Be Happy

This is my first post in awhile. I have been really caught up in what's that called again? Oh yeah.. LIFE. But, nothing exciting at all has happened. So, it's not like I have to catch up my blog with "all that's happened" which is a huge plus really. I have been thinking a lot lately though. I've been making those long four hour drives by myself to Utah weekly and I have had so much time to think. And the other day I was thinking about how happy I was and how great life was when you were happy. I wasn't exactly having everything in my life perfect, as a matter of fact a lot of things were semi falling apart at the time. But, since I take pain medications often for my headaches all my roommates were wondering why I was spreading the word about happiness. I was happy that day and I DID NOT CARE WHO KNEW IT. It was really great actually. It was a glimpse of the old Amanda back in my life. And by the old Amanda I sadly do not mean the skinny faced, skinny stomach, and no muffin topped hips Amanda. Just the happy Amanda, which is really the most important one. But, the issue with all of that is really that I have not been the (so I've been called) "Happy Go Lucky Amanda" I once was. But, I think it was last Friday I was for the first time in quite awhile. It felt great. I felt free. Then, it faded again when I went to work on Saturday. I've really noticed a difference in my life since I have been working on the weekends and the shifts I have on the weekends are 12 hour shifts. So I work from 8 AM to 8 PM. So, because of that work time I am not able to go to my ward for church. But, lucky for me on Sundays at my work members from the nearby ward come by and hold a church service at the assisted living facility I work at. So, every Sunday I get to sing hymns (sometimes play the piano or lead music for them), partake of the sacrament, and listen to a short talk. It isn't real church, but it's a lot more than what others get through working on Sundays so I am grateful for that. But, I have noticed a huge void in my life. I'm missing the most important things because I am missing church. It's extremely disappointing, but I have made it through this semester and I have surely learned my lesson. No more missing church. I also want to be more careful about what Sundays I work and how long. I used to be really good about staying focused on the Savior even while I was just working 8 hour shifts at home, attending the full church service, and being better with my personal relationship with my Savior. But, I am hoping I can just avoid working on Sundays period when I get home. I'll see how successful I get I suppose. But, who knows.

So, anyway this upcoming week is finals week and I'm really NOT excited at all. I wish that I wasn't working on Monday and  Wednesday so I could just be fine and not have to worry about working, but it's alright because I desperately need the money, so I'll make it all work. But, the sooner it's over the sooner I'm in Nebraska with my family. Now, beyond that there isn't much for me in Nebraska, but that's okay. I'm going to make the most out of it and hopefully I can better plan my future and figure out about this whole CYST THING. Yeah, I've briefly mentioned my cyst in my sinus before and when I go see another ENT in Nebraska I'll really be able to figure out if that's an issue with my head or not. Who knows, but I"m hoping I can find out who knows and they can help me out. 

Of course because I always bring up boys, I must bring them up real quick. They are everywhere, asking me on dates all over the place. They want to date me for whatever reason. And I have absolutely no interest. My problem? I have absolutely no idea. But, hopefully one day I'll figure it out. The main problem I have is all these boys that keep coming after me I have no interest for, but other ones... I've definitely had some interest in a few of them. Not anything serious, and nothing that any of them have known, but they just don't happen. I'm not just about to make any moves on any boys. They are going to have to come to me sadly, I'm a bit picky when it comes to that now. But, who knows maybe I'll grow out of this odd stage.

So, on the bright side. I have started to train for a half marathon. Yup, you read that correctly a HALF MARATHON. I have tried this before, but this time is different. This time I'm fatter than I've ever been and have so much motivation it's ridiculous!  I'm actually getting really really excited for this. My brother is training as well and we're planning on finding a race when I get home so we can sign up for it in March. I'm going to be running a half marathon in less than 5 months! It's so crazy awesome! I'm so stoked! Running really keeps me happy and eliminating that from my life the past year or so I think has really messed me up a bit. But, I'm getting back on track. Getting closer and closer to finding the old Amanda again! SHE WILL RETURN. I choose happiness :) 

My Dark Side

This video is pretty much how I've felt this weekend. I love expressing myself through music! I really just wish I could go and play the piano like I did yesterday with my grandma. I don't even know what's going on with me, but I'm having a lot of issues with my personal DARK SIDE. I'm being extremely dramatic and choosing to be hurt by stupid things. But, I'm getting back to that happy place... soon. I really will eventually choose happiness.

