Don't get confused by the title!! I'm happy :) Basically I had a shocker today. Well, just a few hours ago actually. I thought I was over someone, and I got sort of a stab in the heart. But, it wasn't his fault because in actuality he didn't do anything. I just found out a few things I really didn't want to know. Sometimes I hate facebook for that exact reason. Sometimes it would be awesome just to NOT HAVE FACEBOOK. But, at the same time... Facebook is pretty great and I can't deny it.
Anyway... my point is that I hate falling for someone and even months later having those feelings rush back then having a few regrets. Now, I'm debating the title.. either I hate regrets or love. Hmmm.... Well LOVE is fantastic while you're in it. But, for me at least it seems like it is always short lived. (okay, not always.. but for me) I am not trying to point it toward anyone else. But, when I was first dating we weren't allowed to steady date. I felt like people at church were constantly watching me and making sure I was living by the standards of not dating the same person. But, no matter what I was actually doing there were many people that said things about me. And worst of all they would tell my friend's parents or my own. So, of course the word always came right back to me. I know that now I'm 20 and I've been able to date the same person for awhile now without heads turning at church or bad things being said about me... but I think deep down the transition is weird. I don't know this is a rambling post that is completely for me and as I'm writing I'm trying to make sense of my emotions. I was so close to being ready to get married one minute and the next I was done and ready to move on. I think I could have stuck it out and still be with him, especially after the reminder today. But, while I was in it all I wanted was out. It's so weird to even think about this at all. But, when these days come back and the feelings of regret come about I absolutely hate it. I know it doesn't help because the mormon culture pressure for marriage is eating at me constantly. But, I can't help but resist. I know I'm not ready, so I'm not about to jump into something I'm not prepared for. But, this day will pass and again I'll be over the situation. But, I think no matter the relationship there is always going to be some sort of loss that exists. I have felt it multiple times. Even when I'm the one who ends the relationship. Then, there's the period where I go crazy single and I just go on a few dates. It's annoying, I need to figure that part out. But, then I get right back into a relationship. I need to slow it down and chill out. I have been strongly considering a mission. I have wanted to serve for quite some time, but it's getting to be real. I can turn in my papers in just a few short months. But, the pondering continues... I'm afraid part of the reason I have a desire to go is because I am so afraid of relationships and marriage. (as pointed out to me by a good friend of mine) That is the absolute worst reason to serve a mission. But, really it doesn't matter what I want to do, it matters what the Lord wants me to do. I need to better prepare to be His tool here on Earth first. Then, I'll figure out everything else with it.
But, as for today, even just writing about it I feel better. I love just writing down my feelings. Sometimes I feel like no one listens. I LOVE LISTENING. So, I feel like often times people come to me so they can have someone that listens, (and I won't ever want to NOT be considered the listener because I still enjoy it and I love the connection with friends when I have the opportunity to listen/give what little bit of advice I have for them) but when it comes to having a conversation about my feelings and my issues, it just doesn't happen. If it does it's a short thing and it is pretty superficial. Sometimes I wish I could just open up to anyone and everyone would listen to me and help me with my issues. But, instead I put it online for me to remember how I was feeling at certain points in my life. Watch my triumphs and my many many fails. Anyway I go up to Rexburg in a few short weeks and I'll be surrounded by relationships. So, I'll just have to GET OVER IT. I can hate relationships and love. But, I'm going to need to get used to being surrounded by a lot. This next semester I plan on focusing just on finding good friends around me. I'm excited to be in a new ward and meet many new people. I can't wait to have this headache gone (or at least covered up with my pain medicine) and feel normal around people again in Rexburg. I feel like I haven't been there forever. Oh wait, that's because I haven't lived there for more than 2 weeks at once since MARCH. Oh wow, things change so quickly. But, I choose happiness :) Life is good and I have so much to be happy about!
Anyway... my point is that I hate falling for someone and even months later having those feelings rush back then having a few regrets. Now, I'm debating the title.. either I hate regrets or love. Hmmm.... Well LOVE is fantastic while you're in it. But, for me at least it seems like it is always short lived. (okay, not always.. but for me) I am not trying to point it toward anyone else. But, when I was first dating we weren't allowed to steady date. I felt like people at church were constantly watching me and making sure I was living by the standards of not dating the same person. But, no matter what I was actually doing there were many people that said things about me. And worst of all they would tell my friend's parents or my own. So, of course the word always came right back to me. I know that now I'm 20 and I've been able to date the same person for awhile now without heads turning at church or bad things being said about me... but I think deep down the transition is weird. I don't know this is a rambling post that is completely for me and as I'm writing I'm trying to make sense of my emotions. I was so close to being ready to get married one minute and the next I was done and ready to move on. I think I could have stuck it out and still be with him, especially after the reminder today. But, while I was in it all I wanted was out. It's so weird to even think about this at all. But, when these days come back and the feelings of regret come about I absolutely hate it. I know it doesn't help because the mormon culture pressure for marriage is eating at me constantly. But, I can't help but resist. I know I'm not ready, so I'm not about to jump into something I'm not prepared for. But, this day will pass and again I'll be over the situation. But, I think no matter the relationship there is always going to be some sort of loss that exists. I have felt it multiple times. Even when I'm the one who ends the relationship. Then, there's the period where I go crazy single and I just go on a few dates. It's annoying, I need to figure that part out. But, then I get right back into a relationship. I need to slow it down and chill out. I have been strongly considering a mission. I have wanted to serve for quite some time, but it's getting to be real. I can turn in my papers in just a few short months. But, the pondering continues... I'm afraid part of the reason I have a desire to go is because I am so afraid of relationships and marriage. (as pointed out to me by a good friend of mine) That is the absolute worst reason to serve a mission. But, really it doesn't matter what I want to do, it matters what the Lord wants me to do. I need to better prepare to be His tool here on Earth first. Then, I'll figure out everything else with it.
But, as for today, even just writing about it I feel better. I love just writing down my feelings. Sometimes I feel like no one listens. I LOVE LISTENING. So, I feel like often times people come to me so they can have someone that listens, (and I won't ever want to NOT be considered the listener because I still enjoy it and I love the connection with friends when I have the opportunity to listen/give what little bit of advice I have for them) but when it comes to having a conversation about my feelings and my issues, it just doesn't happen. If it does it's a short thing and it is pretty superficial. Sometimes I wish I could just open up to anyone and everyone would listen to me and help me with my issues. But, instead I put it online for me to remember how I was feeling at certain points in my life. Watch my triumphs and my many many fails. Anyway I go up to Rexburg in a few short weeks and I'll be surrounded by relationships. So, I'll just have to GET OVER IT. I can hate relationships and love. But, I'm going to need to get used to being surrounded by a lot. This next semester I plan on focusing just on finding good friends around me. I'm excited to be in a new ward and meet many new people. I can't wait to have this headache gone (or at least covered up with my pain medicine) and feel normal around people again in Rexburg. I feel like I haven't been there forever. Oh wait, that's because I haven't lived there for more than 2 weeks at once since MARCH. Oh wow, things change so quickly. But, I choose happiness :) Life is good and I have so much to be happy about!
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