Be Happy

This is my first post in awhile. I have been really caught up in what's that called again? Oh yeah.. LIFE. But, nothing exciting at all has happened. So, it's not like I have to catch up my blog with "all that's happened" which is a huge plus really. I have been thinking a lot lately though. I've been making those long four hour drives by myself to Utah weekly and I have had so much time to think. And the other day I was thinking about how happy I was and how great life was when you were happy. I wasn't exactly having everything in my life perfect, as a matter of fact a lot of things were semi falling apart at the time. But, since I take pain medications often for my headaches all my roommates were wondering why I was spreading the word about happiness. I was happy that day and I DID NOT CARE WHO KNEW IT. It was really great actually. It was a glimpse of the old Amanda back in my life. And by the old Amanda I sadly do not mean the skinny faced, skinny stomach, and no muffin topped hips Amanda. Just the happy Amanda, which is really the most important one. But, the issue with all of that is really that I have not been the (so I've been called) "Happy Go Lucky Amanda" I once was. But, I think it was last Friday I was for the first time in quite awhile. It felt great. I felt free. Then, it faded again when I went to work on Saturday. I've really noticed a difference in my life since I have been working on the weekends and the shifts I have on the weekends are 12 hour shifts. So I work from 8 AM to 8 PM. So, because of that work time I am not able to go to my ward for church. But, lucky for me on Sundays at my work members from the nearby ward come by and hold a church service at the assisted living facility I work at. So, every Sunday I get to sing hymns (sometimes play the piano or lead music for them), partake of the sacrament, and listen to a short talk. It isn't real church, but it's a lot more than what others get through working on Sundays so I am grateful for that. But, I have noticed a huge void in my life. I'm missing the most important things because I am missing church. It's extremely disappointing, but I have made it through this semester and I have surely learned my lesson. No more missing church. I also want to be more careful about what Sundays I work and how long. I used to be really good about staying focused on the Savior even while I was just working 8 hour shifts at home, attending the full church service, and being better with my personal relationship with my Savior. But, I am hoping I can just avoid working on Sundays period when I get home. I'll see how successful I get I suppose. But, who knows.

So, anyway this upcoming week is finals week and I'm really NOT excited at all. I wish that I wasn't working on Monday and  Wednesday so I could just be fine and not have to worry about working, but it's alright because I desperately need the money, so I'll make it all work. But, the sooner it's over the sooner I'm in Nebraska with my family. Now, beyond that there isn't much for me in Nebraska, but that's okay. I'm going to make the most out of it and hopefully I can better plan my future and figure out about this whole CYST THING. Yeah, I've briefly mentioned my cyst in my sinus before and when I go see another ENT in Nebraska I'll really be able to figure out if that's an issue with my head or not. Who knows, but I"m hoping I can find out who knows and they can help me out. 

Of course because I always bring up boys, I must bring them up real quick. They are everywhere, asking me on dates all over the place. They want to date me for whatever reason. And I have absolutely no interest. My problem? I have absolutely no idea. But, hopefully one day I'll figure it out. The main problem I have is all these boys that keep coming after me I have no interest for, but other ones... I've definitely had some interest in a few of them. Not anything serious, and nothing that any of them have known, but they just don't happen. I'm not just about to make any moves on any boys. They are going to have to come to me sadly, I'm a bit picky when it comes to that now. But, who knows maybe I'll grow out of this odd stage.