Working my life away

So, I haven't posted this WHOLE SEMESTER. It's kind of sad, but completely excusable. I have been more busy this semester than any other semester my whole college career. I'm not sure why, but I have ridiculous amounts of homework. So, pretty much I'm either at class, work, at home doing homework, or breaking boys' hearts. It's been so hard. I feel like boys keep perusing me and I keep not wanting them to pursue me. I'm not interested in any relationship at all. I don't just say that either, it's not one of those with an exception. My life is so crazy busy I don't have the time for a relationship! I'm sorry boys, but this girl is staying single, unless you REALLY think you want a girlfriend that will never be around, like ever. Trust me, I'm not worth it. I'm in such an emotional state that it doesn't even matter just about everything I have a hard time connecting to. My emotions are about shot from the year I have had. But, it's alright I'll make it through I'm pretty sure. 2012 sure will be a year I'll remember forever. So many life defining experiences have shaped me into who I am this year. With falling in love, almost getting engaged/married, my health issues, my busy schedule, being so poor I don't go grocery shopping for weeks, having friends total my car and having to go through a period without one then having to go through the process of getting a new one, sort of reverting to my old quiet self, breaking hearts, finding so many things to be insecure about, and so much more. It's been absolutely insane. In a way I want to just get rid of all the memories so I don't have to know so many things that have happened. How can so much change in just one year?! I can't believe it!
It's too bad that this semester seems to be so different from all the rest. I have friends, but not many because I have basically no time to hang out with anyone. So, hanging out with people really isn't in the picture. It's been really rough. In the past I have been known as the "man stealer" I made up the title because I don't know how else to describe it. Basically my roommate and I have very similar taste in men and whenever she likes a boy and he comes over to our apartment for whatever the reason the boy begins to be interested in me, then it just creates a big drama fest whether or not I'm even interested in the guy. It's been brought up so many times this semester I can't help but constantly think about it. So, this semester I haven't even been invited to hang out with my roommates much. Which in a way is good because then I have more time to do my homework alone without distractions. But, also as of last weekend 3 of my roommates got boyfriends. If you are not aware of BYU-I living arrangements that is half of my apartment. There are 3 bedrooms and one roommate in each room got a boyfriend last weekend, Either Saturday, Sunday, or Monday. So, it's been extra lonely. But, it's alright because I press on. I may not always have a smile on my face, but I assure you I am happy deep down somewhere. Don't take this section about boys make you think that I want a relationship though. Truthfully I just want roommates that can be my friends and stay my friends. Or boys that will hang out with me and not want to date me eventually for once. This goes back to an older post of mine. GUYS AND GIRLS CAN BE FRIENDS. Guys just have to make it complicated and choose not to be friends with girls they aren't interested in. Especially the boys with extremely high dating standards. It's just hard to be unattractive sometimes, or to be a friend to a guy who wants much more than friendship. Sometimes I just want to scream.
Sheesh, it's official I'm a rambler. But, this time it was mostly on purpose because I got sick of not seeing any new posts on my blog. Someday I'll get more deep posts going again. But, most likely not anytime soon especially since now I'll be working 36 hours each week, plus my classes and homework = NO LIFE or time to blog. Anyway, I choose happiness :)

David again

I love his music. This is an AMAZING video!!! He's so amazing! Amazing song. I can't wait to get his album once I get to Idaho which is only in TWO WEEKS!!! :)

I. HATE. LOVE.

Don't get confused by the title!! I'm happy :) Basically I had a shocker today. Well, just a few hours ago actually. I thought I was over someone, and I got sort of a stab in the heart. But, it wasn't his fault because in actuality he didn't do anything. I just found out a few things I really didn't want to know. Sometimes I hate facebook for that exact reason. Sometimes it would be awesome just to NOT HAVE FACEBOOK. But, at the same time... Facebook is pretty great and I can't deny it.

Anyway... my point is that I hate falling for someone and even months later having those feelings rush back then having a few regrets. Now, I'm debating the title.. either I hate regrets or love. Hmmm.... Well LOVE is fantastic while you're in it. But, for me at least it seems like it is always  short lived. (okay, not always.. but for me) I am not trying to point it toward anyone else. But, when I was first dating we weren't allowed to steady date. I felt like people at church were constantly watching me and making sure I was living by the standards of not dating the same person. But, no matter what I was actually doing there were many people that said things about me. And worst of all they would tell my friend's parents or my own. So, of course the word always came right back to me. I know that now I'm 20 and I've been able to date the same person for awhile now without heads turning at church or bad things being said about me... but I think deep down the transition is weird. I don't know this is a rambling post that is completely for me and as I'm writing I'm trying to make sense of my emotions. I was so close to being ready to get married one minute and the next I was done and ready to move on. I think I could have stuck it out and still be with him, especially after the reminder today. But, while I was in it all I wanted was out. It's so weird to even think about this at all. But, when these days come back and the feelings of regret come about I absolutely hate it. I know it doesn't help because the mormon culture pressure for marriage is eating at me constantly. But, I can't help but resist. I know I'm not ready, so I'm not about to jump into something I'm not prepared for. But, this day will pass and again I'll be over the situation. But, I think no matter the relationship there is always going to be some sort of loss that exists. I have felt it multiple times. Even when I'm the one who ends the relationship. Then, there's the period where I go crazy single and I just go on a few dates. It's annoying, I need to figure that part out. But, then I get right back into a relationship. I need to slow it down and chill out. I have been strongly considering a mission. I have wanted to serve for quite some time, but it's getting to be real. I can turn in my papers in just a few short months. But, the pondering continues... I'm afraid part of the reason I have a desire to go is because I am so afraid of relationships and marriage. (as pointed out to me by a good friend of mine) That is the absolute worst reason to serve a mission. But, really it doesn't matter what I want to do, it matters what the Lord wants me to do. I need to better prepare to be His tool here on Earth first. Then, I'll figure out everything else with it.
But, as for today, even just writing about it I feel better. I love just writing down my feelings. Sometimes I feel like no one listens. I LOVE LISTENING. So, I feel like often times people come to me so they can have someone that listens, (and I won't ever want to NOT be considered the listener because I still enjoy it and I love the connection with friends when I have the opportunity to listen/give what little bit of advice I have for them) but when it comes to having a conversation about my feelings and my issues, it just doesn't happen. If it does it's a short thing and it is pretty superficial. Sometimes I wish I could just open up to anyone and everyone would listen to me and help me with my issues. But, instead I put it online for me to remember how I was feeling at certain points in my life. Watch my triumphs and my many many fails. Anyway I go up to Rexburg in a few short weeks and  I'll be surrounded by relationships. So, I'll just have to GET OVER IT. I can hate relationships and love. But, I'm going to need to get used to being surrounded by a lot. This next semester I plan on focusing just on finding good friends around me. I'm excited to be in a new ward and meet many new people. I can't wait to have this headache gone (or at least covered up with my pain medicine) and feel normal around people again in Rexburg. I feel like I haven't been there forever. Oh wait, that's because I haven't lived there for more than 2 weeks at once since MARCH. Oh wow, things change so quickly. But, I choose happiness :) Life is good and I have so much to be happy about! 

