Tears

I've been thinking about crying today. It is such a sign of really strong emotions. It could be good or bad emotions. I really feel like this week and last week should be switched because the break up was almost two weeks ago and it didn't really bother me until we had a follow up chat. So, it's just weird that it's not even the break up that I'm emotional about. ANYWAY Today I had a great day at work until a coworker decided to be ridiculous. But, then I came home , went on a run, talked to my mom for a bit, and I went to the temple. But of course my night started getting stressful when the interstate I needed to be on was closed for something (I'm assuming an accident) so I had to go the long way to get to the temple then I got lost downtown because I'm the worst with directions and I was too stressed to even think about getting my gps. I was freaking out so much that I was talking to myself and crying. I've been crying at the drop of a hat this week so it didn't surprise me. (I'm just an emotional wreck, I'm hoping the tears will all dry up again soon.) But, then I decided to pray that I could make it there, then right away I found the road I needed (which of course I had driven by at least 3 times but without the spirit I didn't recognize it was right). Then, I made it to the temple and everyone else was late because of whatever was going on as well. So, I immediately felt better and the spirit calmed me down. I'm so grateful for the spirit and the peace that the Holy Ghost brings. Anyway I had a lot of questions that I had in mind before the temple. All that I felt the whole time was that I needed to go home, not hang out afterward with friends, and ask for a blessing. So, I walked out of the temple and there was a HUGE beautiful rainbow! It just reminded me of that primary song about rainbows and baptism. It was so symbolic of what I had just done in the temple for other women. But, I made it home and no one really knows what's going on with me right now so they were kind of shocked that I would need a blessing since I'm not sick. But, then when my brother started speaking it was all the Lord. Absolutely everything that I needed to hear was in that blessing. I couldn't help but tear up once again. This time because I felt so comforted and at peace. I felt the Lord's arms around me as I listened to His words through my worthy priesthood holding brother. I am so grateful for my brother! He is so amazing and so in tune with the spirit. But, now that I feel so much better I'm hoping the tears will stop and that I can be patient for all of the things mentioned in the blessing to come to pass. With Heavenly Father on my side and so close to me it is easy to be happy. Really we just need to ask Him. He wants to help us through our trials and build us up. I choose happiness :) 

My Love Languages

I have been thinking A LOT the past few days about a lot of different things. Trying to figure out myself. I had a lot of things criticized about my personality and it wasn't constructive either. I've been so hurt emotionally and I'm just trying to bounce out of the slum I have sunk into. I reflected on past relationships, including the most recent and I came up with a few things I wanted to do. I was thinking back to my relationship with Josh and our little immature "you're amazing" "no you're amazing" fights and the "I love you" "I love you more" "Well I love you most". I truly meant it every time I said that he was more amazing or that I loved him more. I had true deep feelings for him and I do believe that if we did officially get engaged and married last year that I could have been happy with him. But, I also realize that I could be happier. Yes I loved him and I would have been willing to do so much for him and for our relationship. But, in the end I knew that I deserved better and he is happily married to my old roommate Aubrey and I can honestly say I am happy for him. Last fall I never thought  I would get to this point because of the way that the whole thing went down. But, I'm glad that they found each other and I hope their lives continue to be happy throughout eternity. Now, comparing Josh and I to Stephen and I... Stephen said I love you fairly early for me, at  a point where I hadn't even thought about whether or not I felt that deeply about him. Then, over the next few days or week (I don't remember) I realized that I did love him. But, I don't know how deep my love went. I know I never felt as deeply about him as I did with Josh. Things with Josh were perfect and I really didn't know what I had until I was with Stephen. Josh and I had one disagreement in the 7 months we were together. And our disagreement was about where we wanted to live when we were married. I refused to live in Idaho and he was basically stuck in his decision to stay. When I realized I couldn't sacrifice Nebraska for him, that's when I realized I couldn't marry him. But with Stephen we fought all the time. from the beginning of the relationship and the biggest one at the end. It was awful. We couldn't even go a week without getting upset with one another about something. Whether it be me keeping him up too late, me falling asleep with him around, me getting frustrated about not going on dates, and who knows what else. It was almost like we were just trying to force this relationship because it was convenient. I think back to January when I was talking to both Stephen and Andrew. I was conflicted for many reasons. I didn't really know Stephen and I wanted to get to know him and Andrew was in Utah, I knew him well and knew how much I wanted to be with him and how it keeps not working out. I hate having multiple guys on my plate because I feel like I end up either hurting one guy, choosing the wrong one, or screwing myself over by messing it up with both of them. I sometimes just wish that guys didn't want to date me, but then at the same time it makes it easier to decide what I really want in an eternal companion. And I know it isn't fair to compare past relationships with current ones but how else do you figure out what you want for sure? I almost think it's necessary. Well, I obviously thought a lot more about all of this stuff but I think that is about as deep as I'll go with that part of the post. But, anyway one of my other issues with Stephen and I is that I never felt like he cared about me. Okay, correction I will not say never. Because there were moments and days maybe sometimes a week that went by that I felt like he cared. But, it wasn't consistent and I couldn't really depend on it. I've always been insecure with my looks, my "talents", my life, and my family. So, I think that not having the reassurance often that he cared about me made it difficult for me to stay in the relationship. But, I decided tonight to take one of those love languages quizzes to see which one I was. Because really I don't know that it was my insecurities at all it might have just been that he didn't know how to show me he loved me the way that I really needed him too. Maybe all my past relationships figured that out. Well, the ones that didn't figure it out I broke up with early on I'm guessing. But, it's hard to really remember. Anyway I took a quiz and these are my scores:
Acts of Service: 9
Quality Time: 8
Words of Affirmation: 6
Receiving Gifts: 4
Physical Touch: 3

