David again

I love his music. This is an AMAZING video!!! He's so amazing! Amazing song. I can't wait to get his album once I get to Idaho which is only in TWO WEEKS!!! :)

I. HATE. LOVE.

Don't get confused by the title!! I'm happy :) Basically I had a shocker today. Well, just a few hours ago actually. I thought I was over someone, and I got sort of a stab in the heart. But, it wasn't his fault because in actuality he didn't do anything. I just found out a few things I really didn't want to know. Sometimes I hate facebook for that exact reason. Sometimes it would be awesome just to NOT HAVE FACEBOOK. But, at the same time... Facebook is pretty great and I can't deny it.

Anyway... my point is that I hate falling for someone and even months later having those feelings rush back then having a few regrets. Now, I'm debating the title.. either I hate regrets or love. Hmmm.... Well LOVE is fantastic while you're in it. But, for me at least it seems like it is always  short lived. (okay, not always.. but for me) I am not trying to point it toward anyone else. But, when I was first dating we weren't allowed to steady date. I felt like people at church were constantly watching me and making sure I was living by the standards of not dating the same person. But, no matter what I was actually doing there were many people that said things about me. And worst of all they would tell my friend's parents or my own. So, of course the word always came right back to me. I know that now I'm 20 and I've been able to date the same person for awhile now without heads turning at church or bad things being said about me... but I think deep down the transition is weird. I don't know this is a rambling post that is completely for me and as I'm writing I'm trying to make sense of my emotions. I was so close to being ready to get married one minute and the next I was done and ready to move on. I think I could have stuck it out and still be with him, especially after the reminder today. But, while I was in it all I wanted was out. It's so weird to even think about this at all. But, when these days come back and the feelings of regret come about I absolutely hate it. I know it doesn't help because the mormon culture pressure for marriage is eating at me constantly. But, I can't help but resist. I know I'm not ready, so I'm not about to jump into something I'm not prepared for. But, this day will pass and again I'll be over the situation. But, I think no matter the relationship there is always going to be some sort of loss that exists. I have felt it multiple times. Even when I'm the one who ends the relationship. Then, there's the period where I go crazy single and I just go on a few dates. It's annoying, I need to figure that part out. But, then I get right back into a relationship. I need to slow it down and chill out. I have been strongly considering a mission. I have wanted to serve for quite some time, but it's getting to be real. I can turn in my papers in just a few short months. But, the pondering continues... I'm afraid part of the reason I have a desire to go is because I am so afraid of relationships and marriage. (as pointed out to me by a good friend of mine) That is the absolute worst reason to serve a mission. But, really it doesn't matter what I want to do, it matters what the Lord wants me to do. I need to better prepare to be His tool here on Earth first. Then, I'll figure out everything else with it.
But, as for today, even just writing about it I feel better. I love just writing down my feelings. Sometimes I feel like no one listens. I LOVE LISTENING. So, I feel like often times people come to me so they can have someone that listens, (and I won't ever want to NOT be considered the listener because I still enjoy it and I love the connection with friends when I have the opportunity to listen/give what little bit of advice I have for them) but when it comes to having a conversation about my feelings and my issues, it just doesn't happen. If it does it's a short thing and it is pretty superficial. Sometimes I wish I could just open up to anyone and everyone would listen to me and help me with my issues. But, instead I put it online for me to remember how I was feeling at certain points in my life. Watch my triumphs and my many many fails. Anyway I go up to Rexburg in a few short weeks and  I'll be surrounded by relationships. So, I'll just have to GET OVER IT. I can hate relationships and love. But, I'm going to need to get used to being surrounded by a lot. This next semester I plan on focusing just on finding good friends around me. I'm excited to be in a new ward and meet many new people. I can't wait to have this headache gone (or at least covered up with my pain medicine) and feel normal around people again in Rexburg. I feel like I haven't been there forever. Oh wait, that's because I haven't lived there for more than 2 weeks at once since MARCH. Oh wow, things change so quickly. But, I choose happiness :) Life is good and I have so much to be happy about! 

Things don't always turn out the way you plan

I remember a few years ago I was in high school and everyone was getting ready to go on missions. Then, I got to be a senior and they were leaving like crazy. Half of my friends were gone out of the  state at least, not to mention everyone that left for college. But, I remember thinking about how things would be when all of them got back from their missions and things could "finally get back to normal". Oh boy, I had NO idea what was coming. Everyone talks about how boys turn into men on their missions, they mature and become the people they were born to be... blah blah blah... But, they never tell you how it is when you're writing them on their missions, or how sometimes they come back COMPLETELY different. I wrote almost all of my friends while they were on missions. But, they problem with writing boys is they assume that if you are writing them that you're interested. Actually I constantly have that issue with boys. Whether or not they are on a mission boys constantly get the wrong idea about me. They always think I like them. I don't understand apparently I must be some extreme flirt or something. Okay, I'll admit I am a flirt. But, I think it is so far into my nature that I don't even know a lot of the times when I am flirting. But, the unintentional flirting seems to be what gets taken as real flirting. For whatever reason boys  don't think that boys and girls can be "just friends" this video is the "proof". But, I still don't think that's true. BOYS AND GIRLS CAN JUST BE FRIENDS. Seriously, they
 can.


                             
Now, clearly this video is edited and made to make it seem that only women say that they can be friends and men say they can't. But, it's still a funny video and makes it seem like they can't be friends. But, really it's because people just constantly choose to read into things. When you read into things that people say and do, you're going to have an issue and you'll find your friendship on the rocks. But, if you keep it at a friendship you're always safe. You won't get hurt, and you won't have to worry about ruining a friendship in the end. Wow, that was some blabbing, ,but hopefully it made a little sense.

Well, now it's been over two years... boys (well I guess "men") are coming back from missions monthly it seems like. They have been returning for awhile now. It's so weird. I almost miss writing them sometimes. Soon I'm not going to have anyone to write. I have been slowly running out of people for awhile. I haven't started writing new people for over a year now. Meaning I'll be done writing missionaries in about a year. That is until my own children hopefully go on missions. But, since I'm not getting married forever I'm definitely not counting down until my future son or sons go on missions. It really doesn't seem to be in my even close to near future. I'll just continue to watch all of the people around me get married. It's a good thing I love attending weddings! :D because it's going to continue for awhile...

Anyway the POINT of this post... hopefully I'll finally get to it! :) over two years ago I figured that this point in time would be the greatest time ever! And instead 2012 has been a terrible year. I have felt that thing after thing has happened this year. Don't get me wrong I have been happy and I am not complaining about my life and I know things are the way they are supposed to be. But, sometimes it's hard to think about how things could be especially when sometimes the way that things could be are the way that I sometimes wish they were. Especially when trials are following me like crazy... I can't seem to hide for very long from them they just continue to overcome my life. But, of course this is only if I allow them to. But, recently I have realized what I have been dwelling on doesn't and shouldn't matter. People change on their missions as I have said and sometimes moving on is better than doing anything else. Yes, I have moved on in certain ways already, but eventually I will fully move on and find someone better. It has to happen someday. I just need to be patient with my life. I need to live and not worry about the past...

Oh and an on update on the boy drama since I said I would... I was just hung up on the past... the distant past and I just need some time still to get my heart to move on and current situations were not helping because it was making me want the past even more. But, finally boys in my life are non-existent. And at this point in time I intend to keep it that way. :) I will just be working and going to school this fall. I will be a HERMIT as said by some old roommates. :]

As for today. I choose happiness :D :D :D :D