitely be wrong. But, I LOVE INSTAGRAM. here's the link to all my photos on instagram if you're bored and want to follow me. http://instagram.com/apryor20  

Anyway... Life is awesome seriously. It's so busy but I really love it! :) I can't even tell you how happy I am. Like I said in the post from January that I forgot to post and posted last week 2013 is AWESOME. And it's about a month and a half in! I'd say that's a success. 2012 won't even compare to 2013 I can tell :) :) I love it! I choose happiness.