Acts of Service

Can helping with homework really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most wants to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter. When others serve you out of love (and not obligation), you feel truly valued and loved.

Quality Time

In Quality Time, nothing says “I love you” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes you feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed activities, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. Whether itʼs spending uninterrupted time talking with someone else or doing activities together, you deepen your connection with others through sharing time.

Words of Affirmation

Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. You thrive on hearing kind and encouraging words that build you up.

Receiving Gifts

Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures. Gifts are heartfelt symbols to you of someone else’s love and affection for you.

Physical Touch

A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, and thoughtful touches on the arm—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive. Appropriate and timely touches communicate warmth, safety, and love to you.

Important to Remember:

You may have scored certain ones of the love languages more highly than others, but do not dismiss those other languages as insignificant. Your friends and loved ones may express love in those ways, and it will be beneficial for you to understand this about them.

In the same way, it will benefit your friends and loved ones to know your love language and express his affection for you in ways that you interpret as love. Every time you or they speak one another’s language, you score emotional points with one another. Of course, this isn’t a game with a scorecard! The payoff of speaking each other’s love language is more of a feeling of “this person understands me and cares for me.” This translates into better communication, increased understanding, and, ultimately, improved relationship.

If you have not already done so, encourage your friends and loved ones to take The Love Languages Profile. Discuss your respective love languages, and use this insight to improve your relationships!

Anyway... that explains everything pretty well. Dear future boyfriend. Help me when I'm doing the dishes and spend time with me ;] I'll feel loved! 

But, this is the first part that I am starting to feel better about with my insecurities. I'm still so hurt by everything that was said to me this past weekend. When someone picks you apart and tears apart qualities that you saw in yourself that were good. It's so hard to recover. People around you can say so many different things, but your heart still burns with hurt and tears fill your eyes after that pit in your stomach starts. Then, you think well what if they aren't right?

I want to vent a bit about the piano. When I was picked apart one of the things that was brought up was hiding my piano "talent". This is one of the things that hurts the most to think about. I absolutely love to play the piano. Growing up I was never as good as the girls around me taking lessons. I listened to my father criticize me for not being good enough to continue lessons then the next day explain that he just signed me up to play in sacrament meeting. He would scold me constantly. He doesn't do any of that anymore and I am not trying to blame this insecurity on my father because as often as we disagree and don't get along I do love him and he does so much for me. But, I have never been able to sight read, just like I am a slow actual reader. It's something that just never came. It's so hard to get asked to play piano in sacrament meeting or even relief society because I am always afraid I will have something picked to play that I will completely butcher. This is why I keep my piano playing "in the closet" I play at home around the people that I know won't judge me and I don't risk the embarrassment of screwing up a beautiful piece in public but I can still play it and feel the wonderful peace that music brings me. As a matter of fact. I am just going to post this as is and play some piano right now. I choose happiness :) 

Memories

I just wanted to post this video. I have been scrapbooking almost all evening and I have had so much time to reflect on the past two years of my life because primarily I was scrapbooking from awhile back.I even ditched some people I was going to hang out with. (no regrets) But, I came across this video as well because I was thinking about it. Good times with my amazing FHE group last winter semester :) I am so happy! I love it!!!!