So, on the bright side. I have started to train for a half marathon. Yup, you read that correctly a HALF MARATHON. I have tried this before, but this time is different. This time I'm fatter than I've ever been and have so much motivation it's ridiculous!  I'm actually getting really really excited for this. My brother is training as well and we're planning on finding a race when I get home so we can sign up for it in March. I'm going to be running a half marathon in less than 5 months! It's so crazy awesome! I'm so stoked! Running really keeps me happy and eliminating that from my life the past year or so I think has really messed me up a bit. But, I'm getting back on track. Getting closer and closer to finding the old Amanda again! SHE WILL RETURN. I choose happiness :) 

My Dark Side

This video is pretty much how I've felt this weekend. I love expressing myself through music! I really just wish I could go and play the piano like I did yesterday with my grandma. I don't even know what's going on with me, but I'm having a lot of issues with my personal DARK SIDE. I'm being extremely dramatic and choosing to be hurt by stupid things. But, I'm getting back to that happy place... soon. I really will eventually choose happiness.

Working my life away

So, I haven't posted this WHOLE SEMESTER. It's kind of sad, but completely excusable. I have been more busy this semester than any other semester my whole college career. I'm not sure why, but I have ridiculous amounts of homework. So, pretty much I'm either at class, work, at home doing homework, or breaking boys' hearts. It's been so hard. I feel like boys keep perusing me and I keep not wanting them to pursue me. I'm not interested in any relationship at all. I don't just say that either, it's not one of those with an exception. My life is so crazy busy I don't have the time for a relationship! I'm sorry boys, but this girl is staying single, unless you REALLY think you want a girlfriend that will never be around, like ever. Trust me, I'm not worth it. I'm in such an emotional state that it doesn't even matter just about everything I have a hard time connecting to. My emotions are about shot from the year I have had. But, it's alright I'll make it through I'm pretty sure. 2012 sure will be a year I'll remember forever. So many life defining experiences have shaped me into who I am this year. With falling in love, almost getting engaged/married, my health issues, my busy schedule, being so poor I don't go grocery shopping for weeks, having friends total my car and having to go through a period without one then having to go through the process of getting a new one, sort of reverting to my old quiet self, breaking hearts, finding so many things to be insecure about, and so much more. It's been absolutely insane. In a way I want to just get rid of all the memories so I don't have to know so many things that have happened. How can so much change in just one year?! I can't believe it!
It's too bad that this semester seems to be so different from all the rest. I have friends, but not many because I have basically no time to hang out with anyone. So, hanging out with people really isn't in the picture. It's been really rough. In the past I have been known as the "man stealer" I made up the title because I don't know how else to describe it. Basically my roommate and I have very similar taste in men and whenever she likes a boy and he comes over to our apartment for whatever the reason the boy begins to be interested in me, then it just creates a big drama fest whether or not I'm even interested in the guy. It's been brought up so many times this semester I can't help but constantly think about it. So, this semester I haven't even been invited to hang out with my roommates much. Which in a way is good because then I have more time to do my homework alone without distractions. But, also as of last weekend 3 of my roommates got boyfriends. If you are not aware of BYU-I living arrangements that is half of my apartment. There are 3 bedrooms and one roommate in each room got a boyfriend last weekend, Either Saturday, Sunday, or Monday. So, it's been extra lonely. But, it's alright because I press on. I may not always have a smile on my face, but I assure you I am happy deep down somewhere. Don't take this section about boys make you think that I want a relationship though. Truthfully I just want roommates that can be my friends and stay my friends. Or boys that will hang out with me and not want to date me eventually for once. This goes back to an older post of mine. GUYS AND GIRLS CAN BE FRIENDS. Guys just have to make it complicated and choose not to be friends with girls they aren't interested in. Especially the boys with extremely high dating standards. It's just hard to be unattractive sometimes, or to be a friend to a guy who wants much more than friendship. Sometimes I just want to scream.
Sheesh, it's official I'm a rambler. But, this time it was mostly on purpose because I got sick of not seeing any new posts on my blog. Someday I'll get more deep posts going again. But, most likely not anytime soon especially since now I'll be working 36 hours each week, plus my classes and homework = NO LIFE or time to blog. Anyway, I choose happiness :)

David again

I love his music. This is an AMAZING video!!! He's so amazing! Amazing song. I can't wait to get his album once I get to Idaho which is only in TWO WEEKS!!! :)

I. HATE. LOVE.

Don't get confused by the title!! I'm happy :) Basically I had a shocker today. Well, just a few hours ago actually. I thought I was over someone, and I got sort of a stab in the heart. But, it wasn't his fault because in actuality he didn't do anything. I just found out a few things I really didn't want to know. Sometimes I hate facebook for that exact reason. Sometimes it would be awesome just to NOT HAVE FACEBOOK. But, at the same time... Facebook is pretty great and I can't deny it.