Things don't always turn out the way you plan

I remember a few years ago I was in high school and everyone was getting ready to go on missions. Then, I got to be a senior and they were leaving like crazy. Half of my friends were gone out of the  state at least, not to mention everyone that left for college. But, I remember thinking about how things would be when all of them got back from their missions and things could "finally get back to normal". Oh boy, I had NO idea what was coming. Everyone talks about how boys turn into men on their missions, they mature and become the people they were born to be... blah blah blah... But, they never tell you how it is when you're writing them on their missions, or how sometimes they come back COMPLETELY different. I wrote almost all of my friends while they were on missions. But, they problem with writing boys is they assume that if you are writing them that you're interested. Actually I constantly have that issue with boys. Whether or not they are on a mission boys constantly get the wrong idea about me. They always think I like them. I don't understand apparently I must be some extreme flirt or something. Okay, I'll admit I am a flirt. But, I think it is so far into my nature that I don't even know a lot of the times when I am flirting. But, the unintentional flirting seems to be what gets taken as real flirting. For whatever reason boys  don't think that boys and girls can be "just friends" this video is the "proof". But, I still don't think that's true. BOYS AND GIRLS CAN JUST BE FRIENDS. Seriously, they
 can.


                             
Now, clearly this video is edited and made to make it seem that only women say that they can be friends and men say they can't. But, it's still a funny video and makes it seem like they can't be friends. But, really it's because people just constantly choose to read into things. When you read into things that people say and do, you're going to have an issue and you'll find your friendship on the rocks. But, if you keep it at a friendship you're always safe. You won't get hurt, and you won't have to worry about ruining a friendship in the end. Wow, that was some blabbing, ,but hopefully it made a little sense.

Well, now it's been over two years... boys (well I guess "men") are coming back from missions monthly it seems like. They have been returning for awhile now. It's so weird. I almost miss writing them sometimes. Soon I'm not going to have anyone to write. I have been slowly running out of people for awhile. I haven't started writing new people for over a year now. Meaning I'll be done writing missionaries in about a year. That is until my own children hopefully go on missions. But, since I'm not getting married forever I'm definitely not counting down until my future son or sons go on missions. It really doesn't seem to be in my even close to near future. I'll just continue to watch all of the people around me get married. It's a good thing I love attending weddings! :D because it's going to continue for awhile...

Anyway the POINT of this post... hopefully I'll finally get to it! :) over two years ago I figured that this point in time would be the greatest time ever! And instead 2012 has been a terrible year. I have felt that thing after thing has happened this year. Don't get me wrong I have been happy and I am not complaining about my life and I know things are the way they are supposed to be. But, sometimes it's hard to think about how things could be especially when sometimes the way that things could be are the way that I sometimes wish they were. Especially when trials are following me like crazy... I can't seem to hide for very long from them they just continue to overcome my life. But, of course this is only if I allow them to. But, recently I have realized what I have been dwelling on doesn't and shouldn't matter. People change on their missions as I have said and sometimes moving on is better than doing anything else. Yes, I have moved on in certain ways already, but eventually I will fully move on and find someone better. It has to happen someday. I just need to be patient with my life. I need to live and not worry about the past...

Oh and an on update on the boy drama since I said I would... I was just hung up on the past... the distant past and I just need some time still to get my heart to move on and current situations were not helping because it was making me want the past even more. But, finally boys in my life are non-existent. And at this point in time I intend to keep it that way. :) I will just be working and going to school this fall. I will be a HERMIT as said by some old roommates. :]

As for today. I choose happiness :D :D :D :D 

SOOOOOO excited!!

