Some yesterdays seem like YEARS ago that were just last week. Other yesterdays that were years ago feel like they were today. Days tend to run together. Some memories never fade. Some pain just never goes away. You can cover up pain with false happiness but deep down you can know your true feelings. Does it make sense? OF COURSE NOT. But, how do you control it?! YOU DON'T. It doesn't make sense. None of it does, but you can't help but think about it. Constantly. But, you can't talk to anyone about it because you are supposed to just "get over it". Emotions should just run away from you. When people are mean you are supposed to hate them. Well, I realize hate is a strong word, but you're supposed to be angry and not really like them a whole lot. Why can't I hate? Why do I hold on? It's been years and years and it almost seems like it will never go away. No matter how hard I try months and months of trying and a night like tonight it all just rushes back. I don't understand. This is all just wack. I didn't even know how much I didn't want to have this feeling ever again. LOVE. Love is powerful and true love, it will never go away. No matter how hard you try no matter how often it seems so far away. There's always going to be a moment you are caught off guard (mine was today). But, emotions can be controlled (as my roommate says, just get mad at them and get over it!).I don't know how to get rid of it, but I will try day after day to make it leave. I choose happiness and hopefully soon I'll choose to go to bed :]
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Why I decided to choose happiness
I can't believe I'm actually posting this post... I've been sort of working on it on and off for awhile. Trying to decide which parts of my story were too personal and which parts were not. Deciding what to leave out and what to put in. When to be specific and when not to.. but here it is this is when I started to choose happiness and why, it has quite a bit of a back story.
I'm getting close to the year mark of starting this blog. It's marvelous to see the changes in me and the changes in my general life the past year. Starting college and leaving home to go to school 1000 miles away was a huge life decision. It was never really a question whether I would go or not, but at the time when I was supposed to leave I was dating a guy named Zac. [This is him and I]
The quote on the side is actually from a song he wrote about me. I'm going to post an audio of the other song he wrote for me. It's him singing it.
The song was called a Fairy Tale reality he actually had me choose the title before I even knew what I was choosing. He changed the name because we haven't had contact in over a year and a half to Gently.
But, basically practically when I met Palmer I started to like him. I was only in seventh or eighth grade, so I was exploring guys and things I suppose. So, I ended up hopping from guy to guy just about all the way through high school. Breaking guys hearts or getting hurt myself because of my own stupid mistakes. But, every time I would be with a guy I would get a few weeks in and realize all I really wanted was Palmer. I knew I would never have him so realizing what I wanted most of the time made things even worse. But, I still continued to cause heartbreak after heartbreak. It wasn't easy though, because as I would break someone's heart, mine would ache for them and it would also again desire (I totally sound like a creep I promise I wasn't!) Palmer. I feel like the more guys I dated the more I wanted Palmer. It was like this disease that wouldn't go away. Finally, my senior year of high school came along and somehow Palmer and I become amazing friends while I was dating someone else (because I was always dating someone else when guys came into my life anyway). I realized that if I couldn't be with Palmer I could at least handle a friendship, especially since I was with this other guy. Our friendship soon got to be so close I broke up with my boyfriend and as I left his house I called Palmer telling him the news(because he was my best friend at the time, not because I broke up with my boyfriend for him because that's definitely not what happened!). He seemed too happy that I wasn't dating him anymore, but I completely ignored it since it had happened so many other times with him I couldn't just continue to get my hopes up and continuously get shut down. That just doesn't work. So, a couple months later I get a few texts from Palmer quite early in the morning on a day I was out of school. He just said that he had to tell me something he couldn't handle anymore. He basically confessed his feelings for me and was really hoping I felt the same way, but he couldn't just sit around pretending we were just friends when he viewed me as so much more. If you can only imagine my emotion. I was beyond ecstatic. The things I had dreamt about for years were coming to pass! Palmer just told me he liked me. So, basically I told him the way I felt and things escalated from there. But, they also went down a few times. There were so many things that were ups and downs. It was never perfect, although I honestly believed it was no matter what was actually going on. But, we finally started dating without his parents knowing. But a little over a month of us being official my brother told him he needed to tell his parents or he wasn't helping him with something for me. So, basically that morning Palmer told me he wouldn't take no for an answer and that he loved me. I truly loved this boy and I trusted him with more than my life. So, of course I believed it. Well, less than 12 hours later we were through. I couldn't even describe the emotion that night brought to me. My dream man who I had been with was no more. He was not mine any longer. Drama continued from there and got worse and worse. Zac had been in my life since the beginning of that year and I really only viewed him as a friend. We had gone to prom together and had gotten a little bit closer as friends. About a month after Palmer and I broke up we began dating. This was the huge issue Palmer had. He did a lot of things I wish he hadn't. (but I guarantee he doesn't feel that way about them) I also did a few things I wish I could take back. But, I can't.