The Trejo's

I'm so obsessed with this couple. An amazing friend of mine told me about these videos today and I've been watching them for WAY too long. But, I still love them! I want to be that happy :) 

Life is good.

Life is good. Right now that's all that's important. :) A blog in greater detail will come within the next few days! I love life. I choose happiness. 

Potential

Today I have had a lot of time to think for multiple reasons. But, I've mostly been thinking about potential. My sister in law and I had a really great conversation last night and we were discussing the potential of a person in general. Everyone has such a wonderful potential. No one is perfect obviously. But, if you can look at someone and see their potential it can really help you to understand someone and feel love for them even when you don't even like the person. Sometimes when we feel a certain way about a certain person we just need to think about their potential. Think about the person that they could be in their own progression of life. I'm now thinking about my own potential. I don't really know what it is. I don't know what my Heavenly Father has in store for me. But, I do know that I have a lot of things that I have thought about and I have a lot of personal goals that I will not stray to achieve. My main goal is to have a personal relationship with my Heavenly Father that is unwavering. I want to get at this spiritual high and always keep that importance as number one in my life. I want to find a man that has those same values and has that same importance. We can marry and have those same values where we can strengthen each other in a marriage and always have the Lord first in our lives. I want to be able to look at my spouse and truly know that he loves the Savior and only wants to do what the Lord would have him do. I need someone who is spiritually strong and can help me with my spiritual weaknesses and I can help him with his spiritual weaknesses. I want to be as much of a benefit to him as he is to me. Now that I have sort of tangent-ed to my "perfect man" I might as well continue. I need someone that is constantly showing me how much he cares. I am so insecure and I know I am. I need that reassurance constantly. And words just don't really do it for me. I feel like someone can tell me over and over again that they love me, daily, hourly even. But, if I don't feel their love through their actions I feel a lot different and a lot less loved. It's those love language things. One of mine has to be quality time I think is what it is. Because if you sacrifice to spend time with me that's when I feel loved. The other thing that I need in a man is someone that I can trust and rely on always. Someone that when they aren't with me I'm not constantly thinking about what they are doing and worried about them. I need someone motivated  who knows what they want and do that. I need someone who knows how to work and provide for themselves.I think that's enough tangent for now... But, anyway potential is something that needs to be seen and thought about. That's definitely something that I am currently thinking about. But, throughout all of these random thoughts in this post. I am just so grateful for my wonderful family. Seriously. They are so great. Especially my brother in law. Today my brother in law has been there for me 200%. He was right there for me every single time. I love feeling close to him as well as the rest of my family. I am so grateful for all of the things that my family constantly does for me. They are there for me when life is good and they are even more there for me when life isn't good. I love it. Even though a lot of hurtful things have happened today. Their love has wrapped around me and helped me stay strong. The missionaries also came over this evening and shared a wonderful message. The Lord helped me so much as well. The message they shared was for me from the Lord. I am so grateful for them and the spirit that they bring into my household. I love them so much. I choose happiness. Because being upset just isn't worth my time. 

Money Money Money

Being in such a hard place financially for so long has been so annoying. I am now applying for schools all over the place and I have realized that I hate application fees. Seriously, you're going to charge me money to apply to your school even if I don't get in? Then, if I do get in you'll just take the rest of my money. Dang, why is college so expensive?! Sheesh. it's absolutely ridiculous. I hate it. But, you gotta do what you gotta do. As I have been applying for all sorts of jobs and looking at a bunch of different schools I have gotten really nervous and really excited for my future. I really don't know what it has in store for me and I guess that's really the most exciting part about it! I have NO idea what is going to happen next in my life. But, whatever it is I know it's what God wants for me and I will find myself doing exactly what He wants me to do. Because He is what is most important to me. I love Him with all my heart and I cannot wait for what lies ahead. His opinion is the only one that actually matters to me. I feel like lately a lot of people have been telling me their opinions about what they believe I should be doing with my life. Saying that they think I should be going to school right now. Well, sorry but you don't understand the whole story, if you would ask I would love to tell you all about it. But, you haven't cared to ask. That's okay though. Because...  I choose happiness :) 