This is a video I made over a year ago just about. It's about me and my 3 best friends. Marissa, Kristina, and Shaela. I love them SOOOO much. They make me SOOOOO happy!! :D Seriously in general friends are just the greatest. Sure, you go through rough patches.. but you MAKE IT! This week has been wonderful preparing for Kristina's wedding which is on Saturday! I cried when she came out in her wedding dress on Sunday I'm not gonna lie. But, I am sooooo happy! Preparing for all the parties and appointments this week has been wonderful. I absolutely LOVE being a bridesmaid!! I can't wait to PARTY IT UP on Saturday! :) I love my friends. I'm so glad I have them. Especially since right now a lot of hard memories have been popping up into my thoughts and they distract so well. Because when I am so caught up in choosing happiness I have no time to choose sadness! I LOVE THEM!!!! :] I choose happiness :) I am so blessed!!!! 

Alex G is amazing!

I am really having some struggles with boys right now. I'm getting pulled back and forth I feel like. But, I can only think about one right now and this song really does it all for me. I'm in love with her :) lucky for me a good friend introduced me to Alex G, She is absolutely wonderful!!! :]

I'll explain my drama in my next post, but for now I choose happiness.

Living one day at a time

I feel like I have been posting on here a whole lot because I started a New Testament class awhile ago and I have been posting every week for that on its page, but I haven't don't an OFFICIAL blog post in about a month and a half and I feel like I could post forever. Because this past month and a half ish has felt like forever. I can't even believe it actually. I'll probably stay up forever tonight, write a bunch of posts and just randomly post them later. But, at the same time I have absolutely no idea what I'll do. Actually, that phrase is the perfect transition into what's been happening with me. This past month or so I have been living that way, not having any idea what I'm doing or what I'll be doing in the near future, and I especially don't know what I'm doing in the far future! It's actually been really annoying more than anything... So, I have to tell the story.. So, I planned to go to Provo then up to Idaho with a few friends from Nebraska. We drove up to Provo spent a night up there and a day then left in the evening on a Sunday. So, we made it fine to Provo and then drove up to Rexburg the next day. My car had been hanging out at my apartment complex because I had to come home so suddenly for my headache that I had to fly and literally leave my life behind. (I say life because I had to leave JOSH COOK, my job, my apartment, friends, and car then come to Nebraska with none of those.) Anyway, so we spent a few days in Rexburg. I got to see a few people I hadn't hung out with in awhile and it was a blast. Oh and I got JAMBA JUICE, nothing can beat that!! :] It was a great week.. here's a break from my rambles and a few pictures from my week. (I want more pictures in my posts...)

                                             mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm :]

                                                      GOTTA love JAMBA!!!

                                                   I went rock climbing :) YES!

                                            

                                             Got to hang out with some old buddies ;]

                                   







I LOVE KIWI LOCO! It's the greatest frozen yogurt... yes better than orange leaf and red mango.. sorry but it's a fact of life! PLUS the whole place is green... ya can't beat that! :)

 

We also went to Sammy's :) DELICIOUS!

I really really missed Rexburg and realized it even more once I got there! It was an amazing week. It did get a little stressful because I wasn't used to so many distractions from homework so I got a little stressed when homework due dates came up.. but I definitely made it through the week! But, Thursday night was a little sad... Marissa and I were going to watch Breaking Dawn [don't judge] and I had taken quite awhile to convince Marissa to watch it. She had read the books but wouldn't watch this movie, I admit that they are not super good movies that I would want to watch over and over again. But, they are just cheesy enough for me (except the first Twilight BLECK!) So, I spent a decent amount of time convincing Marissa to watch it and by the time I had her set and we found someone who had the movie... I got a phone call from a friend. He had borrowed my car and the second I saw he was calling my heart sunk. I looked at Marissa and said, it's Kyle, they got in an accident. So, I answered and on the other line I first hear,
"Hey Amanda, you aren't going to like this but we got in an accident with your car."
My heart sunk even more and I started to sort of freak out. But, I only freaked out internally. I started asking where he was, how bad the damage was... exc. Then, all of a sudden I was speaking with a police officer who was giving me directions to my wrecked car. Kyle on the phone said it was bad, but I still wasn't expecting the worst for some reason. I was really calm once we left our apartment. I was just focused on what I had to do because it was my car and I had to get done whatever had to be done to get my car fixed. We could see the police lights from a few miles away. It was real... it wasn't a dream (well nightmare). We arrived at the scene of the accident and traffic had to slow down and get around it because it took up a good portion of the road. The first thing I saw was the glass on the ground. I started to freak out, meaning tears and hyper-ventilating. I'm so glad Marissa was there because she suggested that we say a prayer. She said, "do you want me to say it?" and I said yes. It was amazing what spirit was brought into that car! I wiped my tears away and it was like they were never there to begin with. It was amazing what tender mercies we receive when we ask (or our best friend asks in my case). I took a deep breath, opened the door and walked over to the accident. I felt bad because I realized I hadn't asked them how they were and if anyone was even hurt. So, I asked them first thing and apologized for not asking sooner. They were all okay though THANK GOODNESS! (oh yeah, my car was full so there were 5 people in there!) Then, the police officer talked to me a bit and checked out the damage. This was it... (some weren't from the day of..)