The whole reason for telling that back story is because Zac had sort of covered up all the pain of the situation that I hadn't really ever gotten a chance to feel better about it or get over it. It was this thing that was even better that came up at the greatest time for me. So, not only was I hurt that Zac and I broke up, more pain from Palmer and I's friendship withering away all wrapped into a huge emotional load that was on top of being away from home for the first time, starting college, and being in a completely new environment. It was a disaster zone! I was completely falling apart. One day I was just sitting around and writing. I got sick of writing, so I started typing because for me it's much less effort to type than it is to write. I was typing and I wasn't just typing my emotions it ended up being really more of a piece of writing. I love to write, it's sort of my secret passion. For some odd reason that same night I was realizing how therapeutic it really was to just write down how I felt. Also, I had just recently gone to a relaxation seminar so I was motivated to keep myself happy. So, things just kind of came together and I started the blog. At just about the same time I started the blog I decided I was choosing to be happy! Because being miserable is worthless and a waste of time. It really just somehow clicked. I need to be happy. I was also doing a lot of praying and fasting before this epiphany sort of came. I couldn't really easily figure out what was truly going on in my life, so I didn't. But, I was filled with the spirit and knew happiness was the way to go. I'm not going to say everything has been perfect and I've been great at making that decision, because I surely HAVE NOT! Making that decision was one of the hardest things I had to do. What makes it so difficult is that I have to decide it many times a day. Whenever I'm running late to class, I can't choose stress I need to choose happiness. Or, whenever I am mad at someone who did something that didn't make any sense to me I have to choose happiness over anger. It's not an easy task at all! But, that's why I work on it each day. I write on here when I'm successful at choosing happiness. It helps to know that I need to continue to choose happiness so I can write about it! :] But, this is the original story of why I choose happiness :] I was asked to tell this story which is why it's up in a few weeks I'll make it into a page :]
I CHOOSE HAPPINESS
I'm getting close to the year mark of starting this blog. It's marvelous to see the changes in me and the changes in my general life the past year. Starting college and leaving home to go to school 1000 miles away was a huge life decision. It was never really a question whether I would go or not, but at the time when I was supposed to leave I was dating a guy named Zac. [This is him and I]
The song was called a Fairy Tale reality he actually had me choose the title before I even knew what I was choosing. He changed the name because we haven't had contact in over a year and a half to Gently.
But, basically practically when I met Palmer I started to like him. I was only in seventh or eighth grade, so I was exploring guys and things I suppose. So, I ended up hopping from guy to guy just about all the way through high school. Breaking guys hearts or getting hurt myself because of my own stupid mistakes. But, every time I would be with a guy I would get a few weeks in and realize all I really wanted was Palmer. I knew I would never have him so realizing what I wanted most of the time made things even worse. But, I still continued to cause heartbreak after heartbreak. It wasn't easy though, because as I would break someone's heart, mine would ache for them and it would also again desire (I totally sound like a creep I promise I wasn't!) Palmer. I feel like the more guys I dated the more I wanted Palmer. It was like this disease that wouldn't go away. Finally, my senior year of high school came along and somehow Palmer and I become amazing friends while I was dating someone else (because I was always dating someone else when guys came into my life anyway). I realized that if I couldn't be with Palmer I could at least handle a friendship, especially since I was with this other guy. Our friendship soon got to be so close I broke up with my boyfriend and as I left his house I called Palmer telling him the news(because he was my best friend at the time, not because I broke up with my boyfriend for him because that's definitely not what happened!). He seemed too happy that I wasn't dating him anymore, but I completely ignored it since it had happened so many other times with him I couldn't just continue to get my hopes up and continuously get shut down. That just doesn't work. So, a couple months later I get a few texts from Palmer quite early in the morning on a day I was out of school. He just said that he had to tell me something he couldn't handle anymore. He basically confessed his feelings for me and was really hoping I felt the same way, but he couldn't just sit around pretending we were just friends when he viewed me as so much more. If you can only imagine my emotion. I was beyond ecstatic. The things I had dreamt about for years were coming to pass! Palmer just told me he liked me. So, basically I told him the way I felt and things escalated from there. But, they also went down a few times. There were so many things that were ups and downs. It was never perfect, although I honestly believed it was no matter what was actually going on. But, we finally started dating without his parents knowing. But a little over a month of us being official my brother told him he needed to tell his parents or he wasn't helping him with something for me. So, basically that morning Palmer told me he wouldn't take no for an answer and that he loved me. I truly loved this boy and I trusted him with more than my life. So, of course I believed it. Well, less than 12 hours later we were through. I couldn't even describe the emotion that night brought to me. My dream man who I had been with was no more. He was not mine any longer. Drama continued from there and got worse and worse. Zac had been in my life since the beginning of that year and I really only viewed him as a friend. We had gone to prom together and had gotten a little bit closer as friends. About a month after Palmer and I broke up we began dating. This was the huge issue Palmer had. He did a lot of things I wish he hadn't. (but I guarantee he doesn't feel that way about them) I also did a few things I wish I could take back. But, I can't.
