Some thoughts

http://thoughtcatalog.com/kate-bailey/2013/12/10-old-fashioned-dating-habits-we-should-make-cool-again/

Hurt

So, I'm just going to straight up share my story. I've been dating a guy for a little while now. But, I have known him for even longer. So, it wasn't really necessary to "take things slow in the beginning". There wasn't much talking, we just basically started going on dates. We had a great time when we went out. We have a lot of chemistry. His only problem. He's not a member. I guess the reality of him not being a member became apparent last week at my work party. He had a sip of rum. To the world it's just a sip of rum. To me, it was a reality check. We may not have kissed yet (multiple reasons for that), but we did have a connection and to the outside world we looked like we were together holding hands. I wasn't just going to let it pass from my mind and all week I couldn't let it slip. We had a great time last night and today we went shopping. Afterward we were driving back and I started talking out of the blue (I wasn't even thinking about it!) about how I hate dating and don't like how he isn't mormon. It's really interesting how the Lord works. I've been praying to understand how to get over my feelings for him or find a way to make it work the Lord's way. I think I figured out that really it was just something I needed to get through. He made me happy, we had a great time together, he had good values, but he didn't believe and understand the gospel. Holding the priesthood has always been at the top of my list for "the perfect husband". He would always talk about how the purpose of dating is worth the risk and that you never know if your prince or princess is right in front of you. He wasn't saying I was his princess and he didn't say it in that context, but he was right, the purpose of dating is to find someone to spend the rest of your life with, regardless of what the rest of the world believes. To him, right now this seems really unfair. He is upset with me because he knows that I knew I wasn't going to marry him from day one of meeting him. He doesn't understand why I even dated him in the first place. Faith doesn't just change attraction. When you have so much interaction with someone it's hard to resist the connection you have. I feel horrible for what place he is in right now. But, I know it was what was best for me. My testimony was strengthened through this experience. I realized how important eternal marriage is. I want those blessings stated in my patriarchal blessing. I want to be able to return to my Heavenly Father one day and say I did what you asked, I followed the path you paved for me. I want him to embrace me and say, I know it was hard but I'm glad you did it. I didn't know I needed to better understand the importance of eternal marriage to my personal life but I think I did. It was a rough thing for me to even date with how big of an introvert I have become, but I think the outcome is good. I'm grateful for this little piece of strange added to my life. I choose happiness. 

The Best

Days like today, they need to be documented. I'm just going to list all of the things that were amazing today instead of trying to make everything flow through sentences. 

I woke up on the right side of the bed

I was able to work and worked with amazing co-workers

Patients were overall good today 

Lunch was free and it was from Jason's Deli... AMAZING

I got out of work almost on time

I found out my car is going to be fixed before Christmas

I found out I'll be getting $500 BACK with however all the repairs worked on my car

When I got to class I found out I got a 95% on my first test in my Anat and Phys class

Class didn't have me nodding off today

Class got out an hour and 40 minutes early

I got to come home and relax 

I had time to blog

Today was truly spectacular and the rest of my week is going to be even better :) tomorrow a night with the boy before he goes to work and Saturday baking with the AND everyone comes home Saturday! All those BYU and BYUI people home for the holidays! Including my MARISSA!!! :D I can't wait to see her! I love having her around. :) I can't wait until they move here (I guess if they move here. I'm praying!) I have so many things to be grateful for! I'm so blessed! 

I choose happiness :]

Concussion

This is the second concussion of the year. I keep wondering if this is a wake up call. And as the day went on. I stayed at church, listened to wonderful lessons, felt a very strong spirit, and I even bore my testimony in sacrament meeting today. I want to publically bear my testimony in writing. I know there is a living Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. They are true beings whom we can communicate with through prayer. Through the blessing of the Holy Ghost I can feel the love of my Savior. Especially through the power of priesthood blessings. I have been given so many blessings in the past few years and many of them are for something with my head. I'm surrounded by worthy priesthood holders and I couldn't be more blessed. I made it through church today because of a blessing. I made it through 2012 because of many blessings. I'm grateful for the scriptures. They bring so many answers that I need personally. I know there is a living prophet on the earth today who is here to lead and and guide us. I know that families can be together forever. I know that I was placed with the family I have for so many reasons and I am so grateful for all of them. They are my rocks. I know we are on this earth for a reason. It's hard to be here and to be human. But, it is such a huge blessing. I am so grateful for this life and for the people that have been set in my path. The gospel is real. I'm so grateful for it. I choose happiness. 

3 Unforgettable days

Sometimes when you meet someone you can't forget it. Even if it was just a few days, it could be so much that you can still feel it awhile after. But, for me meetings like this seem to be more one sided. And the one side being mine. It's really heartbreaking when I meet someone and would make so many sacrifices for them. But the problem is they live in another state (specifically Provo). I have prayed so many times about moving to Provo, it's never right. It makes me really sad every time I have gotten a no. I want to be with more righteous people my age. My patriarchal blessing says I will marry a returned missionary, who is he?! Where is he?! He isn't here because I've already gotten to know all the returned missionaries here. Maybe he is still on his mission. But dang. Hurry up bro. You're killing me. I want to be with you right now. Everyone else is married, I'm ready to start that part of my life. Well, as ready as I'll ever be. (clearly this is the rant talking, obviously I could be more ready) I have already passed up a wonderful man I could have married and I won't be doing that again. (Salt gets thrown into the wound every time his wife tries to reconnect with me. Which is a courageous act, but I'm sorry, the moment you decided to date him was the moment you lost me, it's too difficult for me to see them together. Even a little bit to this day.) I have learned my lesson. But I know that he will have to be better than that guy I almost married which honestly will be quite difficult. I want to love and to be loved. I don't want to force anything, but I am ready for the gradual process to begin. I wish he was here now. I wish I could find him today. I want to have this feeling I have for someone I know deeply on an emotional level and have them feel the same way. Is that so difficult? YES. Of course it's difficult! If finding love was easy everyone would be married and would live happily every after! There would never be any divorces or unhappy marriages. Clearly all of these exist, so we (singles) just continue with our awesome lives (and that isn't sarcastic) waiting for someone to change our lives and if we're smart we are seeking someone to change our lives. But, right now. I have no one to seek, and I am content. I won't shoo away any prospects if they were to happen to come about, but I also am not willing to be set up or have anything weird similar to that take place. The last time I decided to do that... yeah... NOT a good decision. Big regrets. But, I have nothing to do except to forget and learn from my mistakes, then keep moving forward. Well, since this went from my confusing unclear feelings about someone I met a few months ago to me being single I actually find these two things connected. No, I'm not waiting for this guy to all of a sudden want to do distance (he has a girlfriend now for goodness sake!) It's just weird because I have feelings for him and I just can't get him out of my head. No one has been able to change that for me yet. I haven't met anyone that struck me as much as he did in just a short 3 days. I just need to calm my thoughts about it and move away from thinking about him. I need to put him out of my head instead of allowing myself to think about him. In the meantime I choose happiness. :)