 So basically that's the damage... Kyle was making a U-turn and got t-boned by an older woman who passed the double yellow lines to try to pass him a little faster because he looked like he was turning right. Her car didn't look much better than mine =( We were there for awhile I can't remember how long. But, my car wasn't drivable obviously. So, we had to watch it get towed away. It was sad, but it worked out I made it through. The next thing I had to worry about were the doctors appointments I had in Salt Lake City the next morning. Luckily I have MARISSA (the greatest friend in the entire world!!!) First she was going to drive me to Salt Lake, then she realized she had class and couldn't. Then, she was going to lend me her car to drive and her mom wasn't comfortable with it. I called way too many rental car places and it was really difficult. Especially because you need to be 21 to rent cars and I'm only 20 and it was 11 something at night so everything was closed and I couldn't wait until they opened the next morning. Then, I decided to get a salt lake express ticket to get to the airport and I was hoping I could rent a car once I got to the airport. When I got to the airport the next day I couldn't rent a car underage. There were some websites that let you rent underage.. but not the airport! Grr. I was getting really frustrated. I felt extremely alone. But, I finally ended up paying for a cab to take me to my appointment which ended up being more than my shuttle ticket. It was quite frustrating financially. But, I will make it through I hope. Then, another tender mercy came into my life. A friend from Nebraska who is from Utah's parents (Kynzi) let me borrow their car! It was a HUGE blessing! I was able to borrow it to get to my second appointment. I made it through my appointments for the day and I made it to Provo to stay where I had a blast! :) I actually really like Provo! It's a fun city! But, anyway I found out I had to stay for a week because of doctors so I ended up being able to borrow Kynzi's parents' extra car for a week and stay in Provo. It was such a tender mercy! I had a good week doing random things. I'll do a separate posts for my Provo adventures, but I'm definitely grateful for TENDER MERCIES. Without them I would be struggling so much more. Anyway so I went through a week of treatments and a friend I was hanging out with while in Provo had a friend who was driving up to Rexburg the upcoming weekend so I thought i was going to be able to go with her, but she ended up bailing out a day before because she was busier than she thought. I was again blessed to be able to use the car I was borrowing and drive it to Rexburg and back after the weekend was over. I packed up my apartment and put it in a storage unit. It was really hard, especially with a headache. The Lord always helps me when I need something done I don't have extreme pain in my head. Sometimes I feel teased, because sometimes I feel like right after the hard (or important) thing is over my bad head pain comes right back. So, through all of this that was happening things could have been A LOT worse, but they weren't because I was very blessed because Heavenly Father loves me! So, anyway... eventually my parents were a little back and forth about me coming home for the fourth of July. (ps...the fourth of July in the Pryor family is THE BIGGEST thing ever! It's our favorite!! And we do it right!) So, last Sunday night my mom and dad told me they had decided to keep me out in Idaho/Utah. So, I accepted that and then the next morning I had a text from my dad saying they gotten me a plane ticket home! It was pretty exciting! :] But, as great as that was it changed my plans again and I had plenty of things to figure out.. so I found a way to Utah and my brother used some hotel points to allow me to stay in a hotel really close to the airport that had a shuttle to the airport I used in the morning. It was an AMAZING night. That will also be talked about in my next post.. Anyway I had a king sized bed and it was definitely on my list of tender mercies. I have had so much help from the Lord. I love him so much and I am so grateful for His love. He is what has gotten me through this difficult time! But, I have been in Nebraska for almost a week now (I flew in on July 4th). It hasn't been super great and I have been struggling with choosing happiness. But, today I have found it!  My smile is back and I can say I am choosing happiness :) And HAPPINESS is so much better than sadness! Happiness is always the best choice! :]

Remember when I said I was over it?

I don't know what is going on this week. But, I have been all over the place emotionally. Thinking at one point that I knew what I wanted and it never was. Nothing in my life feels right. I know all of the guys wanting to date me right now are not right. I don't want any of them. (well right now I don't at least) I make it sound like there are a lot but really there are only 2 that if I called showed up and said, hey! Let's date they would love it. Then, there are others where there are complicated circumstances that make it so I shouldn't and couldn't (shouldn't) actually date. Anyway.. I'm still confused about a lot of stuff. I just know a certain someone is coming back from a mission soon and I don't want to be in the same state as him when he gets home but I'm going to be! I would be okay if he stayed on his mission for the rest of my life so I didn't have to know that there was a possibility of running into him at church activities. I just know how much he doesn't like me and I don't want to face him because I know how much I love him now, it would only get worse and I would hurt more if I saw him again. 

It's Just a Memory: 

They are something to hold on to, 

Something to remember, 

Some make us smile, 

Some make us laugh, 

Some make us angry, 

Some fill us with regret, 

When I think of a specific memory,

I feel the hurt and the pain. 

The love that hasn't left my heart, 

The heart that he still holds. 

The heart I gave him long ago. 

I need to forget,

But, I can't. 

