Crazy Crazy

Well, I should stop starting out my blogs with I haven't written in awhile. Because that should just be understood by now that most likely I won't be saying much very often.  But, I am going to say something now. This is titled crazy crazy because I AM CRAZY CRAZY. Absolutely nuts. I don't remember what Stephen told me exactly but it was something along the lines of I need to cool down when we were out at dinner tonight. I was all sorts of fired up. But, it all started with me trying to organize a group hang out. I have realized time after time I cannot organize anything with a group of people. Especially when it's at Buffalo Wild Wings. My brother's surprise birthday party in December was supposed to be at Buffalo Wild Wings... so much for that. it was a disaster and tonight trying to get a group of friends together was a disaster as well. So, I was stressing all about that because I accidentally fell asleep for an hour (story of my life... I can't stay up for anything anymore. I don't know what happened to me but I must be turning into an old woman. The old women at work are really changing me to become like them.). But, eventually we did go to Buffalo Wild Wings (just Stephen and I after I failed with the group gathering completely) and it was pretty great except for me being completely NUTS. But, I do have one thing to blame this moodiness on and that would be PMS. Yupp, I'm using it and I'm writing about it on a public blog. I'm going to try to explain it so men who don't understand women's mood changes can get a little bit of insiders on it. Not that I am specifically reaching out to anyone. More than anything this is just a vent session with my thoughts, trying to understand why things are the way they are and why I am where I am right now.
So, when I am going crazy it's like someone just left the kitchen sink on with the plug and there is no way to go shut the water off. All you can do is wait for it to overflow. Then, the only way to stop it is to shut the water in the whole house off which is really complicated for some reason. But, basically I get set in one place and I can't stand what's going on. It really doesn't matter what the situation is, big or little if it is even remotely disturbing to my happiness, that's it. I can't do it. The sink is stopped and overflowing I'm done for. I am actually so nervous for whenever I am pregnant because I am going to be one of those absolutely insane pregnant ladies that is just super grumpy and needy. I am not really looking forward to being THAT at all. Now, children I'm excited for.
But, that's kind of exactly what happened today. I'm so crazy. But, I've only been home for about a half an hour and I already have it all under control. I'm not even a little bit upset. I'm also happy. But, it didn't matter all night I was trying to just be happy, but for some strange reason I just couldn't do it. Now, don't get me wrong. I was happy all night. I just had a few other issues. I was just letting my craziness overpower me. Can I get a YIKES. A new goal is just to be able to get this craziness under control. I'm really thinking I will get there. Any emotion can be controlled. Now, I just need to be more actively choosing happiness and life will be much simpler. I need to fight through these ridiculous stages of PMS emotion and just be happy! I think that I need to be a little better in other aspects of my life first. :) Now for onto CHOOSING HAPPINESS :) :)