True feelings of the heart and thoughts of the mind

This is going to be one of those posts where I am putting my heart and soul into it because that's what I need to do at this point. I need to dig a little deeper and figure out what is actually going on in my head. My boyfriend Stephen and I have had issues to work out since... hmmm.... dare I say the beginning? Okay, maybe not the beginning but the beginning month or so. When we first started dating we weren't really going on dates. We just jumped into this doing nothing couple. We never really did anything besides lay around and watch LOST. Which by the way is an amazing show! I highly recommend it! So, he ended up breaking up with me just a short month after we were official. We were broken up for 4ish days. But, those 4 days were pretty defining for the way the rest of our relationship was going to go. After that we were so committed. Once we were back together there was definitely something deeper there. It was really a good relationship, we found out what was really important and we went from there. Then, I made a mistake. When we all went to Utah I decided to see Andrew (if I were to have blogged in January I would have talked about the conflicting feelings I had between Stephen and Andrew... here's the short version... Andrew in a sense gave me an ultimatum and said okay neither of us are getting over one another so we kind of either need to be all in or all out. He lives in Provo and obviously I live in Nebraska. So, how could we possibly work. But, he really expected me to move to Utah and he would come visit so we could figure out if we really wanted each other. But, this happened all around the complicated time with Stephen. We weren't official but we might as well have been. In the end I didn't have good feelings about ditching Stephen for Andrew and I told Andrew not to come visit. A few weeks after that Stephen and I were officially together. So, I knew where I was and what I wanted. Then, when Stephen broke up with me, I sort of turned to Andrew and knew I was going to Utah and made plans with him for when I was coming.) But, anyway... Andrew and I spent a lot of time together out of the first part of my Utah trip. And I had told Stephen Andrew and I's background in the past just not while we were in Utah. So, I asked for permission and told him exactly what him and I did. And NO I did not cheat on Stephen with Andrew. I would never cheat on someone I am committed to, ever. But, I felt so guilty just spending time with him because while I was with him all I wanted to do was spend more time with him. Once I realized that was how I felt I didn't see him after that. It was for the best. I needed to focus on Stephen and Stephen only.  But, even with that I felt uneasy. I was immediately nit picking at Stephen no matter what he what he did I was picking at it. Then, once I realized what I was doing that I snapped myself out of that. I've realized whenever you get into that stage there is no coming back unless you jump out immediately. The people we are surrounded by are HUMAN just like me and if I am nitpicking that's just saying, hey you aren't perfect and even though it's impossible for you to be perfect you need to be perfect! That is just asking to be nit picked at. I cannot even try to be nit picky about myself because that list would go on for EVER and EVER. I really can't imagine how long it would really be. It would be disastrous! Anyway I snapped out of that really quick and things were really great with Stephen and I with the exception of me being crazy. That would describe different days. But last night I was especially crazy. So crazy that we didn't text goodnight and we haven't said anything to one another today. I don't know what he's thinking obviously. But, I know I have been thinking a lot. But, of course my mind has already gone to the worst possible circumstance. The fact that this could be the end. My craziness I can only imagine has gotten to be too much for him. That we will stop trying to make it work and we are just to the point of giving up. Quoting Stephen, "I didn't give us a fair chance and I want to. I didn't run at the first difference between us and I don't know when enough is enough. I'm scared that I might be right even if we were to try with a conscious effort to find our similarities and common ground." The end little chunk is what I'm afraid is more than likely going through his head right now. I keep thinking if I was on the other end of my craziness how I would react. I probably would be done and fed up. But, it's always hard to put yourself in someone else's shoes.
I have talked about my craziness enough from the last few posts, so I want to kind of break it all down and decide why I am going so crazy. I'm thinking of all my issues in general right now and the first thing that comes to mind is nursing school. Watching everyone around me go to school, so close to graduating with a four year degree... Freaking out that I haven't recieved my diploma from BYU-Idaho and they haven't gotten back to me in weeks about anything. I'm so concerned that now I am out of school and feel like I don't have any direction with my life. I know what I want to do, but I am so afraid to do it. I don't want to be rejected from my dreams. I have no self confidence in this department. The direction with Stephen too is not sure, I mean I don't know how it would be sure, but I'm just in the dark about everything it seems. Work is difficult and I am sick of getting treated like a rag doll. They don't really give me any reason to want to stay. They know I know what I'm talking about and they take advantage of that. They take advantage of the fact that I need money so they constantly ask me to work late. It's so frustrating. More work also just equals more stress and less time to do the things I really need to keep up on. Things like cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, spending time with Stephen, and seeing my family and friends. It's just I believe that people should not work more than 40 hours a week. But, who only works 40 hours a week? Really America is quite a bit different. We all work away our lives, we have to keep busy, so we do keep busy. I feel like I may be stretched too thin. When I'm not working I spend the majority of my time with Stephen. Which isn't a bad thing, but it seems like even things like personal scripture study are pushed aside because I go see Stephen instead. None of this is his fault of course. But, I think as long as he still wants me this needs to change. I need to see my family more than I do. I need an occasional girls night without him. I need personal time to just be at home to do laundry and all that fun stuff. I am gaining weight very regularly. I don't know what it is, well I do. I love food and when I should be exercising I have been relaxing. I need to change that aspect but I don't have the right desires. I have goals that I haven't reached. This is a more broad point. Things like my relationship with my Heavenly Father are not where I want them to be. Including scripture study and prayer, it isn't where it should or where I want it to be. From a different perspective I have wanted to run in a half marathon this summer and progress just hasn't happened there. I seem to get these good plans set, then it all goes out the window because I need to catch up on things at home or feel like I haven't spent enough time with Stephen.
Speaking of Stephen (shoot, when am I not speaking of Stephen..) I really want to just talk to him right now. I need someone to talk all of this out with and he would be the perfect person. But, I don't really fully understand what happened last night other than the fact that I had previously expressed it was too late to start something and he still wanted to do something, so we did. Then, when I naturally started falling asleep he asked why we did something starting so late and I just kind of picked up and left. We didn't really even say goodbye. That's never good. It wasn't really unsettling until now. I don't know what to do. Hopefully something will be figured out. I dug out a bunch of issues I have and if I kept going I would never stop writing so I'm going to call it good and move on with my day. But, I'm trying to choose happiness. :) 