I can't because I don't want to forget. 

I want then to be now. 

I miss the memory, 

I miss that life. 

I miss him. 

But, none of it matters. 

He doesn't miss me. 

He wants nothing to do with me, 

The only problem is I don't know why. 

It makes me want to cry.

I don't know what I did to him,

I would never hurt the one I love.

All I want is his happiness, 

And if that happiness is not with me, 

Then I will find a way to be happy,

Somehow.  

But, still I choose happiness. :)

The Past Four Months- A Relationship I Never Asked For

Well, first of all I want to say that I have started about five or six posts and just never finished them. I really wanted to blog but every time I would start I would feel like I was too overwhelmed with other things to do to be able to finish it, so I never would. But, of course as soon as I decide I wasn't going to make a post I would head straight to Facebook or Pinterest. DANG those things are addicting!!! But, the past is the past and here I am posting...

So, four months and two days ago I woke up with a headache. It wasn't anything extreme that day. I took some pain pills hoping they would help, but it was one of those headaches where it was just too late to take them. So, I just went to sleep and assumed that in the morning it would be gone, since that is what normally happens to me when I have a headache I can just sort of sleep it off. But, this time it was different I woke up the next morning with the same headache bugging me all day at church. Since that day, I have woken up every single day with a headache. I will wake up with one every day and go asleep with the same one, sometimes it will hurt MORE than it did in the morning and sometimes (rarely) it will hurt LESS. But, although I spend every day with this headache we really haven't gotten to know each other as well I as I would have liked. Sometimes I try to avoid it even being around. But, it is like a lost puppy that found a home with me and just WON'T GO AWAY! I really have been over this headache since the day we met. But, it just seems to want to be with me so badly and I can't do anything to make it go away. It has been so frustrating and extremely emotional. I feel so horrible for anyone who has had to be around me during any part of this process (especially my winter semester roommates that had to deal with me on steroids...they made me SO moody!) With all of the frustrating things that have come with this headache, I think the thing that has become the most annoying is not knowing what is causing them and having no treatment. So, here is sort of the journey I have been through with this headache. All of the things that we've been through to try to figure out why things are the way they are and why it won't go away.

 So, January 28^th I woke up with a headache. I have rarely woken up in the morning with a headache, but this one was really weird. It got worse throughout the day and it was a really miserable weekend. Then, it went on every day for a few weeks. It would never go away; I took a bunch of different pain medications and I even mixed different types of meds. (Nothing dangerous… although my roommates got a little afraid for a while and tried to take me to the hospital, they literally carried me out of my apartment once to go in until I finally agreed to go to the doctor if it continued another week...and it did continue). At some point I had the opportunity to receive a blessing and I was told in the blessing that I would be healed and the headache would go away. I went into the doctor and they just gave me an IV with a bunch of different medications in it to “help”. (it was torodol, benedryl, and phenegran)They definitely did not help. So, I went home completely drugged up and slept a lot. I went in on a Friday and then over the weekend my headache got to be so terrible, so I almost went into urgent care, but I decided to wait until Monday just to go back into the regular doctor. So, when they were shocked to see me back they sent me to the hospital for a CT scan of my head. They found a cyst in my sinus so I got referred to an ENT (Ear nose throat doctor) for later that week and was sent home with some MIGRAINE MEDICINE (called fioricet). When I went into that doctor he basically told me that the cyst was large, but it probably was not what was causing the headache because cysts (when they are a problem) they cause more of a localized pain and that was not what I was experiencing. So, he tried some different medications on me to treat a tension headache (steroids and muscle relaxers.) But, those didn't do anything either. A few weeks later I ended up in the hospital because it had never been as bad as it was that day. So, I went to the hospital and they just gave me oral medications (vicadin) plus an IV (with torodol, benedryl, and phenegran again) and had to put me on oxygen. Then, when nothing worked they finally put me on morphine. That helped, although I don’t remember most of the rest of it I was told that I was super crazy and I couldn’t really open my eyes. But, eventually I found myself back at home. But, it was an interesting experience. I woke up the next morning just exhausted and really hurting. It was no fun. So, I went back to the ENT to figure out what was going on. He was confused so he sent me to a neurologist to see if there was anything going on there. I had to wait 2 weeks to get into the neurologist and the whole time I was taking heavy duty pain pills (like vicadin was one) and nothing was even making it go away. So, that same week I also went to get a massage which was relaxing, but still didn’t make anything in my head any better sadly.  By this time it was March. The second week in March or so was when I had my appointment. The week of my appointment I was given a blessing again and the blessing was more specific than the first. It was exactly what I needed to hear at the time and also in it said that I would be healed through modern medicine. So, I knew that I would be healed I just didn’t know how long I would have to wait until that blessing was received fully. The day of my appointment I  walked in to check in and I said my name and the lady was sort of confused, like she had not seen my name anywhere. So, she looks all over in the computer and in her new patient folders for the day. Then she went to a back cupboard and found a sheet of paper with my name on it. Turns out they took my appointment down but never put me in their computer system, so they made another appointment for two weeks later and sent me home. I had to get my boss to cover my shift for work and had to drive a half hour for this appointment so I was pretty ticked off at this doctor's office. But at this point I knew everything was happening for some reason, I just didn’t know what the reason was yet. I called my dad and he said I would be coming home and they would book a flight for that week. I was in shock how quickly my life had just changed drastically. Within 4 days I was in Nebraska instead of Idaho. The flight was awful for my head. They were the two longest flights I had ever taken. My head was throbbing the whole time. I had to put my head between my legs just so I wouldn't scream out of agony. The flight attendants were extremely concerned for me. They came over a lot and asked the people how I was and the people next to me always told me I was sleeping even though I wasn't. I WISH I could have slept! Once I got to Nebraska I had appointments with my primary doctor he tried a few different things and he sent me to a neurologist who gave me a different medication (a beta blocker) that just made me act funny. Then, one day I felt inspired to go to a chiropractor, I had looked up things online before and already had a specific office in mind. I went there and they were so intrigued with my case. It was crazy. So, this was the end of March and I was supposed to go back in two weeks from the first time I went in. I failed a test that they did on one of my arteries called a declines test and they were worried I had a stroke. So, they did light treatments on me just in case I had suffered more than what it may have seemed. I had my boyfriend come out to Nebraska so my mom had me drive back to Idaho with him so he didn’t have to go alone and I came right back here 4 days after I was in Idaho, so it was a quick trip. But, then I came back and I kept getting treatments from the chiropractor, three times a week, every week, they were trying everything they knew. I got a test done (called a dopler) on my artery and there was not any blockage, meaning I didn’t suffer from a stroke. It was nice to know that that wasn't the issue, but at the same time I almost WISH there was something major and obvious wrong just so I would know what to do to treat it. I was just having weird headaches every single day. Then, about two weeks ago I started taking some different medications. I went to a different ENT here who gave me different things to take as well. There is a little swelling on my head so I was taking things to lessen the swelling. About a week and a half ago I went to get an MRI done just to make sure nothing was wrong there and mostly I just had a lot of mucous and my cyst was still seen. There wasn't anything else wrong. Now, I have been taking them for a few weeks and I’m finally starting to feel like me again. Well, at least until the past few days. It's been weird, my headache has been back to it's worst. (well almost its worst) I don't know what is happening. But, I'll make it, I know it.