Starting a New Chapter

Sometimes in our lives we close our own chapters of our lives. But sometimes it seems like chapters are ended by someone else and we have lost control of the story. Sometimes we are in a way forced to start a new chapter. Those people around us, often make decisions that in the end actually effect us. Take relationships for example (of course that would be the first example... can you tell I just went through a break up?) If someone is in a relationship and they decide they don't want to be in it, then they don't want to be in it. There isn't anything you can do or say about it. When you resist you just look pathetic. When you agree you are just contributing to the issue. If it is something that you didn't originally want and you fight for it then it's going to just be an issue for awhile... You will play the situation in your head over and over again like a movie. But, it doesn't seem to ever make any more sense than the first time it went through your head, right? So, what you have to do is fight for what you want even if it makes you look pathetic. Because you won't really regret doing what you felt like you had to to fight for what you wanted. But, this is how I feel this time. I fought for awhile. But, then about an hour after I realized that if it wasn't him, it would have eventually been me. He was driving me absolutely NUTS. (and no, not in a good way) I couldn't get myself to get over it. Just last week we had two tiffs. I've always for the most part been chill in my relationships, but not this one I guess. Maybe it had something to do with our quick beginning. Or our interesting first month of going on "dates". I don't really know what it was. But, there was something. Now right now I'm hurting I haven't been broken up with for quite some time. I've been hurt by guys I never dated and I've been hurt by guys I've dated that I eventually broke up with. But officially broken up with? Yeah, been quite some time. But, the biggest part that I don't understand about this relationship? He told me he loved me at the same time he told me he started thinking about breaking up with me. We had multiple discussions about our feelings for each other and how we felt like we were in a really good place and how we were going somewhere. Turns out that's not actually what was going on at all. I guess communicating still sometimes doesn't even make everything clear. People can still hide their true feelings and the other person in the relationship can still be confused and have no idea they were even confused until it is too late. But, once they understand the whole story, it will seem like everything previous was a lie. When really often times it would have been a lie. But, who knows what to say about situations such as these. Just that you (I) need to keep your (my) chin up and continue forward, accept what this new chapter has to offer. But, since the past two weeks I've kind of been having weird thoughts in general mine sort of seems to just want to rip out the last chapter and go back to reread an old one. Re-reading old chapters can be dangerous but it can also be helpful and encouraging. Sometimes we can learn from our more recent mistakes and fix older chapters, mend them and bring them into the new chapter. Sometimes this can be dangerous sometimes it is what's best and sometimes it is just done out of anger. It really all depends on what type of chapter you are going back into. But enough about these chapters. I'm figuring out where I'm going next and I already know, I've known exactly where I want to go next for a few weeks I have just been too much of a wimp to admit it to myself. Now I can (without shame) admit a lot of things. I'm excited and ready for this new chapter (I may or may not be speaking for just right now... we'll see). But, I think that I'm just going to go to bed and get a wonderful sleep. Get ready to take on the day tomorrow and enjoy life. Because LIFE is amazing, I love life. And I choose happiness! I CHOOSE HAPPINESS. Seriously. 

Dramatic Me

I've had a drama issue since well... forever. I don't know why things just tend to bother me but they do. I haven't had such an issue for awhile. Lately it seems like I've just been listening to everyone else's drama, whatever that is which is normally nothing. When is drama really much anyway, honestly? But, I had a moment of weakness last night and I cant take any of it back. I just had some interesting thoughts but I couldn't figure out what was going on and my dramatic sign got to the best of me. Those moments where you just wish that you could take it back, pretend that nothing bothered you, that was me last night. I don't like being in those places where I have a lot of things that could bring my dramatic side out. I haven't really been able to figure out how to get over being so dramatic, I've just tried to be better at maintaining it. And last night was not one of my strong points. But, now I'm just lagging from everything that I reacted to. I'm trying to be chill. So, I'm going to work on that while I go to work.
What I want to say is drama isn't worth anyone's time, especially my own. But, I have this obnoxious quality just stuck inside of me even though I've grown and tried to get over it. I'm still working on that and writing about it helps. What happened yesterday isn't important at all. All that I need to do is get over it and move forward. I need to choose happiness and I think by rambling about it on my blog. I have gotten over it and chose happiness. Life isn't worth holding grudges or being angry with someone. It isn't worth sitting around and waiting for someone to call or make a move. We need to say how we feel, suffer the consequences for saying how we feel, smile, be happy, and stay calm. I think I'm to that point. Everything will be more than okay from here on out. :) I choose happiness! 

Instagram

I just found out that instagram can now be used online. I don't think you could do it before, even though I could definitely be wrong. But, I LOVE INSTAGRAM. here's the link to all my photos on instagram if you're bored and want to follow me. http://instagram.com/apryor20  

Anyway... Life is awesome seriously. It's so busy but I really love it! :) I can't even tell you how happy I am. Like I said in the post from January that I forgot to post and posted last week 2013 is AWESOME. And it's about a month and a half in! I'd say that's a success. 2012 won't even compare to 2013 I can tell :) :) I love it! I choose happiness. 