Anyway... my point is that I hate falling for someone and even months later having those feelings rush back then having a few regrets. Now, I'm debating the title.. either I hate regrets or love. Hmmm.... Well LOVE is fantastic while you're in it. But, for me at least it seems like it is always  short lived. (okay, not always.. but for me) I am not trying to point it toward anyone else. But, when I was first dating we weren't allowed to steady date. I felt like people at church were constantly watching me and making sure I was living by the standards of not dating the same person. But, no matter what I was actually doing there were many people that said things about me. And worst of all they would tell my friend's parents or my own. So, of course the word always came right back to me. I know that now I'm 20 and I've been able to date the same person for awhile now without heads turning at church or bad things being said about me... but I think deep down the transition is weird. I don't know this is a rambling post that is completely for me and as I'm writing I'm trying to make sense of my emotions. I was so close to being ready to get married one minute and the next I was done and ready to move on. I think I could have stuck it out and still be with him, especially after the reminder today. But, while I was in it all I wanted was out. It's so weird to even think about this at all. But, when these days come back and the feelings of regret come about I absolutely hate it. I know it doesn't help because the mormon culture pressure for marriage is eating at me constantly. But, I can't help but resist. I know I'm not ready, so I'm not about to jump into something I'm not prepared for. But, this day will pass and again I'll be over the situation. But, I think no matter the relationship there is always going to be some sort of loss that exists. I have felt it multiple times. Even when I'm the one who ends the relationship. Then, there's the period where I go crazy single and I just go on a few dates. It's annoying, I need to figure that part out. But, then I get right back into a relationship. I need to slow it down and chill out. I have been strongly considering a mission. I have wanted to serve for quite some time, but it's getting to be real. I can turn in my papers in just a few short months. But, the pondering continues... I'm afraid part of the reason I have a desire to go is because I am so afraid of relationships and marriage. (as pointed out to me by a good friend of mine) That is the absolute worst reason to serve a mission. But, really it doesn't matter what I want to do, it matters what the Lord wants me to do. I need to better prepare to be His tool here on Earth first. Then, I'll figure out everything else with it.
But, as for today, even just writing about it I feel better. I love just writing down my feelings. Sometimes I feel like no one listens. I LOVE LISTENING. So, I feel like often times people come to me so they can have someone that listens, (and I won't ever want to NOT be considered the listener because I still enjoy it and I love the connection with friends when I have the opportunity to listen/give what little bit of advice I have for them) but when it comes to having a conversation about my feelings and my issues, it just doesn't happen. If it does it's a short thing and it is pretty superficial. Sometimes I wish I could just open up to anyone and everyone would listen to me and help me with my issues. But, instead I put it online for me to remember how I was feeling at certain points in my life. Watch my triumphs and my many many fails. Anyway I go up to Rexburg in a few short weeks and  I'll be surrounded by relationships. So, I'll just have to GET OVER IT. I can hate relationships and love. But, I'm going to need to get used to being surrounded by a lot. This next semester I plan on focusing just on finding good friends around me. I'm excited to be in a new ward and meet many new people. I can't wait to have this headache gone (or at least covered up with my pain medicine) and feel normal around people again in Rexburg. I feel like I haven't been there forever. Oh wait, that's because I haven't lived there for more than 2 weeks at once since MARCH. Oh wow, things change so quickly. But, I choose happiness :) Life is good and I have so much to be happy about!