It has just been crazy the past four months of this I have been incredibly blessed. I have been able to be on the receiving side of service and the mercies of God. It’s been absolutely amazing. So many things have helped me, family, friends, the scriptures, church meetings, and especially prayer. I feel like every Sunday my headache is just bearable enough to go to church, then after church it always seems to get worse, but I know that it’s because going to church is SO IMPORTANT. I know that the Lord is watching out for me and I know that all the priesthood blessings I have received throughout these months will be fulfilled. I truly believe that I will someday be healed and someday I will one day wake up and I won’t have a headache. I have been so blessed. I didn't always realize how blessed I was through this experience though. It has been more of a recent discovery (at least the full discovery at least...) I have been able to accept the way that things are and find a way to be happy anyway. I've been making a few new friends here in Nebraska, but I still REALLY MISS my Idaho friends. I have come closer to my Heavenly Father and I have really been able to receive some IMPORTANT personal revelation. My life has some huge changes coming within the next days and months. Once all my big changes are in effect I guarantee I will be blogging about it. But, for now... I CHOOSE HAPPINESS :D :D :D 

Trying to be better

I have a feeling I'm going to be putting up a couple of posts. My thoughts are racing. But, I want to make sure that this story gets out before I babble on about all my thoughts. So, last weekend I was blessed enough to go on a trip to Boise with my favorite person in the world ;] we had a blast all weekend! I was planning on taking lots of pictures but hadn't done super well doing so. We headed back here (to Rexburg) on Monday since Josh didn't have class that day. We drove through Twin Falls and did a bunch of fun things. Twin Falls has an awesome bridge, the temple, and of course Shoshone Falls (my favorite place on earth!) So, we had some WAY super awesome pictures that we took and we were at the temple and I realized I needed to delete some pictures. So, when I did I somehow clicked a delete all in this folder or something. And suddenly all my pictures were GONE! I mean they were no where to be found!! I had amazing pictures from quite awhile on there too.. It was a bummer! And when it happened I got extremely frustrated. I was quite ridiculous! I couldn't believe how I was acting and I was the one being that way! Josh hugged me and told me it was going to be okay. He kindly told me how petty I was being and really made me think. (and yes.. this really was my thought process) Wow, Josh really chooses his happiness, that's awesome! I should write about that on my blog... oh wait! I can't write about it when I'm freaking out! DANG IT!!! Then, I got even a little more frustrated. I don't know how it happened, but somehow I wasn't as frustrated about it later. Especially even right now, I don't care at all! It's fantastic to feel this way. Yes, I would love to have those pictures. But, better than the pictures were all the memories. I used to be able to live life without my camera, then I just got way into scrapbooking and recording, and all those silly things that I think sometimes I put the scrapbooking thoughts in firtst, before I even enjoy myself. But, this week has been better since then. I don't really think that way. I've already noticed a slight difference. Today, Josh and I made a random cake...so of course there was a frosting fight. It was a good one haha. But, afterward I just went to go wash up. Then, all of a sudden Josh goes, "no picture this time?" I couldn't even believe it hadn't run through my head! I actually just enjoyed the moment and enjoyed him. I think he is fantastic! Really really I do!! But, I'm totally choosing happiness! :D And I'm not going to let something little get in the way again!! HAPPINESS IS MY CHOICE I'M MAKING TODAY!!!! 