Perfection

So, recently I’ve had some time to think about this complex word. I decided to look up the definition of perfect in the dictionary and urban dictionary. This is what I came up with the dictionary definition
Perfect
1. Conforming absolutely to the description or definiton of an ideal type
2. Excellent or complete beyond practical or theoretical improvement
3. Exactly fitting the need in a certain situation or for a certain purpose
4. Entirely without any flaws, defects, or shortcomings
5. Accurate, exact, or correct in every detail

Urban Dictionary: an impossiblity, something unattainable, something that cannot be reached..ever

So, basically urban dictionary is more correct than the dictionary in my opinion. I mean yes, perfection is all of those things in the dictionary definition, but the truth is perfection is unattainable, at least in this life. But, perfection is almost a personal opinion because it isn’t exactly always used the right way. As in oh, I found my perfect boyfriend. Or I found the perfect chair for my living room. Really, even if something is perfect at that point in time, it will eventually become imperfect or the imperfections will come to the surface. But, when it comes to dealing with imperfections. You have to decide with parts of something are more important to you than other things. What a difficult process.

                So, if you’re one of those people that have read previous posts by me, you are familiar with the name Palmer, probably too familiar. But, I’m far past all of that stuff. But, I’ve kind of been thinking about it recently because he got engaged last week. Good for him, good luck for her. But, I was just thinking about how perfect I thought he was. How I thought he had no flaws for YEARS. I knew him pretty well and I still had no idea. I was blocked by whatever was going through my head making me think he had nothing wrong with him. Even after my freak out and being angry that summer I didn’t truly believe yet that he wasn’t perfect. He clearly wasn’t to the outside eye and now years later to me he isn’t. But, at the time I let him throw me around like a rag doll. I cried more over him than I did anything else in my whole teen life. I don’t blame him, in the end it’s my fault for letting it all keep going. But, I didn’t care, I didn’t realize. In my head I think I just kept reminding myself of all the good things and ignoring the bad. Which in most cases that is really good. But, when the bad outweighs the good, that’s when you need to figure out and decide what is really important. Well, that’s my rant about how despite what I thought for so long HE IS NOT PERFECT.

                But, perfection is something that I think we all seek for in a spouse. I think this is a bad idea. Because if we are going to seek perfection, we will never find it and we will just continue to wait for nothing. No matter the person at one time or another they are going to bother us and we are going to feel like we want to just go crazy. But, that’s why we need to be careful to really get to know people before we make such a huge commitment. Don’t we see all around us just constant divorces? It’s crazy how often people get divorced. A lot of that is also that people don’t know how to adapt to imperfections. Its so important to understand that people are imperfect! I cannot stress this enough. I know it might sound like I keep saying the same things over and over again and that’s because I probably am but it’s TRUE.

                Okay, now to a different angle of talking about it. Perfection is something that we are taught to strive for. So, really we’re striving for something that is impossible to achieve! How depressing. We can strive for something and in the end, we know we won’t get there. But, the real catch there is that just because we can’t be perfect in everything all the time. Daily we can be perfect in certain things. If we don’t take things day to day we have already failed.  Daily we should say, hey I was perfectly kind today. Or my thoughts today were perfectly pure today. Also, today could be the day that you are perfect in your diet or in your exercise. Those are all things worth recognizing! Then, even to top it off in our next life, we will be able to achieve perfection! We will be able to go through our lives striving for perfection then we will get to that point where we will be able to achieve all that we've wanted to. We just need to not get frustrated now. We need to work hard every day to achieve those things we wish to achieve. HARD WORK WILL ALWAYS PAY OFF. I promise. So even though for now it’s unattainable it doesn’t mean that that we should stop trying.  

                Now, where the HECK did this come from right? Why am I talking at you readers all of a sudden? I have absolutely no idea. I just really wanted to talk about perfection and it somehow came out like this. I don’t really understand why or how it happened, but it did. But, I’m still going to connect this to my blog. Right now I’m just having a few issues realizing what I need to do in my life. I’m feeling far from perfect. I know I’m not getting into BYUI’s nursing program and I’m sort of afraid to apply to other nursing schools even though I know it is what I want. But, even though I may feel like a failure for a bit, I’m still super happy. So many things are going great in my life right now! I have so many blessings, so many amazing people around me, and great opportunities ahead of me. I’m excited for what the future holds and I’m excited to continue to every day CHOOSE HAPPINESS :D