The whole reason for telling that back story is because Zac had sort of covered up all the pain of the situation that I hadn't really ever gotten a chance to feel better about it or get over it. It was this thing that was even better that came up at the greatest time for me. So, not only was I hurt that Zac and I broke up, more pain from Palmer and I's friendship withering away all wrapped into a huge emotional load that was on top of being away from home for the first time, starting college, and being in a completely new environment. It was a disaster zone! I was completely falling apart. One day I was just sitting around and writing. I got sick of writing, so I started typing because for me it's much less effort to type than it is to write. I was typing and I wasn't just typing my emotions it ended up being really more of a piece of writing. I love to write, it's sort of my secret passion. For some odd reason that same night I was realizing how therapeutic it really was to just write down how I felt. Also, I had just recently gone to a relaxation seminar so I was motivated to keep myself happy. So, things just kind of came together and I started the blog. At just about the same time I started the blog I decided I was choosing to be happy! Because being miserable is worthless and a waste of time. It really just somehow clicked. I need to be happy. I was also doing a lot of praying and fasting before this epiphany sort of came. I couldn't really easily figure out what was truly going on in my life, so I didn't. But, I was filled with the spirit and knew happiness was the way to go. I'm not going to say everything has been perfect and I've been great at making that decision, because I surely HAVE NOT! Making that decision was one of the hardest things I had to do. What makes it so difficult is that I have to decide it many times a day. Whenever I'm running late to class, I can't choose stress I need to choose happiness. Or, whenever I am mad at someone who did something that didn't make any sense to me I have to choose happiness over anger. It's not an easy task at all! But, that's why I work on it each day. I write on here when I'm successful at choosing happiness. It helps to know that I need to continue to choose happiness so I can write about it! :] But, this is the original story of why I choose happiness :] I was asked to tell this story which is why it's up in a few weeks I'll make it into a page :]
I CHOOSE HAPPINESS
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
The moment
The moment you realize that everything has really changed. The moment you realize you had been living in a different world for a long time. The things that you saw were not what was really going on. You were reading into a lot of things. You were hoping that things were different so you saw them that way. Then, you saw everything in the light it really was. Everything began to make more sense. Things that were there before that you were imagining are there no longer. For obvious reasons, you were imagining them. You see the way that people have changed. It didn't seem real until that moment. But, in that very moment it was all different. Every little thing you wanted to see become a reality wasn't getting to that point. Reality slipping away because of the life you had was always in your head. The life you were living wasn't really the life you were living. Things around you were things you saw in a different light. The worst part is you didn't even realize until that moment. At that moment things became reality. You realized you were thinking differently than everyone else. Things were twisted, things were wrong. At that moment you realized you were waiting around for nothing. But, the worst part is until that moment you didn't even realize that you were waiting at all. You were wasting your life blindly. Completely blind. But, now that the moment has past you can move on. Move on to bigger and better things. Things that will focus much much more on you than anything else. You will choose the right life all because of that moment. I choose happiness. It's really hard after certain moments, but I choose happiness today. Even though things aren't good. I will make them good. Happiness is a choice! Even though I have to force that decision today I am happy.
Dreams
AH! I had a crazy dream last night! I haven't remembered a dream in awhile. But, it really just stuck out to me. It was kind of crazy... It made me start thinking a lot about dreams though. I'm trying to decide what the heck to think about it. But, before I talk about the dream I think there's a background story that needs to be heard haha. So, basically there is this guy who is a friend of one of my friends. I don't know his name or anything, but we've been at a few of the same places together and just around each other. But, basically this guy is a red head and the first time I tried talking to him he completely ignored me. Like literally he looked right at me as I was speaking and he made it seem like I was a wall and he turned his head to talk to whoever he was talking to before. It was kind of ridiculous. I seriously thought I was a wall. This was the beginning of last semester, but I was completely confused. Then, just last week I ran into this guy again because I was with the same mutual friend and he walked up. I didn't say very much to him and it wasn't very important, but the exact same thing happened. He looked me square in the face, paused, then continued what he was doing or talking about. It was kind of crazy. I've determined it's because he was a red head. Since that same day a random red head did a similar thing. So, about the dream. I have a really good friend who is on a mission in Argentina who faithfully writes me weekly and has been the whole 6 months he's been out. He's great. But, I was able to email him back and forth yesterday because we were both conveniently online at the same time. It was fantastic. Anyway so basically he was on my mind when I went to bed last night, just a little bit. So, I dreamt he was home from his mission. It wasn't a big deal or anything. But, he showed up to hang out with me (or so I thought). Then, I started asking him how tall he was for some reason because I wasn't able to give him a hug quite yet, he hadn't let me. But, I was trying to get his attention.(Oh yeah, and by the way he is a red head.) But, he wouldn't listen to a single thing I was trying to say to him. I was getting really frustrated... then I woke up. I know so anticlimactic huh? Oh, well that's how my life has been lately anyway. My life has been quite boring. Filled with lots of anticlimactic moments and boring days. I've been doing a lot of boring studying and working on homework. I've been doing a little better in classes though :] so that's always a plus! But, life is still good. When people ask me how I am. I will say, I AM HAPPY! :] because I am happy! :D I choose happiness! Oh and by the way I'm in love with this song! It has nothing to do with dreams, but I love it!
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