Oh, and I can't believe I forgot this part of the story... after I deleted all the pictures Josh kindly drove back to Shoshone Falls (we were about 15 minutes away I think.) so that we could replace some of the pictures. So, we got even BETTER ones that way! He is too great! Oh and these are some of them ;]

Serious Now :]

I've been a bit homesick the past two Sundays. I can't decide if it's because I've only been home a total of 16 days in the past 5 months and it will continue to be that long for the next 6, if it's because my birthday is this weekend and I've never NOT been home in NEBRASKA for it... or if it's even because I just feel a little alone. It's weird because I am incredibly happy! But, I'll have these moments where I hear something reminding me of home and I get super bummed. I guess I'm a bit "trunky" for all of you who have served missions. I guess it's not terrible to be trunky when I'm just at school, but still. I really am happy all the people I spend my time with are absolutely AMAZING. I'm so glad that they're so great too though because I know I wouldn't be as happy without them around me. They make my day every day, it's amazing :] Friends are fantastic! I'm still choosing happiness though :] I just miss my family a little bit... 

A wonderful story by Josh ;]

I Amanda, would like to say that I have come to the conclusion that life is amazing. Upon this delightful and adventurous journey I stumbled upon an amazing and life changing discovery. I came upon a hidden treasure that was hidden beneath many many, many!.............layers of amazingness............(just like an ogre has many layers, kinda like an onion).....(but i do not recommend eating a plain onion, it gives you heartburn) Anyways, on with my story. As I staggered through the candy cane forest, across the white frosting rivers, and over the jolly rancher mountains. I finally came to it and there it was right before my very eyes! I could hardly believe it, it took my breath away. I thought to myself, "self, could this be true? Is this really what I see?" And sure enough I heard a voice it was soft and sweet with a slight giggle and it sounded oddly familiar.I looked all around me puzzled from where this voice was coming. I checked my phone, but it was off. I hurriedly put it back in my pocket afraid  that if I did not find the voice soon it would leave. I heard the voice again, but it was slightly fainter this time like it was running away. I spotted yonder a small snow covered hill. I mushed myself on and took off running to the top of the hill. Standing on top of the yonder hill, I again looked around to see if I could see from whence the voice came. Discouraged that I could not find the producer of the noise I sat down upon the soft, cold ground. Sigh sorrow in my eyes I could not find the person. I buried my head in my hands. I was on the edge of giving up. But, as if from nowhere the voice came to me again. It rang through my ears like the bells on Christmas Day. When suddenly I arose and there right before my eyes there it was. The creator of the voice, finally I had found it! And much to my surprise, it was Josh Cook. The creator of this story was also him. The most amazing person in the entire world. He totally wrote this. He's honestly why I'm so happy :] he helps me choose happiness every single day.

MARISSA!

Today has been quite a bummer so far. I just really want to be in NEBRASKA! I want to be able to spend today with MARISSA CAMACHO!!! She is so absolutely amazing! It's crazy to think we've been friends for almost 20 YEARS! (on and off.. hehe I won't remind her of when she ditched me..) She's done so much for me. PERIOD. Seriously, she's amazing and the greatest roommate I ever could have asked for! She's fantastic and as much as she won't say it, she loves me too!! :D  It's her 22nd Birthday today! So, I'll just post some silly pictures of us from over the years. I definitely choose to be happy today! I get to skype her tonight! Plus everything in my life right now is just AMAZING. :D :D :D :D 

Why Life Has to Be Difficult

I've been thinking a lot lately and about a lot of different things. I've been experiencing a lot of changes in my life. I feel like they aren't stopping actually, it's quite frustrating when I think about it. But, I've been thinking about things that are so hard in our lives.  Things that we don't like to go through and we have to endure. I started thinking a little more about things that are great to have in our lives. Then, I was thinking if we didn't have these difficult things in our life, we wouldn't even understand how GREAT life really is! Life is amazing. The things around us are fantastic. Nature is beautiful. We have so many wonderful things. But, without opposition there is no good. Without the terrible things we would have no good. It's wonderful to have terrible things happen to us. Because it makes it so much easier to appreciate the simple, yet miraculous things in our lives! We all really have experiences that follow us each and every day. Things that we just can't get out of our minds. Especially things that have happened to us that effect us often. But, we just have to get up every day like it's the best day of our lives. We need to make each day better than the last. Always realize that happiness does not happen through certain events, happiness happens through thoughts of joy and pushing out the bad and finding the good in everything even when at the time it seems absolutely impossible. And after these thoughts... I choose happiness :]