Crazy Crazy

Well, I should stop starting out my blogs with I haven't written in awhile. Because that should just be understood by now that most likely I won't be saying much very often.  But, I am going to say something now. This is titled crazy crazy because I AM CRAZY CRAZY. Absolutely nuts. I don't remember what Stephen told me exactly but it was something along the lines of I need to cool down when we were out at dinner tonight. I was all sorts of fired up. But, it all started with me trying to organize a group hang out. I have realized time after time I cannot organize anything with a group of people. Especially when it's at Buffalo Wild Wings. My brother's surprise birthday party in December was supposed to be at Buffalo Wild Wings... so much for that. it was a disaster and tonight trying to get a group of friends together was a disaster as well. So, I was stressing all about that because I accidentally fell asleep for an hour (story of my life... I can't stay up for anything anymore. I don't know what happened to me but I must be turning into an old woman. The old women at work are really changing me to become like them.). But, eventually we did go to Buffalo Wild Wings (just Stephen and I after I failed with the group gathering completely) and it was pretty great except for me being completely NUTS. But, I do have one thing to blame this moodiness on and that would be PMS. Yupp, I'm using it and I'm writing about it on a public blog. I'm going to try to explain it so men who don't understand women's mood changes can get a little bit of insiders on it. Not that I am specifically reaching out to anyone. More than anything this is just a vent session with my thoughts, trying to understand why things are the way they are and why I am where I am right now.
So, when I am going crazy it's like someone just left the kitchen sink on with the plug and there is no way to go shut the water off. All you can do is wait for it to overflow. Then, the only way to stop it is to shut the water in the whole house off which is really complicated for some reason. But, basically I get set in one place and I can't stand what's going on. It really doesn't matter what the situation is, big or little if it is even remotely disturbing to my happiness, that's it. I can't do it. The sink is stopped and overflowing I'm done for. I am actually so nervous for whenever I am pregnant because I am going to be one of those absolutely insane pregnant ladies that is just super grumpy and needy. I am not really looking forward to being THAT at all. Now, children I'm excited for.
But, that's kind of exactly what happened today. I'm so crazy. But, I've only been home for about a half an hour and I already have it all under control. I'm not even a little bit upset. I'm also happy. But, it didn't matter all night I was trying to just be happy, but for some strange reason I just couldn't do it. Now, don't get me wrong. I was happy all night. I just had a few other issues. I was just letting my craziness overpower me. Can I get a YIKES. A new goal is just to be able to get this craziness under control. I'm really thinking I will get there. Any emotion can be controlled. Now, I just need to be more actively choosing happiness and life will be much simpler. I need to fight through these ridiculous stages of PMS emotion and just be happy! I think that I need to be a little better in other aspects of my life first. :) Now for onto CHOOSING HAPPINESS :) :)